DAY sixteen – The Locked Ward

The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad – Salvador Dali.

Dude, Salv’ old mate. You did everything to try to appear nutty as a fruitcake. I know this. You are me. You should have seen some of my art mate. You would have copied it. Your dripping clock had nothing on mine. Mine used human entrails as its mechanism. When I was asked to draw a bowl of fruit in art at school I drew a perfect bowl of fruit. Then they became transparent. Then entirely insane prisoners with their hands against the side of the transparent fruit screaming to get out. Yes Salva’ old mate, your moustache is attention seeking. Your art very good. I could look at your art above all others, save for some of the metal bands (quality of image) and punk art (raw emotion – even CHICKS ON SPEED, let me at those chicks on speed…….) Good art, but over rated. I wish I was you. Other than that Anthonie Dixonesque eye ball thing you have going on.

Hi, my name is NZFiend, I am a drug addict.

Or am I?

I am a recovering psychiatric Chinese stir fry. 

I will try that at the next N.A. meeting. That will get me kicked out once and for all. Surely. The N.A. doctrine is pretty strictly drugs are the problem. But even the best people there admit they go for “more than just the drugs. It keeps my head level, without this I go insane” has been said almost every night by a different individual. Last night by a real old hard man who would never think he had a mental illness, he is purely a drug addict violent psychopath. He knows it, and works with it. But don’t you dare label him anything other than an addict. It would not end well. Guarantee it. He’s a fucken good man. I would like him as a sponsor for me. Don’t think that would end well either. We may just wind eachother up too much.

Stigma. Drugs. None.

Everyone is proud to be a recovering narcotics user. It’s getting insane. The recovery industry is huge (see previous rants) but do we recover? They say yes. I say no. We abstain and learn to hide our mental defects.

Stigma. Mental Illness. Quite some.

Hi, I am Jim, I am an addict. I am clean four years. But I cannot be here tonight as I killed myself last night. I talked about it a few times. I tried a couple of times when using. I would like a reason to live. But too late. I am dead. Sorry to my wife and kids. Hope my wife doesn’t get back on the gear because of my suicide. She has to know it wasn’t her fault. I am sorry.

The literary press have all, in their snot nosed way, said DENNIS O’DONNELL (count the number of N’s and L’s Fiend, you don’t want to cause any eruptions in the Scottish brotherhood) needed more treatment on his work (book) THE LOCKED WARD.

As it happens, I am a big believer in no treatment. Give me SUB HU MANS live. Give me BAILTERSPACE without two hundred tracks edited over four years. Give me my crystal meth in tap water and a 3ml syringe.

The likes of esteemed publications such as The Telegraph http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/books/bookreviews/9012903/The-Locked-Ward-by-Dennis-ODonnell-review.html give poor old Dennis some shit. But most of the “peoples” reviews on the likes of GOOD READS (http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/13129662-the-locked-ward) rate this thing about four out of five.

Maybe Dennis will be disappointed with this. He is an equal to MBA English Lit’ or something after all. He should be re-working Shakespeare or some crap. Instead he went to work in a locked ward and produced some basic memoirs of a psychiatric orderly. Some would suggest a waste of potential. NZFiend says, brilliance. And hope Dennis is serene with himself and his work (@#$@@#!!!)

Unfortunately for all the addict is an addict and the slightly insane are slightly insane.  The self help book people “Men are from Mars and Women fucken well aren’t” and the like need to go a step further than describing withdrawal and dependence in their modern day gold mine of addiction recovery writing.

The more you look into this, the more the problematic this thinking. I know people (addicts) who display more outward signs of mental instability than criminally insane people. It is just that “their drug of choice” is keeping lids on it for them.

Until the recovery models acknowledge that they are the same the stigma of mental issues prevail. Open source projects, even Mike Kings Nutters Club, should really include more addiction material. I am not a regularly listener, nor contributor, to this medium, but it has popular appeal. Most addicts know they have issues. But the way to salvation is to not do the drugs. Part of not doing drugs is to take a long hard and mentally fraught look at yourself. Make a list of all those you have harmed and make reparations (uhm… Guys, seriously, that isn’t happening, there is just no way anyone could replace what I have stolen, destroyed, fucked up, shot or simply blown up……….. And how much of those things are drugs, and how much are bona fide mental illness? I think N.A. is going to put Community Alchohol and Drugs Psych people out of business… If only N.A. could prescribe itself strong psych meds…...,….)

Me, ADHD. Along with a few other interesting titbits.

N.A. literature goes on about “starting point is often a self-engendered belief that you are unworthy whom no one would love”.

Guess what? I copied that word for word from page 101 of Dennis’ book, not the N.A. literature. Similar? Fuck me, it’s the same.

Depersonalisation. Global economy. Drug addiction. It’s a mess that clogs itself to a confused stand still once you throw god and religion into the mix.

Lucky I still have a totally illegal stash of rivotril. Otherwise my head would explode just thinking about the stupidity of it.

Coming off drugs is great. Until you discover why you were taking them in the first place.

And now there are more important things to do. Like print out my Dads birthday card and remember to take the bloody Loperamide so that I don’t spend all day finding toilets and start putting some weight back on. Jumping off methadone. Do it.