Hell, my laugh has come back. It never went far, the sense of humour is always close at hand, but along with the other maybe not so nice feelings that have been hidden under multicoloured layers of drug haze (depression, anxiety, anger, self harm, suicidal thoughts and general self loathing) the mirth, the humour and the thinking about tomorrow has come back. Like surfing a wave of emotion that is closing out as it approaches the beach and you just don’t want the ride to stop… BANG… Smashed forehead, cut from fin and rescued from beach vomiting sea water…. Then you stand up, shake it off, and laugh hard at yourself.
Have been laughing out loud at TV and all sorts of stuff. Good fun.
Managed to get my daughter picked up from the evil she devil that stole my sperm. Daughter is very stand-offish towards me. The annoying bitch Mum of hers has said a few things. Sure, our weekend last fortnight was shit, but then I am sure she has had shitter days… It’s just that when you only see her for such a short time each month it has time to grow and fester. If she lived with me we would have been able to kiss and make up the next day.
But her mum ain’t all that clever.
Luckily my daughter looks like her, but has my brain. And gangly feet.
Had a rubbish afternoon, stressed and annoyed and feeling horrible. Bloody evil she devil wound me up. Told me that I couldn’t see my daughter and then swore at me and hung up. She is busy ringing lawyers and stuff. So, great. Good one.
But hey. My first thought wasn’t drugs. Nor drink. Nor anything. My first thought was “stupid bitch” my second thought was “I am going to go and kill her” but my third thought was “I am going to go and laugh about it with someone”. I found John at the coffee shop. He’s turning into a good mate actually. Am going to miss him when he finally starts getting off his ass and releasing some new material. Once he starts making music money again he won’t be doing the coffee thing. I’d better sabotage his recording equipment.
Rivers on the moon people, rivers on the moon.
So, went to bed at about 11pm. Went to sleep, daughter down at Mum and Dads 10km away. Rode home on bike after putting her to bed. Was awake again at midnight. Gave up trying to get back to sleep by 1am, got up, put on Joy Division LP, sat in bath. Now almost 2am. Tired but filling time until tired enough to sleep. Brain slow, but not that slow if you get my meaning.
Wish I was a river on the moon sometimes. Having to deal with life and peoples whose sole mission in theirs seems to be aimed at making yours harder.
F ck them. And f ck their cat.