Warning, I have re-read this page two days later and realise that I was quite contentedly going very insane. I am not going to edit this page, contrary to my over riding instinct to maintain a semi sensible front. This is what I typed, in this age of digital community it is easy to lose the bad (and good) in the cloud of data that gets re-written each day by the trend and fluctuations of society. Take it for what it is. The aimless ramblings of someone half a second away from becoming plotless.
Listening isn’t a junkies strong point –
As it happens – Listening to self is problematic too. Advice given recently, BREATHE, RELAX, have a think about it. Whatever you want to say in your new age sensitive way – Centre yourself, calm. Inner peace & Serenity.
So this guy laughs at me and I smash his sternum with my shoulder. Fair enough.
I have had my daughter this weekend and have not been to a N.A. since thursdays abortion where my brain is going a million miles an hour and I have an idea that everyone there can either not keep up or want to shoot me fill of smack and send me on my way depending on how intelligent they are.
My poor little girl. She is so cool. She is the only reason I am still here.
Here, at present, is my home. A crappy shit hole of a place where I sleep and avoid. Unless I am on day 13 or 14 of withdrawing from 70mgs of methadone a day. In which case I am here a lot.
My daughter was here with me today. It should have been yesterday but I rang her mum and got my mum to pick her up so I could consume six times the daily limit of Zopiclone and got something close to twelve hours of laying down. She came over this morning, had a good enough morning. Went to a thing at lunch time, went to half an N.A meeting tonight. Just got fed up. Other than the one time I got asked to share no one has ever asked me anything… I am going through a bad time with a lot of stress and yesterday I almost had a complete bona fide metldown. I was chasing people to hurt them. I was not in control. I need sleep, and ADHD treatment.
I avoided N.A. as none of them would give a fuck. Their all too busy in their own little worlds of “oh I feel so challenged about going to this costume party”. FUCK UP YOU IDIOT. I HAVE NEVER BEEN INVITED TO A CUSTOME PARTY IN MY LIFE EVER. I HAVE NEVER BEEN INVINTED TO MY FRIENDS WEDDINGS. The time I see my friends kids is on facebook for a minute as and soon as I try saying “hey can you put me in touch with your dad” the report me for groooming underages or something!
It’s a c ustome party. Put a sheet over your head and tell them you the ghost of a cow.
SO, I had some serious stuff I really need to get a bit of help with. But I also needed to get back to my daughter who has playing PS3 R16 game and go for an hour bike ride to take her to grandmas.
Theat is another thing. My sisters room is now Kates room. Everything I remember of Kate is in that room. And my daughter,
I saw my loverly daughter whom I love more than anything, I would pick up and use drugs right now if would save for from some hard.
I may have to stop writing the log. My daughter hit me. HARD when I tried to the nine year tuck into bad thing. had one quick breath and then i thumbed her with a glancing blow across her back. Of would have bee just as hard as she hit me, not more sore. I haeve a headache an hours later as she hit me in that same space a large metal bar opened up six months ago. I got headached and my duughter got a little calmed lasp across her back half a second late.
I’m stuffed. I an im truoble with this withdrawr.
My feelings around comming back. And some of those I would be better off avoiding.
Strong love for daughter
Strong hate of her mum for scrwing me over.
I am sad. My day is just of requiring for a long long cry. And I might. So fuck of four six hous.