Don’t know what the hell just happened but just scoffed two cans of tuna, a third of a litre of yoghurt, three slices of soft white bread (teeth are all removed or rotten due to years of drug mistreatment and general oral squalor), a cup of cauliflower soup and a drink of milk.
Damn I feel good.
Well. To clarify. I have a sense of humour when using the word good at present, but that is good.
So, what did just happen?
Went to fifth N.A meeting in four days.
It was classic enough.A good meeting. This guy R, who was at my first meeting, seems to be a good character. His first sharing on Wednesday was fraught with difficulty. I thought I got it. But his sponsor thought something else. I think he was a bit disappointed but seems to have improved today. Maybe having a few new people around gets him motivated again?
There were people there I knew from all over the place. People have asked me this (from outside NA) and I say “yes, there are” but there’s no names from me. I got burnt by N.A pricks free wheeling off at the mouth a decade ago.
I got bloody well asked to share. Which was okay, but it came out of the blue. I didn’t expect it. I thought there maybe was someone else with my name in the room. Then went red as I was twitching and thought everyone would notice. They did.
Hi, I’m me and I’m an addict.
Hi, well wasn’t expecting that. Uhm. The first step is the reason why I am here, I did it before ever knowing it was the first step. (probably done a few of the other steps too, but that’s for another day).
Blah blah…. I am currently still withdrawing and may have another few weeks of this to go. I am looking forward to it. It’s been very hard at times, but I once, think it was 2009, withdrew four times in one calender year. It’s quite an achievement of self harm. Managing to get fully addicted and go through full withdrawal four times in one year shows that I can do it… blah blah…
Later someone came up and said “omg, people were looking at the roof and then eyes went wide. The girl next to you spun around and looked plain shocked Tony.”
I says “oh, I couldn’t really look up. I was concentrating on the floor and not moving.”
“Yes, I saw you twitching and carrying on over there. A couple of rather large ones too mate…”
Oh yeah, I felt a few little earthquakes coming and held them. And then their big daddy came along with his B&D gear and just wasted me! Hahahahah…. It’s hard trying to sit still mate. It’s easier to be standing around moving.
“How are you managing? Have you got detox pills or something?”
No mate, nothing to speak of…
“Dude, I heard you’re coming of ‘drone, that’s the worst mate. I did it too, but I did it by taking up amphetamines and then withdrawing off them instead later…”
Yeah mate, done that before too. Isn’t it amazing how you can swap from speed to opiates without getting major withdrawals? And speed sure is easier to come off once the ‘drone is gone.
“Why didn’t you do that?”
Hopefully this time will last a long while as it has been such a bitch of a thing to kick…
“But surely you had a dose reduction over time or something?”
No mate. I was doing an average of 70mg a day illegally and then tried to stop and only managed four days. So I went back on and missed a day here or there to shock my body into working out how to deal with it again. Then took the bare minimum a needed. So maybe half my usual dose every second day just to get used to it and then 40mg a week ago.
“And then nothing?”
Yeah mate, nothing.
I know using the word SERENITY in a post with a NA logo is going to get me a lot of shit….
Tell you another thing I have noticed lately. I am laughing at myself quite a bit. I mean, how could I not. I am so hopeless – sore back, sore muscles. Took an hour to walk 1200m this morning (that’s 2/3 of a mile)… So I laugh at my own pathetic ass.
What an idiot, right?
I have reached a place where I have made peace with sister dying and am concentrating on me for the first time in ages.
Not making ends meet. Not working 24/7 rebuilding a twenty year old rust bucket. Not working my ass off six days a week for three years running and ending up on A.C.C. Hell, I am not even working seventy hours a week to do a university course.
Nope, nothing. I am not even paying bills.
I am doing nothing apart from what it takes me to get through withdrawal.
Typing this is perfect. It is distracting from the physical effects but is helping greatly with my own understanding of the situation I am in and why. Yes, I know why, short answer is name a drug from A-Z and I would have used it one way or another over three quarters of my life.
All I have been asking of myself is to look after myself over the last ten days. I had my daughter for the weekend last weekend, so could not start withdrawing before. That is why Saturday lunch time picked, as maybe Friday 12 days later I will be up for having my super energy bundle back for another 72 hours!
My daughter and I did a short video for you tube so that all my sisters friends, partners and work mates in Europe could have a look. Her boyfriend stood up at the U.K. service (12 hours after ours) and said some very nice words.
Included in them were a long speech about me and my daughter. Our video was a minute long. He spoke about it for three. SERENE was the concept. And, looking back on it, I think we may have been.
Nothing else matters. At that point in time my sister died with her hand in mine, with my daughter, mum and her best friend there. That is SERENE. It has to be. I would not allow it to be any other way, and nor would have my sister.
All I did for a week was look after her. Then the funeral. Then, the final thing was that video.
I have got to that point with my drug taking.
It is effecting.
I am walking up the road and just don’t give a shit about anything at all. It is nice, peaceful and serene.
And then I see the nurse who I spent two nights with caring for my sister in hospital. She recognises me and starts telling everyone very loudly how my drawings are “brilliant” “the best” “you have to see them” “incredible” “such a good nurse”. I had to pull my hat over my face!
No way this old junky shit head is going to allow a whole bunch of strangers know that he has any talent.
Back to serenity and anonymity for the rest of the day.
Which is great. Until Housing New Zealand ring up for their money………….
Not sleeping, of course, go figure. No drugs all day of any sort yesterday, no dia-stop, no nothing, and I ate food at the end of the day. Stoked. Tried going to bed about midnight. Lasted two hours. Was a long slow two hours (probably not helped by that Peter Jackson Return of the King being on TV. I have never seen it as he never rung to give me a job – and it is boring as all hell….)
So, decided to get up and do my usual thing when hanging out at night. Go for a walk. If really tired I will take a sleeping bag, find some long grass up a hill and lay down looking at the city or harbour or whatever is below. The long grass protects from the wind and the bag from the damp ground. The cold and moving air is strangely more relaxing than sheets that smell and a cluttered bedroom.
Got a bit sidetracked. Now I have the computer on the internet I sat down, put on side B of Fandango by Pheonix Foundation and then noticed I had forgotten my newly created diary.
You can see how my hand writing was this morning. And how it is now.
Oh, hang on. That’s silly. You can see how my handwriting was at 8am yesterday and how it is now at 3.26am… So, twenty hours.
There you go. If you click on it, it just may get bigger. Not convinced of that yet, WordPress is all new to me.
I feel as though I have reached some sort of stage in withdrawal proceedings that I like.
Some sleep would be okay. But realise that may be asking a bit much.
Cheers! Good times.