What day is it?

Wow. I really don’t know what day it is. That’s fine. It’s all the same day really. Janis Joplin may have worked this out. “Just for Today” has new meaning when you work out “as a matter of fact, as we discovered on the train, it’s all the same day maaaannnn.”

Days do change though.

Things get better, worse, upside down. Am currently addicted to Sheen Of Gold (the song, not the movie trailer) from the Skeptics in 1990 or something. This is somewhat embarrassing as the guitar player is the guy who makes my coffee in the mornings. Telling him I am annoying the neighbours by playing his back catalogue really loud is not on my “cool things to do” list. I did ask him what the chick sampled at the end says once. She says “see how much I can take before I crack.” Spooky man.

However, now it is out in the open, I am going to do it. Nerd behaviour for the win.

My Daughter

Bloody brilliant little thing she is. She gets my empathy and a few other bits. She does not get my nose. This is great. My nose is bad enough on a guy. Uheeerr…..

My daughter saw a homeless guy in a shop doorway in town on Sunday night. Have I told you this story? We walked passed, and she asked if she should give him half her chocolate bar. This is saying something. She doesn’t give me ANY of her chocolate bar. I simply say that “do you think he needs it more than you?”.

“He may have no food Dad.”

He may have lots of food hidden away girl.

“He might have no money for food Dad.”

(I thought about telling her that DAD HAS NO MONEY FOR FOOD EITHER...)

We walked past to the bus stop. We were early for the bus, and although the bus we wanted passed by I stopped my daughter from getting on. We have time to kill.

We walked back up the street. My little girl had hidden a good third of her chocolate bar in her hoody somewhere and asked again….

“Dad, should I give this guy the chocolate bar?”

Up to you girl. Entriely 100% up to you. 

She took her hand out her pocket, and approached the guy a little tentatively. He had his head down, thin gold dreads covering his face. She turned for encouragement, I had slowed down and was watching with amusement and interest. I nodded…

“Hey there.”

(guy looks up see’s my feet and then glances at daughter)

“Hi, uhm, do you want this chocolate bar?” (holding out right at guys eye level)

(huge smile, light goes on in eyes, and a very sincere thank you)

“No problem. Hope its not cold tonight. See you.”

We walked off a couple of shop fronts up the road.

I am very proud of you girl. Well done, that was awesome.

Really Dad?

Yeahp, I’m proud of you for heaps of things, but your caring nature is fantastic. Well done.

My daughter is not thick. She probably thought I was testing her by saying she “could do whatever she thought”… She did good. That guy probably liked that chocolate more than any other guy that evening. Homeless bums may get a few coins and buy whatever it is that helps them feel okay in the world, but getting the chocolate from a nine year old girl who loves her chocolate probably gave as much happy emotion response as half a bottle of cheap wine.

Synapses firing, he looked like a 100% real live human. If only for a minute.

Mental Health is not to be underrated

People say “Mental Health” this and that and the other. At the end of the day you can be severely unwell…

(I was fleetingly recently, and it is scary what you can get up to…. As shown by my honest to god Hare PCL-R numbers (31) I am, according to Hare, a psychotic. I would define myself more as “someone prone to psychotic behaviour in presence of multiple stresses.” But to the simplistic world of psychiatry it appears there is little gray area. It is all black and white – you are, or you aren’t… This means the drug companies have something to make drugs for. Drugs = Money.)

or you can be a functioning human with some underlying issues. Turns out my ADhD tendencies are well rounded, founded and proven. The fact is I have never been diagnosed and no one has ever told me how to handle it, what to do in certain situations or even prescribed me drugs to help with controlling this.

My daughter has a far less ACESTUDY score than me, so hope she turns out a bit “better” than me. Addiction to me is caused by three things ;

  • Mental Health (pain)
  • Physical Pain
  • Just plain liking getting wasted

The just plain getting wasted ones can go take a running jump. Besides, WHY do they just like getting wasted. Borderline mental health issue right there…. Anyways…….

So, you’re taking drugs to feel good because they improve your chemistry on the old hamster wheel in your noggin.

Doesn’t matter how many people I try and convince that I was taking strong opiate doses since my mid teens for PAIN and, now I realise, MENTAL HEALTH PAIN. I crashed motorbikes, dislocated things playing football… I am good at smashing myself up. Combine that with anxiety, depression, and NEVER BEING ABLE TO FORM LONG TERM GOALS… Well, you have a drug addict just waiting to happen.

If god decided to make a drug addict he would get some ingredients ;

Adopted, No attachment to parents, risk taking behaviour evident from three years old, reasonably intelligent, socially awkward, severe crush and impact injuries…

That would make a nice start.

If god decided to make a ADhD case he would get some ingredients together too ;

Adopted, No attachment to parents, risk taking behaviour evident from three years old, reasonably intelligent, socially awkward……

I have a very hard time actually communicating this to people. It is too far out their realm of knowledge. The person who now handles my finances saw me lose it two weeks ago. I wanted to talk to her, the receptionist was pissing around and I lost it a little. Since then, the finance lady has had me in her office for about five hours total. Most people are only in there two hours a year. And my finances are simple. What is not so simple is the effort she has use to keep me on track. 

And even she says “but you’re a drug addict… Sort that and then look into the ADhD thing. Besides which, you’re not that bad, you don’t need help with that…”

This is typical of fucken everyone. I DON’T NEED HELP WITH IT?

*IF* I would have been aware of this and known a few things about the causes and the effects when younger I can guarantee you I would not have walked out of $60,000 a year jobs when I was 16 years old! In those days that was *A LOT OF MONEY*. I left to go on a benefit and use drugs. I ended up in jail multiple times, have severe impulse control issues (like smacking the cop in the nose and taking my license back and driving off when the cops stop me and take my license from me… My ex says I should have let them take the license and gone back on got the car later… But I was on a mission to score drugs before my sister died. So, fuck the police)

That’s enough for now. I could write a book on this.

I will copy Gabors book entirely and just put in my own silly comments using italic.

But what I really should do is COURT AND POLICE PAPERWORK.
The Department of Corruptions needs to hear from me.

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