DAY FIVE OF WITHDRAWAL

Day five of nothing. Well, not quite nothing. Yesterday started doing a bit of research into Imodium (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Imodium). Turns out that you can take enough to get high and it does actually lead to opiate addiction itself long term. Which kind of sucks. Was really looking for a way to reduce the problems of methadone detox without adding to the opiates in the system.

Last night was total crap as far as sleep went.

Basically none.

But I lie. Tramodol taken about 2am – My brain couldn’t cope with my legs running, my body turning and it being too cold to get out of bed and do anything worthwhile with ones sorry existance.

Found myself waking up at various points. Would have acheived a few hours in total, spread over half hour chunks. Felt horrible. Absolutely not nice in the slightest.

This morning is very very slow. Had a huge effort just to shower and cut toe nails. Noticed toe nails had not been cut since my sister came back to die. She is dead. Which is an issue with all the feelings returning due to opiates leaving.

Hell, I went down to Mums yesterday and had tears all over my face. Guess that could be normal when your sister died two weeks ago. Not sure. Have been on opiates too long again. I am getting teary just listening to records. So guess it is me being a bit over dramatic.

Social issues. Have written a lot on this recently, but it has all been deleted. May feel inclined to re do it all some stage… May not.

http://www.stuartmcmillen.com/comics_en/rat-park/
a comic showing a slightly different way of appreciating addiction
http://www.stuartmcmillen.com/blog/cartoon-blog/globalization-addiction-bruce-alexander/
introduction to the real theories of rat park, and a good video link at bottom
http://globalizationofaddiction.ca/
The Bruce Alexander page

So, I went to NARCOTICS ANONYMOUSE last night. I hate the god, the prayer, the whole thing really. I hate having the idea that you have to talk about the same problem over and over for the rest of your life. Doesn’t that become a problem in itself?

I went for socialisation with other, like minded, people. I would be far better suited to the “after function” coffees than the actual meetings.

Still, I shared. A little. Cannot remember exactly what I said. Managed to be conscise. Yes. Honestly. Seriously. I was conscise. Very. Was helpful. I will, most likely, go to the same group next week.

Big issue with N.A is that they always want you to come back. Like, seriously? You want me to go to this meeting, and the one tommorow and the one.. AND. AND. AND. Seriously? How about you just bloody well accept me into this group and not try flogging me and my withdrawing ass off onto every other addict in town? Just saying.

So, N.A works for some people.

How about people with a chronic pain problem who self medicate on opiates? Not sure on that little gem as yet.

But I really need to do something. Cannot sit around in my little flat by myself. That would not be right. That would be wrong. Can’t go demanding too much from others either.

Holy crap. I am sitting in an internet cafe, looking out the window I see the policewoman who arrested me from the funeral preperations for my sister, I will be back later and tell you how far I got after stealing her hat, batton and pepper spray.

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