Very light headed all day. Tried drawing a picture to test hand responses… Was horrible. Funny thing is I can still type about 50wpm. Can hit 80 on a good day, 95wpm with 100% accuracy once the keyboard is an old friend, but fifty is good. Here’s the picture…


Was so so so so so (…) so so so so rapt to get a four or five hour snooze. Woke up feeling distinctly opiated and more than distinctly annoyed with myself for having consumed five or ten mg’s of methadone the previous day.

Guys, even the man I respect most at N.A. reminded me of why I did it. “If it was good for your recovery Tony, then it is okay”. He was actually talking to someone else. He doesn’t know I cheated. Although I did give him this web address, so may have a look or two to deal with in future.

Tried to do my washing this morning as have not done any for a week. Ended up not doing it. Couldn’t bring myself to stay in house. Took an hour to walk 1100 metres to ex’s house, at which time I had to leave straight away to go to N.A meeting.

The old time N.A. girl suggested I try going to every meeting for a week. And who am I to argue? Another guy there has been off something for a few days, and we started hanging together. This other gang member guy was blown away when he found out a little about me after the meeting. Thought you have problems mate – listen to this.,.!!! Hahahahahaahah!!!!

Overall I am glad that I swallowed 8mgs of Loperamide Hydrochloride and 10mg of methadone yesterday afternoon. I got to eat something. I ate a banana at first. Then some toast. Then a small pasta with mince. After six hours I had half a vegie roll and went to sleep. Today I have had an orange, a banana, a protien shake, the remains of the veggie roll and am trying to think of something to make right now.

That is more food in the last 24 hours than the previous three. My stomach and whole being was so far off this planet…

How well would you be (as a non-addict, healthy, average human) be if you couldn’t keep anything down and spent only 1-2 hours a day able to rest?

You’d be on some drugs after four days yourself.

I am also glad that I didn’t pay rent this week and bought a modem stick for the computer instead. Now I can sit at home and do some research and stuff. As long as no one sends me PDF links or large graphics…… 😉

Housing NZ is going to hate me. Am already on a plan to pay back rent I didn’t bother paying as I needed the cash for more important things. Namely methadone.


And yet the CADS idiots tell me to detox myself at a mg a day or whatever I can do. I ain’t no maths guru any more, but the accountant would look at



and simply faint or slap me around with a large stick.


Am a bit sick of seeing a few N.A. people already. They are all good, but the same sorts of conversation all the time is very hard to keep up. Still, I promised I’d give it a try. And that’s what is happening. I will be able to work out who goes where and sort it. Like any grouping and dynamic structure.


The lovely N.A. victim lady just chatted to me. She said “glad you’re feeling a bit better today”

ME – “It may just be a blip, I should have came up with a proper chart to fill in about how I felt every hour of every day.
Looks like I am going to have to use heaps for a few weeks, get properly addicted again,  and do this properly.”


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