Day Fifteen of sweet fuck all

Really, is this what I gave up drugs for? At least my hand writing is returning to normal.

The point? Nope, it escapes me. Really think life is better with the bloody molecules running through your mellon.

Concentrate on your new, clean, associations….

You mean those people who look down their nose at me for voicing an opinion? Who don’t listen because they already know better? The people who aren’t doing so well themselves but feel obliged to preach en masse at first opportunity? Those fuckers?

The exact sort of people that lead me to drug use in the first place. The sort of person who lives in a fucken backpackers at the age of fifty and yet had the right to cut me off mid sentence because he’s been cleaner longer? Well. Phuck, with a capital P. What is the point of living like that?

N.A. world has some good people in it. But maybe they should have some sort of system of dealing with new comers which doesn’t scare them away.


When asking for a phone number or contact details, use it within 24 hours. This will make the person feel welcome, not further alienated from yet another community that they were hoping to find faith within.

How’s that for a start? We now have 13 traditions in N.A, and as long as the other twelve follow the “constant contact” rule for vulnerable new comers, we can do some good for the world.

The prayer at the beginning of each session for “the still suffering junky bum” goes where? Do you take it home with you and blow it out your ass onto some paper later? When, exactly, does anything tangible actually get done for the “still suffering junky”.

Assholes and idiots everywhere. It’s just that when dealing with self admitted druggy assholes and idiots you don’t have to shake their hand and pretend to like them afterward.

Don’t say you heard it here first,


The injecting drug user will always be honest. As long as it is “yes, I want drugs”. As long as you understand that is a truth, and everything else is a lie, you can, and will, form strong relationships that will lead to foursomes with each others girlfriends.

You will even remain friends years later.

Straight people are always saying shit like

if there is anything I can do….” blah blah fucken blah.

As soon as you’re out of sight, you’re out of mind. That’s that. He can go back to his suffering, his completely screwed up thought processes. I will check in with him next week if he’s still in Wellington / New Zealand / living.

If he isn’t living we will all go “oh my god (god being a television tube, I worked it out last night) I knew things were bad, but I didn’t think they were that bad. Ohhhhh, if only we knew, we could have done something…. How sad.”

Well, you do know. You just have to look. People like me are all over the place. People like you are talking about the weather and trying to remember if you left the chicken out to defrost.

But, even if you aren’t blind and you do see. What do you do? Just being there is enough. It’s a mental health thing. Knowing people care. Knowing you’re needed. Talking. Not just taking a number, maybe give the person yours? How’s that for a simple plan? Someone should do a mental health poster or tv campaign about it. Oh, they have. So why are so many people still left behind by the society and the groups within it that are full of pre-amble about love and tolerance before they ostracise you?

I need a break. I need a long long break. I need to be with my daughter. I need to go and do something for me.

It is all the same day now. Day thirteen, day fifteen. Day twenty seven. Whatever. Don’t care. I think I am feeling normal. And it’s not nice. Feeling normal is why I am a drug user by choice. This is why giving up for me “fails”. I am, arguably, better with drugs than without.

Am a bit concerned about my clonazapam intake. Hahahahahahahaahha. Too bad. Suck it.

Dear DR Gabor Mate,
Thank you very much for your reply Gabor, I have been trying to convince the nice folk at to purchase these books, along with Globalisation of Addiction. I think they are getting sick of me, so have posted links and blogs with the Bruce Alexander video prominently featured.
If you and / or Bruce are ever in New Zealand, I can guarantee you an excellent audience. You will be able to spot me easily – I will be the one with the shotgun and riot gear chasing the politicians and “godlike” drug psych’ people into the building…..

They did print out the Writing of Recovery for me, which I’ve had on computer for years but it is much better reading  from paper. I don’t think the “pad” or “tablet” generation is going to kill print any time soon.
I wish I had the money for your texts. I don’t. So that is where it ends for me. for a bed time chuckle. (Yes, it is me…)
Thanks for the help to date, NZFiend.


The people with the I.Q testing got back to me, and their testing just rates you in a percentile basis, not a score to advertise to the world on a silly blog. This is a shame. I may do a similar online one later today and see what my score is. I feel more whole today. More like a functioning person of average I.Q. Not a disjointed ADDH case waiting to find someone worthy of abusing.
Thank you for the reply. I have completed tests before, when much younger (and arguably not being adhd!) and came out closer to the XXX mark than the XXX. Nowadays I have a sneaky suspicion that I wouldn’t be able to concentrate and would just start putting ticks in random boxes to pass the time.
It’s coming.
And, with luck, I won’t hate it.

Say something, we want to know...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s