DAY SIX EVENING

BUGGER. Doctor did nothing other than ring the CADS service, whom I saw last week. They were the ones who would not offer a withdrawal programme as I would “fail“.

English: Methadone structure, animation

Methadone, My Problem Child, structure, animation (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Once again, I would expressely like my concerns of the lack of any consumer advocacy in this position. The service is absolutely abysmal.  My original appointment was 10am Friday. I was there at 9.59. You can ask my ex, I am good with times like that. Major cause of arguments was that. So, I was there on time. The receptionist said “he’s running a bit late”.

I started making aggressive waiting motions at 10.30. I figured they must have a camera so started looking around. Putting on a show of being in a hurry to be somewhere. Even though I had nothing to do. I had scored already that morning for crissakes. Was happy to play waiting games. A high def camera. So they could sit out the back and see how agitated you became to pass a first psych test of some sort.

If I ran a business the way these guys did, it would be out of business. Mind you, I’d just give everyone the drugs they needed when they needed them. There is no John Key model in that by goodness.

The girl eventually looked up after a personal phone call and said “sorry, he will be out soon.”

Sam McBride walks out. He ushers me into his room and says “sorry Tony, we will have to cut this very short. No one told me you were here and I have to be somewhere at 11.

ARE YOU FUCKEN SERIOUS I was screaming on the inside. WANKER (if you are reading this in a country where “wanker” is not a common term it means a person who plays with their genitals instead of doing anything other. Particularly useful for “Prime Minister”, “Social Service Bosses”)

So, I am going to “”fail”” by detoxing. All this from a fifteen minute interview conducted by someone who had already made up their mind and put 45 minutes of my interview into more worthwhile endevours (like cleaning cheese out his foreskin).

I left annoyed and dissapointed. He didn’t tell me what “success” or “fail” were in clinical terms. He couldn’t answer. He did not have one. Just that I would “”fail””.

CONSUMER LEADERSHIP would be great. But the Wellington DHB Community Alchohol and Drug Service (CADS) are too wrapt up in their believing that “junkies are all liars, thieves and are here purely for free drugs and ripping off the capitalist system”. This needs to be addressed. I probably have more of an I.Q and definitely know more about my own personal condition than they do. They should give me the time allocated and listen with open mind the same way I am going to N.A with an open mind.

So I left annoyed. He wanted me on the methadone maintenance programme. But, wakey wakey. I was there asking to be helped with a detox off methadone. Sure I have sever pain issues at times. But not ALL THE TIME. Methadone is ALL THE TIME, there ain’t no other way of using it. Realistically.

So, there it was. I got another 40mg of ‘drone the next day. 15 at wake up. 25 at lunch time. And resolved that would be the last.

But then I got really bloody ill this afternoon. Yesterdays trots was bad. But when you can’t eat, sleep or rest… Well. Five days of little nutrient intake with no sleep… Maybe I should try SEBOXONE after all I was thinking.

So – off to the doctors.

Sitting in waiting room was hard work. You feel like everyone is looking at you. You need a waiting room to yourself. I spilt drink. I jerked. I twitched. If I didn’t know any better I’d guess I looked like a guy without enough drugs.

Ended up walking out with a script for Loperamide. in the form of a DIA-STOP product.

Believe it or not the Doctor did not know that Loperamide is an opiate. So, with the chief “no opiate guy” Sam McBrides permission (in fact, he suggested it) I get a script for opiates for my opiate dependance and withdrawal issues.

Sense?

Very little I would suggest.

This seems entirely absurd. I could take a whole pack and get a little wasted even. Constipated mind you. But nicely warm and wasted. I could rant about this for a long sustained period. And probably will later once I am not paying through the nose to use internet and can put in links etc to back up any factual information.

Sam McBride told my GP on the phone that one of the reasons for my “fail” would be lack of support. But, Sam, Wanker, we did not even discuss that in our fifteen minutes. You know I live alone in a small flat. You don’t know I have a very supportive ex partner. You don’t know that I have a whole outlook on this that differs from your accepted thinking. (PLEASE READ THE RAT CARTOON SAM!)

Tell you what I did do though. I went and got some methadone. Visual disturbances and all the rest not withstanding, there was no way of getting to N.A without having some narcotics for me today. I just could not function any more.

I think you need to look at this way. I AM NOT WASTED IN THE SLIGHTEST. I am still sweating, stinking and being a withdrawing retarded mess. I did not shoot the drugs. I was about 0.1 mm away though. Bought 30mgs for 20 dollars as the guy saw I was a mess and thought I needed it. I disagreed. I told him I wanted 10 or 15. He had no change and gave me thirty in a needle. I went to bathroom, squirted two thirds out the window of the fourth story and almost put the needle in. Have a scratch mark on my wrist to prove it. Managed to say to myself “what the hell are you doing?” and squirted it into my mouth and swallowed a couple of Imodum (dia-stop).

So, was really surprised when this did not allow me to lie still on bed.

Train Spotting

I was still hanging. But had a nice walk to N.A meeting after making some pasta and my stomach keeping it in.

Also had a banana. Apparently potassium helps with muscle cramps? But only if you’re “deficient”. Which, after eating nothing for a week, I probably can claim.

I hate N.A. But am liking the “lack of isolation“. Social is key to everything. Am I a stuck record on this yet? Met some more cool people tonight… A few guys are real onto it. Am amazed that a lot of them don’t take giving up as seriously as they should. If I fuck up and use drugs, I want these people to punch my teeth out, not give me some mamby pampy crap about being human. I am not human. I am a drug addict you dickheads! Hahahahahahaha. Maybe this is the key to N.A. Actually none of them like the meetings. They are all just there to fill in time so they don’t have time to use.

My sharing went something like “I have been using for 20 of the last 23 years and I am here because that is too complicated.” Todays topic was “keeping it simple”.

I guess that I am not turning into a N.A.ZI hater of drug users. I get just as much from talking to people who are on methadone and sitting outside coffee shops blatantly off their face. I don’t discriminate here. It is more important to fill in every second of every lousy shakey minute.

Am now in internet cafe. Sweat pouring down forehead. Got to move. Feel like people are looking at me.

Have you ever had any irrational fears? Of course. I have been using drugs for twenty five years.

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2 Comments

    1. Hey there – I actually left a quote on Facebook a few weeks (days?) ago…

      I said “The unexamined life is not worth living.- Socrates
      The UNLIKED, non +1’ed nor thumbed up life is not worth living – 2013 teenager”

      Check page four or five of that link…!

      Reply

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