Drugs ain’t the problem.
The problem is everything else.
Everyone is a nutcase, a fruit loop, a stark raving loony. I’ve been saying it for years, if we weren’t all imbalanced, how would we ever be able to make up our mind given the choice of two almost identical options.
The more I hear peoples stories the more I hear the fruit loop became before the addiction.
The whole recovery industry is therefore doomed to an eternal struggle to retain members. The government will want a top down approach (throw everyone into the bottomless pit methadrone dulldrums) the addicts will want control of their own destiny.
If you take away the problem of supply (illegalities, time, effort) and just allow addicts to be functioning and productive members of society then there is actually no requirement for the recovery industry as such.
Two main causes of addiction (from experience) appear to be pain and mental health issues created at a young age. Another cause, commonly overlooked, is that people JUST LIKE GETTING FUCKEN HAPPILY WASTED!! These people are more likely not to become huge issues, but (if they do) I will put them in the mental health bracket;
WHY DO YOU LIKE GETTING WASTED JANE?
Coz it makes me feel good.
YOU WERE ABUSED AS A THREE YEAR OLD JANE.
No, I wasn’t you dirty old fuck, I just like drugs.
NO JANE, PLEASE JUST TICK THIS BOX SO WE CAN THROW YOU IN THE METHADONE PIT……
Another successful intervention from the Wellington Alcohol and Drug Service.
Pain is a hard one. The pain goes away. Then it comes back, so you’re on a constant roller coaster of addiction and recovery.
Mental health is usually more constant. You have hidden from your failings or perceived weakness, character defects, character traits, dissociations etc and you need to face up to yourself. And do it HARD.
This journey of mine is taking a turn for the awkward.
I have chronic pain issues. I was very lucky to retain the use of my legs and have control over my bowel and bladder. I am very lucky. Full stop. A hundred mile an hour into the side of a car… Still have legs… Maybe one day I will type in all the accidents, the times I’ve died, the times I’ve looked down on my own body… But that is seriously boring. Just take the quick exit available and smile knowingly.
There are issues with me getting along with N.A. people in a group. As a relative new comer there are some whom are sceptical. Pity really, I quite like them. I understand where they are coming from, but they don’t have a fucken clue about me, and I ain’t going to be sharing that much at this rate.
When I say “there is no way I can make amends for some stuff” it is damn true. One guy carries on about not being able to make amends to his mum and dad. My sister just died, I tried to make amends to her by looking after her and almost ruining myself to do so. I did not mention this. I did not mention all the people I have helped out, free of charge. I did not mention all the work I have done in other areas. I did not mention blowing things up, burning things down or pulling triggers sideways. Hell, one of the worst ones is little things. Like being kicked out of a house, breaking something important, but then that person being your friend afterwards. I guess people work out you’re sorry and don’t want you to beat yourself up too much. They just want you to be well, and for all those people the best I can do is stay straight. I can be fucken trouble otherwise.
I, too, suffer the old “walk into a place and get a feeling people know who I am and what I’ve done” but I don’t know them. I get it almost daily. It is only people I have met in the last few years or early in my career whom I actually know and recognise. There are fifteen years of pretty constant blur. I know I know this person, but how. And why? And, oh shit, forget it, see you ’round.
I have awkward moments passing business in town as I know I have not followed up on getting money or getting even for their lack of business sense when dealing with me years ago. I let it slide. I am owed thousands from the old days. There they are on the step of their now successful design and tattoo studios, here is me with nothing. They owe me thousands. They owe me a beer. They owe me nothing, because I just nod and walk past. And they duck back into their business, probably to ring old mate “so and so” and say I saw that NZFiend. He’s a loser now. Hahahahaha.
So, what am I doing? Fuck knows really. Seeing where this current state of giving up takes me. I have never given up and had nothing to do before. Always been busy, work, relationship, university. Whatever.
It is time to take stock of myself. See who I am.
I don’t think I am that bad. I’m kind, honest and blunt with a point.
I am also borderline mental stir fry.
Hard to know after spending two thirds of life running around like a headless chicken.
Have never engaged with psych people. Always just enough to get let out of prison or probation. I think it’s time to get this ADHD thing looked into, and maybe see what box they will squash me into without drug addiction being the main presenting factor to the all powerful aseholes.