I have mentioned it before, but someone in Aussie once said “you know NZFiend, I am trying to work out if you’re the most unlucky guy I have ever met.... Or the luckiest…”
I should be dead. Everyone can say that about themselves, sure. I should be dead a few times over. I should be in a wheelchair. I should have lost an arm. I should have… The list goes on. I should be this, should be the other, should be shot…
Doesn’t matter what your story about crashing, dying, come back to life… I probably have one to match, and raise you an extra 20km/h. Your call. You want to bet on that? You’re sure your hand is going to be luckier (unluckier) than mine? Good luck. Here goes nothing….
SO, I RECKON I AM F CK N LUCKY.
In an odd kind of self-depreciating way.
Just today at N.A meeting a really nice lady was talking about her family. She started crying. I think (I do not know, but I think) she is wrought with guilt. I think she blames herself using drugs throughout bringing up her kids as a reason for her children’s issues nowadays.
I am so lucky. My drug use has not been able to effect my daughters life to such an extent. I am unlucky I have not had much to do with my daughter but there is a kind of balance there. It has taken way too long and if I had better access with my daughter you could argue that my life would have been a lot more positive over the last decade. Therefore the drugs may have totally cleared from my system on one of the previous times that I gave up.
I am lucky right now to have decided to study all this sh t. I am very lucky.
And then, no matter what you say, I say you make and manage your own luck.
Nothing in life is like Lotto. Nothing is completely random. You always have a chance to take your foot out the way of the big idiot with spikes sliding towards you. You may be lucky and avoid it completely. You may be lucky and get a bruise. You may be lucky and break his nose with your elbow after he breaks your ankle.
GOD, I am bored.
My god, I am so bored. Boredom is dangerous. Another guy at N.A is bored as hell too. He has got to day 16 after doing a big relapse thing recently. I should have hung out with him a bit more. Maybe next time.
I saw one of my old drug dealing mates this morning. An old skin head guy whom I have always treated as sort of an older brother. We were always doing deals, one way or another. Thousands and thousands changed hands between the two of us. And that’s only this year. I have known him almost quarter of a century. We have seen murders together, we have used together, and now we live in separate little state sponsored concrete boxes.
They are putting him on the methadone to get him off a benzo script. Assholes. But he doesn’t mind. Free drugs. Sit around and watch tv. He seems to not care. Probably do him so good actually. He’s been using a lot of crystal meth, so a big dose of ‘drone might actually stop his meth use… The thing about being on a big benzo script and using meth at the same time… Is… Well… Words fail. Put him in the methadone handcuffs and throw away the key. Stat.
I really am bored. I was riding bike towards N.A meeting about 5km south, and saw my old mate. Ended up walking with him back into town talking shit. As you do.
He is complaining about having to walk to the pharmacy to pick up his benzo’s.
“Look mate”, says me…
“You have to do something to keep the waistline down.”
“I’ve seen the way you scoff back those cream donuts and lamingtons mate.”
Hey, fuck you. I have my extendible baton in my pocket. Come back you bastard. I am going to hit you with it next time I see you. Cheeky straight prick. Come back here….
You can tell I am bored. I honestly wouldn’t be telling you about such crap otherwise. Usually I would just expect you to take it for granted that shit like this happened. But I am bored. Boredness is a scary little beast.
Would be so easy to go get wasted.
But then N.A would be ruined to me. They would disappoint me. I want them to kick my few remaining teeth out if I get back on the gear. I know they wont, but it is a fantasy worth clinging to. I need someone to be disappointed in me.
I am already disappointed in me. So that won’t work. Has to be someone else. I hate letting others down.