DAY 12, evening

N.A. Meeting tonight. Got there.

Am glad I got there, I am. Am I. Glad am I. I am glad I got to N.A tonight.

As usual with my ADHD brain my mouth cannot keep up. Everything popped in clarity regarding someone elses tale. A girl was stressed yesterday and went out looking to fight someone for nothing. Whom the fuck does that remind you of?

She didn’t end up hitting anyone either. As she talked she said some things that were exactly me. And by exactly, I mean exactly. Other than the fact she is a girl, and fucken pretty with it. If I was a girl, and fucken pretty with it, I would have been her. But worse. She is managing to avoid a total melt down by the skin of her teeth. All I could really say is “mate, you’ve got a twenty year head start on me – you will be fine.” Fingers crossed for that nutter.

Some idiots feel you have to hit rock bottom before bouncing. I feel you just have to be sick enough of it to do something else.

25 years or 5 years. Up to you. 25 years for me saw a lot of ups and downs, and a number of bounces. Bouncing head off police cars bonnet from where I was thrown off a balcony with cuffs on. And then they charged me with “intentional damage” too. Hahahahahaahaha, Police sense of humour. It’s not exactly Flight Of The Conchords (some other people whom I went to school with and all that as it happens – Wellington is small……) in its delivery, but it is quite funny nonetheless.

I should have told her a few things. But I didn’t manage it. I managed to say a few things about the amount of people with similar traits. ADHD, BI POLAR, CO DEPENDANT, ANXIOUS, DEPRESSED, POST TRAUMATIC STRESS, HEAD INJURY… The list goes on. If you looked at “addicts” and then at “un treated mental illness” you would find a lot of each group identifying in the other.

Abstaining from drugs does not cure the problem. It is only through research of who we are, why we are and maybe how we are that we can work through to some inner peace within ourselves and move on.

Before the meeting we were all in a good as mood. There was only five of us. Then more people showed up and the boisterous behaviour tapered off and we got a little session out the way. Oh bugger, I think, because I can’t control my mouth, I told them my A.C.E score. Shit. Damn open and honestly. http://www.acestudy.org

By the way – If you read the LAWYERY bit from the post two previous, do you think I should have sent a copy to all the lawyers mentioned in it and the Police prosecution? Look here boys and girls, what do YOU think I did? And from my real email account. With my real name and contact details. No replies yet. Bet you they just ignore me. I would.

GOD

Oh my god. How the hell did this happen? I have http://prophetbrahmarishi.me/ following these posts now. PLEASE CLICK ON THAT LINK. I did. I am not going to look any further now, will go somewhere with free bandwidth for that. I have to have an open mind to all things. That was in my original rule book before giving up this time two weeks ago. Rules are rules. Especially when the are MY RULES.

BOXING

I went into town to watch the boxing in a bar, seeing as it is pay-for-view and I couldn’t afford rent at the same time as getting this old laptop onto the internet. Stood outside the first bar, old made “D” went in to his “mates” (more than likely local bike “enthusiasts”) so I went to the next. But didn’t feel right. Sometimes I can sit and grab lemonade and watch the TV’s if something is on I really want to see.

Guess I didn’t really want to watch the boxing. Or, I still feel like death warmed up and didn’t feel like fitting in and being sociable. Just want to go to sleep again.

I walked to supermarket, bought two bananas (apparently potassium helps with the legs shakes / cramps thing) a pine apple and some razor blades. Came to $40, which just about made me wet myself.

I AM HONESTLY SUCH A LUCKY PERSON.

But for the grace of my higher power, I would be dead many times over. But, more importantly, I am not in a wheelchair. That was the best operation in the world. Fullstop. Restored my faith in surgeons. Stunning to be walking. Everyday upright is a bonus.

People just don’t understand. Old made “D” is trying to get me to join mixed martial arts. But “D”, you ain’t seen me fight for twenty years. I am stuffed……!

Tried playing football last time clean for three months. Resulted in disaster and back on opiate pain meds within three days of first game.

You have to know some limits.

I refused all limits for 39 years.

It really could be time to grow the fuck up.

Firstly, sleep like an eighty year old. Yes please, thank you kindly.

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