DAY TEN, evening after N.A.ZI meeting…

I feel good again right now. Kind of a nervous energy thing though. Someone at N.A. said I was hard to be around last week as I made them want to go use. Fucken hell mate. Look at me, you want to be back like me? You’re in trouble. You will be coming to N.A. until you’re a hundred and three. I will be dead.

Anyway, I feel good enough. But over tired. Very over tired. Tired and sleepy like you should never have to be. Never. Because, unless you’re doing a lot of speed, you wouldn’t be awake this long or with so little sleep over a long period of time. It will drive you nuts. And then you’ll want to get on some drugs.

I should have kept a proper count of sleep hours on a chart.

DAMN IT. I will have to go and do this all over again with proper tests. This just isn’t good enough.

 

Well, here we have it. Strange situation, there’s something wrong with you.

Or me according to an N.A.ZI mate.

I shared very briefly bestowing my esteemed and well rounded philosophical belief that having a box of needles, a full container of dirty sharps and seeing old mates who use and lose regularly are a good thing.

What?

Well, I am big on character building.

What?

No, I hear you. You’re right. It’s borderline self flagellation.

OKay, so put it this way. Short, sharp shocks of intensity may equal longer periods of lesser intensity. Like how I took myself off the methadrone this time. A day with nothing here and there so you get a little used to the effects of not having any. Rather than tapering off slowly and then stopping. I am ahead of you. Because my body already knows what is going to happen over the first couple of days. After the first few days is open for discussion.

Admittedly people are more succesfull withdrawing a little at a time. There is a good formula for this, but Sam McBride from Wellington District Health Board Alcohol and Drug service wouldn’t know it… I would suggest he doesn’t give a fuck… I would suggest something like –

CURRENT INTAKE divided by FIFTY each reduction day. And then only reduce twice a week at most. This is to avoid people hitting the “shock”, but which I maintain is beneficial.

So, if you’re on a hundred you could by 100 on Monday, 100 Tuesday, 98 Wed, 98 Thursday, 98 Friday… It is all a percentage thing. Once you are under fifty, well I don’t know. Harden up and jump! Hahah.

Let’s say you’re on twenty and have thirty one day. You will be exactly the same level of fucked up as someone who is on sixty having ninety. You are having a third extra. Either way.

Similarly, to some extent, I have a belief that doing a crash course like mine is not so bad. You are going to start hanging one day. My withdrawal may be worse than someone jumping off 1mg, but we will both be doing it. Probably for similar lengths of time even.

It is the same with worrying factors such as being around old friends, places or events. By having them in my face they test me every day. They show me every day what was wrong with me. People have lost touch with the dreams and goals, and that is okay to look at for me. It may keep me from becoming them.

It kind of hurts when an old druggy mate doesn’t keep in contact. But then, when you think about it, you were always the one doing him favours really. He is too into his own world of bullshit. Leave him to it. I owe them nothing. They owe me, but I don’t give a rats ass. They can have whatever I’ve given them. Straight.

Consumers running meetings with the need for idiots like Sam McBride.

I  do like the consumer lead model of AA and N.A, although am amazed they still carry on about this GOD character so much. It is a stumbling block for so many, yet it the literature is riddled with it. I keep saying it… “My Higher Power” is just too much of a mouthful and is too much text to fit on simple logos. If it is possible to drag a similar model into the mental health sector as a way of dealing with specific illness then GOD just has to go. After trying to fully engage into this process over the last week (eight meetings in seven days people – suck it) there actually is scope there to move this into mental health arena. Especially if you had groups of “anxiety anon”, “depressed anon”, “I didn’t just say it, I did slash my right forearm anon”….

Eureka – Change “GOD” in all texts to “TV” ; thus

TV, give me the serenity to……….

BANG.

I like the individuals there. I always relate to what people are saying. I had a discussion with this younger lady about a few things the other week ;

“I was good at having different groups. Like four or five lives. I would have football mates, junky mates, motorbike mates, computer mates and town mates. The football mates would have kicked me out if they knew I was shooting up at half time in the toilets. The druggy mates would, and did, laugh when they saw me off to play footy. I would keep everyone seperate.”

“Really, me too…”

And then today the guy running the meeting basically said the same thing. I turned to see what the younger girl thought and she was already staring at me winking. There you go.

Proof is in the pudding mate.

WE DO FUCKEN LISTEN.

I, especially, may not look like it. But there it is.

Listening, not the drug addicts most enduring skillset.

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