It’s 3.33 a.m. – am half the man I used to be.

I’m half the man I used to be, another Kurt Cobain style whine passes through my melon.

Wow, I feel somewhat of an idea for a literary experiment coming on….

I love being a junky, I get to wake at dawn.
I go to sleep whenever I damn well please, my hands don’t shake, my snot doesn’t run,

pity neither does the poo come out my bum. 

I so wish I was a junky, falling off the side of the chair. Living life without a care.

Don’t think there will be many publishers lining up for that effort.

I love being a dealer, I get to wake at dawn. I have a fast car and never pay the bills, when they come to disconnect the power the guy leaves with $1200 in his pocket, the start of a smack habit and I’m still watching TV.

I love doing datura. No, I don’t. Yes, I think I do. No.

My god it is cold. 

Had some ideas for writing some things. But then had some ideas for drawing some things. And taking some photos of things. And what happened? Nothing. So I tried to start writing some things and all the good plot lines ran out of my head and hid under a nearby cactus bush where they are quite happy and refusing to come out and play with my conscious head again.

Bastard ideas. Asshole things. Get rid of them I say.

Mundane is the way to go.

SO, Fiend you dick, what was yesterday like?

Well, glad you asked.

Actually, no I’m not. It wasn’t all that great. A lot of good stuff happened, but in the end of the day I got home after N.A.ZI meeting and wanted to go to sleep. Boy, did I want to go to sleep.

Guess you can tell that by firing up the computer at 3.33am and having some cans of tuna that life is not all sleep and slumber.

Far from it. Nothing even remotely resembling sleep in any shape or form came visiting me. All I have is a grumpy headachy feeling that I really need sleep. Badly. I even took 60mg Codeine at 11pm. Nothing. Didn’t even touch the sides of my “drug pit”. Was still doing the kick off the blankets and put them back on dance routine at 11.30. 31. 32. 33. 34…. ad nausea…

Thought I’d get up and have a shower to hose that big black mans sweat off me. Don’t know where all these really weirdly smelling people get off by leaving all the sweat and dead skin in my bed. If I catch one of them, they’ll be getting a hammer between their eye-sockets.

So I got home from N.A. where you would have heard NZFiend say “no, Jimmy ((pause)) but I’m an addict though” in response to the session leader asking him to share. I have a suspicion that most of the room was relieved. Hah.

Before N.A. I went to the library and got out some interesting cannon fodder ;

ROMANCING OPIATES – Theodore Dalrymple talked about his book, Romancing Opiates: Pharmacological Lies and the Addiction Bureaucracy, published by Enounter Books. He discussed what he believes are the myths and realities surrounding modern drug use. As a psychiatrist specializing in drug overdoses, and as a prison doctor, he described clinical evidence that shows opiate addiction is not a disease, arguing that withdrawal from opiates is not a serious medical condition but a trivial experience. He said that criminality causes addiction more often than addiction causes criminality. After his presentation he answered audience members’ questions.
Anthony Daniels, a retired doctor and psychiatrist who practiced in a British inner-city hospital and prison, uses the pen name Theodore Dalrymple in most of his written works. He needs to use a pen name as NZFiend feels inclined towards killing him, his statement that withdrawal from opiates is a trivial experience needs backing up. I say inject his ass with 100mg of methadone for a year and then tell him his ass veins don’t work no more so he can’t have any. He just looks like a complete pompous twat. People like this are dangerous.
Although, so saying, I have experience first hand exactly what this guys whole premise is ; one day I found myself in a cell. I think it was a Thursday. I had been up all night and one thing lead to another. Basically I wanted a cigerette and although being banned from an area by the Police two minutes previously, I snuck back to get a lighter and ended up in jail for two months. But there was this guy there, J.M, who started going into withdrawals and lying on the ground yelling and shaking and convulsing and all that. Everyone in the cell was withdrawing off something. Think I was addicted to 60mg codiene & halcion 5mg, cooked and injected six or more times a day, along with 20mg methadone every second day, and a point bag of crystal meth every other day. I was also a smoker in those days and was pretty fond of the bars for a few hours and always had a Jack Daniels in the car. Yeah, it was amazing I stayed out of jail so long really! Fuck, now I write that down it looks STUPID! Me and one other guy didn’t bother going into withdrawal. (Although three days later my smokes still hadn’t made it to the 23 hour lock down wing I was in and I managed to start a little riot- 23 hour lock down with no tv, books etc in a brand new jail.. well, more on this another time).
J.M did decide to go into “serious withdrawal” and he got dragged out to isolation ward. Which gave our ears a rest, but didn’t give his co-conspirators time to hatch a proper story about how the guy that stole their cannabis grow operation had jumped into the boot of their car and demanded to have teeth pulled. Quite nice of the fellas I thought. But when they let him out he rung the filthy old police. Free dental work and all. What an asshole. So, although this book is trying to tell me withdrawal is all an act, I think there is a middle ground here. Maybe I should read the damn book before ramming my fingers through Theodore Dalrymple’s eye sockets.

200px-The_Psychopath_Test_(Jon_Ronson_book)_coverTHE PSYCHOPATH TEST – Jon Ronson
Criticised by the profession as being overly simplistic, NZFiend says that this makes it readable to him, so fuck you critic.

Holy crap. Page 97…

“The purpose of the conferance was to pool the observations on the minutiae of psychopath’ behavious…………… their conclusions became the now famous Hare PCL-R checklist ;

1 Glibness / Superficial Charm
2 Grandiose sense of self-worth
3 Need for stimulation / prone to boredom
4 Pathological lying
5 Conning / manipulative
6 Lack of remorse or guilt
7 Shallow affect
8 Lack of empathy
9 Parasitic Lifestyle
10 Poor behavioural controls
11 Promiscuous Sexual behaviour
12 Early behaviour problems
13 Lack of realistic long term goals
14 Impulsivity
15 Irresponsibility
16 Failure to take responsibility for own actions
17 Many short term marital style relationships
18 Juvenile Delinquency
19 Revocation of conditional release (NZFiend guesses jail time)
20 Criminal versatility

Think I will take a page to answer this elsewhere.
Just for a laugh.
I *know* I ain’t a psycho.
I use drugs, they don’t use me.

She claims to have gone from wreckage to redemption, but I did read a small bit that seemed readable. This chick was a published writer before getting hooked on the pain meds. Bit of a shame she didn’t wake up earlier. Being a travel writer would be an excellent way of cruising the world sampling drugs for free. Dumb ass. But she is a chick, so will look at her way of writing on the subject and then promptly forget about it. As did the studio audience, whom no doubt all got free copies under their seats at time of release (yaaaayayyayayyayayayayyayyy… scream… faint… fade to commercial, camera three, out……)

Just to clarify some shit here – I once was a paid writer too. But I just made my shit up.

lockedwardTHE LOCKED WARD – Dennis O’Donnell
(Wow, look at all the double letters in Dennis O’Donnell – you have to be careful when typing Scootish names you know)

Autobiagraphal look out the eyes from a psych orderly.

Just got this one out for a laugh when the others become too hard reading.

And, my favourite book…….

NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS 362.29386 NAR – Complete book can be found in PDF – Here

A lot of N.A. members struggle with the “god thing”. Especially in places with relatively low believers per population (like drug dero ‘hoods, obviously)…

“Simplicity is the key to our symbol; it imitates the simplicity of our fellowship. All sorts of occult and esoteric connotations can be found in its simple outlines, but foremost in the minds of the fellowship are easily understood meanings and relationships…”

NZFIEND says “if it was truly a case of being simple, the logo would be a FULL STOP. Simplicity itself. A dot. Meaning stop! Start a new sentence (of life).”

NZFIEND further wishes to advise that he has done some work on recreating such, but knows the fellowship wouldn’t like triangles and hexagrams too much by missing out god… And the words “my higher power” don’t fit on any self respecting graphical logotype.

Did you know that latin for “six sided star” (of David I guess) is SEXAGRAM? Interestingly the up ^ means male and v female, can use triangles. So, one time I re-discovered this all by myself.

Re-Inventing the wheel yet again – an artform, NZFiends autobiography


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