DAY 31 – Harping on

Well, thirty days down and one day into the next N.A key ring. Hope it’s black. To match my heart. Heheheheh.

Toilet paper usage chart. Green line shows average use without opiates or withdrawals. Yellow shows usage since D-Day.


(There is some interesting stuff a few paragraphs down, skip if you like)
The search engine report just told me that someone read this page by searching google for
“lactated ringer from drug withdrawal” 
HAhahahahaHAhahahahaaHAhah.
That is funny. Love your work, whomever you are.

Stomach is crap. Maybe something more seriously wrong there? Big old 100ft tape worm maybe? I did eat a lot of raw mince a few years back. And, worse, raw sausage meat. Yeahp, clever guy. Don’t know if it was due to laziness in the cooking (waiting) department or I actually prefered the taste. Remember many a time being full on raw meat before managing to cook the rest. It’s a good trick – when you’re dishing up the cooked meals it looks like everyone got the same amount, but you’ve already eaten three times as much. Hah. Sucked in. I win.

Sleep. Well. Judging by the time of the last posts edit (it made little sense) and the time right now. Considering I had an hour long bath, watched a few hours of tennis and a whole Anderson Cooper tv show… Uh…. I think that leaves 1 or 2 hours unaccounted for. Which could have been sleep or possibly just accumulated time of getting up to throw covers off or on.

That’s all good though. Have not been anywhere near any *.tam, *.pam, *.lam, drugs. Not even the ‘clones. Nothing like a drug has entered system for four days I think. So, guess I was due for a hard night being awake. You have to expect that when you’ve been having a sleeping pill (or seven) every second night for a week or two.  Cannot argue with a little withdrawal rebound on the sleep front. Sweet as. Just not a whole fortnight, thank you god. Chur bro.

Harping On

I am just going to copy something from Dan Fishers powerpoint (PDF file here)

EXPERTS BY EXPERIENCE

are persons who have identified as having a mental health [addictions] history, having recovered significantly enough to share our knowledge of what helps people to recover.

I am now going to copy something from the N.A handbooks…

Sorry – Bare with. Am trying to find it – Have ten books on top of laptop wacom tablet… Cluttered minds – Jezus, cluttered workspace, flat, house, car… My clutter extends over greater Wellington region. I am losing friends over my clutter being stored at their places for years on end.

SPONSORSHIP

… share their experience, strength and hope … recovering members share common bonds of addiction and recovery … a sponsor is not a therapist, teacher or professional advice provider … a sponsor is another person in recovery who is willing to share his journey … [through the twelve steps – groan.]

When first looking into this sort of thing (peer to peer recovery model I called it, P2PRM for those who like silly acronyms – I know you all do really) some old wise man, Gandalf I think he was, came up and said “interesting the speaker quoted A.A and N.A as being peer lead addiction services NZFiend“.

This is an interesting statement for a confused young mind such as mine. It matters.

IS N.A MODEL REALLY CONSUMER LEAD?

It kind of is. And kind of isn’t. There is not enough leeway for personal options. I do not consider a rigid structure such as N.A to be “peer lead recovery”. Peer lead recovery to me would mean the people at the bottom having some say in the way the model worked and evolved. This could be a slow, gradual process. But that misses the point. How do you tailor a recovery programme to suit an individuals requirements (we are all individuals, just to clarify) on terms that are acceptable to all involved in a sometimes long and complicated journey? Top down leadership is not the answer, even if they do pretend to listen once in a while.

N.A is definitely “peer recovery” but the actual leaders are a a higher power (fucksake, it’s god again) and the twelve bloody steps written by a californian drunkard after the depression (artistic license on that last bit…)

They say twelve simple steps. But each one comes with a manual greater than that used for re-assembling a Borg Warner T5 gearbox, and only slightly smaller than the Bible itself. In the wrong hands, both become dangerous. And if the twelve steps really were that simple, why are people still there after eleven years only doing step five?.. Just saying.

The N.A model comes from the 1935 A.A model. Along the way they have revised, edited and transcribed. Good. But there is a very rigid structure which is almost the same as the public health service model… It’s just that at the end of the day there is no paid professional in the room dealing with your issues solely. If you get to speak, or get any answers, you are doing it with peers.

A number of people are also seeing paid counsellors and psych idiots. These people tend not to come to as many meetings after a short period. They obviously get more out of the counsellors one on one sessions in the short term.

They then work out they are completely fucken nuts and come back to N.A where they fit right in.

Harping on too

So, what comes first ;

  1. Chicken
  2. Egg

How about ;

  1. Mental Health issue
  2. Addiction

This is important too. Everyone at N.A (and yes I do mean 100%, without fail, I have been keeping my ears pricked up for it from everyone – EVERYONE has said it, one way or another, over the last thirty days….) has said that they are “mental”, “crazy”, “mad”, “nutty” or just plain good old “fucked in the head”.

Let me re-iterate.

EVERYONE AT N.A. HAS SAID THEY ARE NUTTY LIKE A NUT FRUITCAKE

Everyone. The language doesn’t matter so much. The sentiment is the same every time.

“I have worked out I was a nut job…” “I am nuts and N.A keeps me sane”…

You see, by hanging around peers you can talk openly and honestly about where you’re at and how you’re thinking. You are therefore in a position which very few people outside of such programmes experience. Our common bond is a negative – NOT using drugs – but it becomes positive – FINDING why and ways of doing other things.

To hear people diagnose with PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), ADHD, OCD… The list goes on and on. Every one of us seems to be either diagnosed as some acronym worthy of a jab in the buttock by the guy with the white coat or SHOULD have been diagnosed long ago. The ones with no medical diagnosis (generally speaking) seem to be the longer term jail bait addict type (uhm, yes, me too… I admit it… Many convictions and back in court again soon – really must do that court paperwork I have been harping on about…..)

So. Mental Health comes before the addiction.

This is a little simplistic, but therefore addiction is a symptom of mental illness (from my perspective, not having read any single book stating otherwise at this point)

The DCM-V released recently has it wrong. As does the bible. But one is an advert for drug companies. The other is an advert for a corrupt bank ran out of the vatican.

The Koran and Platoism. That’s where it’s at.

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