Horrible night really. No sleep to speak of between 11pm and 6am. Got an hour each side of this period. No physical effects really, but was brains fault.
Head was going three ways at once. Actually, it was three ways at once with another three in constant revolving back up. They weren’t really arguing for attention, but if not concentrating on one enough, another would jump out. Ad nauseum. Ad nausea. Ad diarrhea even.
Is it odd to hear your own voice constantly? Is it strange to be thinking of a TV program, a book, a real life situation, theory about evolution and some other stuff at the same time as having an song on constant repeat in the background? Each one would fade in and out of background noise. Background noise? Holy crap, they all merge to background noise. Had a hard time controlling it. Turned on TV for a while, tried reading for a while. Then just thought about tennis and the book…
So, does everyone talk to themselves like that in their bloody head all the time? That’s me.
I so need to get some more books old Gabor Mate old buddy….
I tell you, brains are awesome things. Head injury aside and drug damage aside, mine seems to still be okayish. It is not so bi-polar that the two sides tear my soul through the middle. It is capable of thought, which to some would seem obscure, slightly irrational and more than annoying when trying to verbalise what is going on. But it is me, and I do some good shit sometimes. So, no thanks to the Thorazine shuffle or the strong mood levellers. Life goes up and down. So does my head.
So – NO DRUGS TAKEN. But might go back and get some Zopiclone (sleeping pill form) again. I feel like I am cheating.
But at the same time, I feel I am giving myself a break.
Public Service Warning (USA)
Hell – They still have not actually worked out a proper definition of what psychotic actually is.
Everyone thinks they know – try it, get a group of friends, have a game of “tell me what is psychotic” – but really, it is hard to define.
People a lot more clever, well rounded and literally capable than I have tried to define it. And their definition is lousy.
Giving myself a break
May just well give myself a break from N.A.zi meetings for the next week. There is a good meeting Sunday morning, so may make that depending on weather and what am doing with daughter. Didn’t go last night and didn’t get a text this morning from the N.A. guy with the daily reading on it either.
I am starting to feel like I need N.A.A. A recovery group for people addicted to N.A.
Swapping one drug for another… Hmmm. Still not a hundred percent all the N.A. guys actually have that brilliant life. To tell you the truth I did quite all right on the drugs compared to most of their tales. But hey, enough negativity. Onwards and upwards. I don’t think I have enough time in the day to do the N.A WAY. Hahaha