Cool, three weeks since last proper methadone dose of 50mg a day. Feeling okay, lethargic, still yet to re-find Serenity (or even Serenitys slutty sister, Satisfied)… Putting all your issues to one side and mentally letting go is one thing. Until someone throws a whole heap more shit at you. If it is one thing life is always doing, it is throwing shit. Loperamideless diarrhea shit.
Bloody psychopaths at the top look down and see us all smiling up. All us normal nutter fruit loops look up and see nothing but assholes. Psychopathic arseholes, recently outed psychopathic assholes at that.
Can’t complain really.
I was going to say I have my health (I don’t)
I was going to say I have my family (I don’t)
I was going to say I had a good day (I didn’t)
Hell, why can’t I complain?
No point. It’s not like complaining about the police, the lawyers or the rabidly retarded ex-partners…
Complaining about myself is counter productive.
Have only recently stopped saying “I want to die” or “I will kill myself now”.
Guess today wasn’t so bad. Made a little progress, looked up Omeprazole dosages and found I can take double what is written on script for my stomach ulcer… So am taking 40mg daily first thing in morning. Fingers crossed. Am so sick of my stomach. And yawning, come to think of it. Is kind of embarrassing yawning uncontrollably from mid afternoon.
Said a few totally 100% correct things at the correct times. Most unlike me, but most helpful to others whom needed it. Feels good. And then I go get all down at myself for not doing things 24/7. Time to take stock and go curl up with a book or some such non complicated time filling activitiy.
I am giving myself a break.
Second N.A meeting in one day
If I do two more tomorrow and another two another day I will be back up to ONE A DAY. If I do that for 365 days I am going to Auckland and trying scientology. No shit.
So, N.A meeting tonight was good. No sharing from me, said all I wanted earlier. Then another guy pipes up and says everything I should have. He came off the ‘drone a few months back and is going through all the same confusion, depression, ANXIETY… He is adopted, he met his real family, had expectations (even though you try not to, you cannot help it when meeting your family, fucken trust me) is scraping a living together… Etc etc etc…
Like me he gets annoyed with N.A. Or, maybe annoyed is a too strong term. Maybe apathy towards the N.A doctrine is a better way of putting it?
Either way, I am glad I met the guy. It is a pity that N.A is the only big group of clean addicts in Wellington. If there was a group of sixty clean addicts that met every night and talked shit without some of the barriers then I think that would be enough for some of us.
A different guy who started the same day as me is going great guns – has a sponsor, has a copy of the step book, daily readings. Everything. Everything N.A.ZI land has to offer, he is fully accepting and into it. 100%. Fair enough, that will work for him. I can see, straight up, that he is motivated to succeed, and succeed he shall. Mental illness or no.
Me and my other N.A adopted brother. We are both fourty. We are both a bit jaded. We will both be okay.
He has an advantage. He has a skill he makes money from and enjoys. He is a writer.