DAY 27 sucks arse

Fuckit, why not?!

Unless you happen to be gay, sucking arse is not good. Nothing like a feltch of a day to remind you why life is crap and you should use drugs. I really need to do that court paperwork now. Even I am losing respect for myself.

Don’t know what her mum has been saying or what, but my daughter is using every excuse under the sun and a few made up ones to stay at bloody Grandma’s. Got sick of it and came home. So on my weekend with my daughter I get a miserable little girl who complains about everything, and just hangs off grandma the whole time. I see her for about three hours and cant stomach it any more and leave her there. She is staying at my house from now on. It’s not right that she goes down there and I have to ride 10km backwards and forwards and their house isn’t on a weekend bus route etc etc etc.

I am her Dad. And this is total bullshit.

I have no doubt at all that her mum has been in her ear. F cken stupid shitty thing to do.

N.A meeting in one and half hours. Might bloody well go to that. I feel like total worn out dog poo, so what the hell. Go along there and put no money in the tin and see what salvation and wisdom the lads have.

I need a lie down N.A meeting. Sitting up gets to be hard work.

——————–

Went to N.A meeting. First one in four days.

Can pretty much say I am over it. F ck n stupid young bitch telling everyone how she has to clean the floor coz shes OCD. Yeah yeah, we are all fucked up drug users, fuck me, go figure. I am more f ck d up than you. No, I am more fucked up than you. NO, I am more fucked up than all of you. We have that much worked out already.

NZFZIEND, will you share?
No, thanks.

F ck that. Sharing just gets me into trouble at the family court because I cannot trust your loud mouths to stay shut. N.A liars.

But then some young Mum has a kid in hospital and she is talking to her ex for the first time since kid was born and they are sorting some stuff out. That is a nice story. And the Mum with two kids whom has problems with her ex going overseas and not loving the kids enough… A few other things make the meeting worth going to….

And then I think of my ex who doesn’t even show up to court ordered counselling so we can work things out. We were ordered to have a book that we could write in back and forth, but she stopped it. She never talks. And then she turns around and runs off to court to stop my access as soon as she hears I am going to N fucken A. My kid is nine years old and I am still getting pushed from pillar to post by her stupid and totally bullshit fears.

She last tried to say I couldn’t go up their house as I was stalking her friend. But once she realises driving her V8 car 30km in heavy traffic takes a long time and costs some money she starts inviting me up to pick my daughter up from her place. No problem.

Nuts.

Am not in a good space.

Actually really feel like using for the first time. 

I have no energy, am usually a high energy type person that people have to keep reminding to slow down. Right now everything seems too much again. Tired, feel as though I cannot keep up with my daughter… Maybe it is the hepatitis. Maybe it is the cold weather. Maybe it is not getting proper food. Maybe it is just FUCKEN EVERYTHING.

Four weeks tomorrow though. 28 days. Not my best effort by a long shot. But worthy of keeping going.

Even if my back does prevent me from getting out of bed in under five minutes and it takes me all my effort and willpower to get shoes and socks on in the morning. My back does get better. If I try to care for it before it gets really bad, I can get away with it…..

Why should I not be able to use some pain meds as required rather than have to be on the methadrone at high dose the rest of my life?

Health system recovery model. Lacking.

Music Fixes Everything

I know – FLESH D-VICE, Bullet. Real loud. Stole a car, didn’t get far, police won’t stop me. Police won’t stop me. Real loud.

Doors locked, neighbours can’t do shit. Brilliant.

Thanks Dwayne. Will have to tell you how your song cheers me up when I pay you that $12 I owe ya….

Odd really. A real loud punk effort from 1983 about stealing cars and shooting police. Hahahahah. Happiest I’ve been all afternoon!

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