I might be okay after all

Tired again. Is now lunchtime. Tired isn’t the word. Sore. Tired. Tired AND Sore. Slow, lethargic.

Complete opposite to two hours ago.

Two hours ago I was pumped. I was walking fast and purposefully. It felt good. I am having to be very careful here, but I was in court this morning and the Police are trying to take my license off me for another six months on top of the three months I am currently only a month into. This put me into one amazing mood. The drugs are leaving and the feelings are coming back. I have to remind myself to be very careful. There could be more police charges pending after all.

I basically made up my mind that a few years didn’t matter and jail seems like a good option. Someone give me that psychopathic test again, quick smart.

You see, it all comes down to knowing the territory. The worst thing a judge ever did for me was put me in jail when younger for three days. Three days of hanging out in jail when you’re sixteen or something is not good… It just gets you more used to the jail environment than you should be. You are no longer scared of going to jail in the slightest. Now you can do whatever you want as the biggest punishment they can give you has already  been experienced. And not altogether disliked as there were a number of old timers in there whom were okay to be around.

So,  I am proud of myself.

Proud damn it.

My first thoughts weren’t of using drugs. It took me two hours to think of using some drugs as an escape. I even got a text message asking if I would be around to score today. No, sorry.

I feel sorry for not scoring as the old skin guy needs a bit of money. But really? Uhm. What am I doing again? Giving up aren’t I? Yeah, I;ll stick with that one for a while yet. Giving up sounds great, apart from the chronic back pain sets in sometimes. It was not very good on the way home just now…

And that is why I need my license. I have pain. Sometimes I cannot walk. Sometimes I cannot put my shoes or socks on. I have to hold onto things when I cough as my back hurts when I do. Thankfully the surgeon fixed the bits that were paralysing me slowly two years ago. Poo’ing and wee’ing without meaning to was getting tiresome. I need a license to make ends meet doing odd jobs. I need a license to help errant kids get some skills helping me with the odd building jobs as my back lets me down.

I can’t be bothered with anything right now. Everything got on top of me. Powerless. I just want to lay down and sleep. But that isn’t happening. I have had a bit of fruit and a muffin, but no food before going to court.

I think I might be okay after all. If I can put myself through all this and still have a box of needles sitting under the desk as I type this, I think I might be okay.

I hit a huge stress factor for me today and did not pick up and use drugs, nor did I follow up on my initial thoughts of hurting very much the police officers involved.

It would be nice for them to know how close they came today. They could be in a hospital right now and I could be in jail for a few years. But they aren’t and neither am I.

“My Higher Power”, We all have a lot to be thankful for. 

All this has reminded me that I am barely functioning right now. The psychological aspects of being awake, tired and highly emotional are not to be sneezed at. It is complicated dealing with real people right now.

I am seriously amazed that when hit with this stress today I didn’t instantly think of using drugs. It took two hours.

This is dangerous though – All the feelings are going to be coming back. Not just crying at the drop of a hat – but anger, depression, anxiety… If I was on drugs I would not have set off looking for trouble like that today.

You just have to believe that it is positive.

I told the N.A group about it. I was having vivid ideas of hitting skulls until they caved in. Maybe I will be the only person ever kicked out of N.A for being too up front, open and honest.


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