There seems to be some sort of weird habit forming, not of a drug habit kind… I start feeling quite good later in the day. This was at about 11pm, then 9pm and today it was more like 5.30. Put a really loud, heavy remix of another old favourite, DEPECHE MODE ENJOY THE SILENCE on really loud and actually walked faster to the supermarket than I have in months. And back. And cooked dinner (itself an achievement considering what day six was like). Who would have thought you could feel that much different. Have had no drugs since Fridays 8mg Loper-amide and <10mg ‘drone.
Had a great walk. Slowly. Tried laying down. Was not pleasing. Got up, walked south over some hills and got a nice view of city, harbour, Newtown and Island Bay out to the Cook Straight. Very nice. Saw people playing footy, just like I used to. Saw people throwing things for their dogs, just like I used to. Life *is* different on drugs all the time huh? I walked past an old house where I used to sell vast amounts from so I could use vast amounts myself. Twenty years have past. The house has the same cracked door where the police used to kick it in.
Same thing happened recently when returning to university. The rooms I was in occupied a bit of land where we used to smoke cigerettes and do our best to get kicked out of High School. This is trying to tell me something. If you, friends or family, have any idea of what it is telling me, please advise.
Have tried sleeping. As soon as the body stops moving the irritation sets in muscles start spasm’ing to their own quite indistinct rhythm.
So, right now I feel okay and able to deal with the withdrawal issues. But then I have had approx 10 hours sleep in a week (even with my cheat on day six)….
Although a real weight was lifted from me recently by purely concentrating on my own basic needs there have been worrying feelings creeping in over the last couple of hours.
For my own mental health I stole the rent money and got my laptop onto the internet. Without that I would have been lost. Just being able to contact people for free has been worth it. The light weight of stress, anxiety lead, in part, to my version of serenity. This is crashing rapidly as I realise I have an appointment with a budget advisor first thing tomorrow and I probably won’t have slept again. I have less than twenty dollars and need to buy milk. I have a letter from WINZ saying my benefit was going to be $220 but then I only ever get $210. Rent is $80. So guess I am letting things get me down. I am so tired. Brain function has slowed. The blurry edges around vision have got bigger. I am now focusing through a small tunnel in my vision. Not healthy.
Obviously with taking this time out of life to withdraw from drugs you know you will be no good for working. Hell, I have not even been able to wash my own clothes for a week, so Paula Bennett can go get VD.
It’s to be expected maybe. Drugs leave your system and feelings come back. Wonder when some nice feelings start happening?
By the way – Milk is great if your stomach is being ripped through abuse and stress – ask any gangster.
Actually looking forward to N.A group tomorrow evening. Needing some reminder that I am sane.