Day Fourty Something…
Okay, so I gave up the methadrone. It was over fourty days ago. I can stop counting now. F ck n a I can… I should. This is silly.
But guess what? I am still counting. Was so tired last night… Was in bed at 11:30, tried reading book. Fell asleep. Woke up feeling good. Figured I had slept for quite a while and it was going to be another sleepless morning until getting up later. Got a bit extra uncomfortable a couple of time. Spent an hour trying to convince myself to go to sleep. Got up and looked at the time as thought it was odd Sons of Anarchy was on TV.
I probably had one hours sleep. And the scary thing is…. It seemed plenty. If it wasn’t for Sons of Anarchy being on and the fact the house was incredibly dark I would have got up. If I had the internet on, I would have got up. If I had anything to do from 1am until 7am I would have got up.
I swallowed a damn zopiclone and woke up at 7am instead.
New rule for me… I think maye two or three zopiclone a week, as long as never on subsequent days….. Hmmmm… I don’t know. This no sleep thing is a hard one…..
GUESS WHAT I DO EACH MORNING NOW?
I read the N.A DAILY READING.
Hahahahahahaha. Who would have thought?
Okay…. So it’s something like this….Look away now if you are in a time zone behind NZ (the whole world actually) and don’t want to ruin your morning by seeing what is on page 206 of your JUST FOR TODAY ™ hand book….
“Deep inside I had feelings of inadequacy and inferiority”
No shit. That came from childhood. Well before drugs. It is very common in the later druggy…. As usual, italics are mine –
Somewhere along the way, many of us developed strong feelings of inedquacy and inferiority. Deep inside was a voice that continually cried out “you’re worthless!” Many of us learn to recofnise this characteristic of low self esteem very early on in our recovery. Some of us may feel that [these feelings] were where all our problems began.
To fucken right mate. It’s a good starting point. Where did these feelings come from? Huh huh?
Wether we learn this low self esteem from our families (fuckme, did someone make a good point one night on the piss) or through our interactions with others (come on, that’s a cop-out – You know where you stand – it was FAMILY) in N.A we learn the tools for reclaiming ourselves. Building up our fractured self esteem sometimes begins by simply accepting a service position (what position is that then? Doggy over a block?). Or perhaps our phone begins to ring and for the first time people are just ringing to see how we are. They don’t want anything apart from to reach out and help (and promote the N.A way, drag you to meetings and weigh you down with little books abd the “N.A way.” My higher power may have to be a blank void above the groups head. It is hard to see that swallowing money and spewing books that spend more time talking about “this will happen”, “that will happen”, but actually quite low on the facts of “how this will happen”… With the phone call thing it is easy. You use the fucken phone. It works for me. Just saying.)
Now we get a sponsor. (I have not got a sponsor. I’ve had the phone ring once and had quite a few texts though. Maybe even ten texts. Day fourty something. Tat’s one text every four days. They are not trying hard enough. They need to up their game, obviously…) Someone who teaches us that we are worthwhile and believes in us until we can believe in ourselves. Our sponsor guides us through the Twelve Steps ™ where we learn who we really are, not whom we have built ourselves up or down to be. (Going up and down and saying Twelve Steps so much even means you don’t have to do stairwalking at the gym this week…)
Low self esteem doesn’t go away over night. Sometimes it takes years for us to get in touch with ourselves. But with the help of other members of N.A who share the same feelings, and by working the Twelve Steps ™ , we blossom into individuals whom others and, most importantly, we ourselves respect. (Hey, I actually think my self esteem can improve a lot without the Twelve Freakin steps being hold holy accountable… There are actually really good things to do outside of N.A.)
Just for Today: I will remember that I am deserving of my higher powers love. I know that I am a worthy human being.
(fucken hell. Positive affirmation 101 for dummies)
And, there in lies a problem. They want you to do it their way.
AND, OH MY GOD, I AM SO FUCKED OFF WITH HEARING PEPLE ASKED TO SHARE AND THEY OPEN WITH
“JIM, ADDICT… hey jim… IT IS SO GOOD TO BE IN A MEETING TODAY. THIS IS A REALLY NICE MEETING. I HAVE LIKED THE SHARING…………………………. ………………………. blah blah blah, my dog has rabbies, my cat got run over I think my higher power is saying I should get a small bird…. ……………………….. IF IT WASN’ FOR N.A I WOULD GO COMPLETELY MAD.. THESE ROOMS HAVE SAVED ME…. THE FELLOWSHIP WORKS… I KNOW I HAD MY UPS AND DOWNS BUT I KEPT COMING BACK AND I WOULD NOT HAVE MY LIFE TODAY WITHOUT N.A… I LOVE NA. NA LOVES ME. IT IS SO GOOD TO HAVE A MEETING TONIGHT” fervant diatribe end.
Anyway, people can say what they like. But you can tell the newcomers that are going to fit in and do the steps and turn into winners just like those who have been in the rooms ten years and are still clean. They are the ones that get asked to share and never say no but always start with “It is good to be in a meeting.…” or end with “…. this meeting is really good”…
Guess who has never said that?
FAMILY COURT PAPERWORK
Could have done some of this. But hey, f ck that. My stomach feels like it has an ulcer the size of a small arabian state with it’s oil wells in full production. Head stress and going over and over stupid little details that matter not about my daughters development, but about the head space of her nuerotic mother… Well. It’s not healthy. Pretty much, especially not before bed. Especially not in the dead of nigh with nothing else going on to prevent me from thinking too hard.
Have a sneaky suspicion this is why my first effort hit fifty pages (and counting) when I pulled the pin on it. It is all the truth. It is all relevant. It is all detailed as to what happened here or here. But it is also a million pages too long. Which is a shame. If the judge could read it I wouldn’t even have to appear in court that day. He could just look at it and go “you are the man, here’s your kid back.” Or he could say “you are a twisted mutherfucker, please pass by the electric chair before leaving the court this afternoon….”
Latest version is up to nine pages. But that includes the title pages.
I have not seen a metal detector at the entrance to the family court yet.
I think they will bring one when I am next there.
SCARY BUT FUN.
It’s scary but fun, did you forget what it’s like to be on?
The music pumping from their neighbours, they sit in silence, hear them cry.
Scary, crazy…. I’m having so much fun….
Scary but fun, take a chance a chance on life, you only have one.
Scary but fun, don’t forget what it’s like to have fun……
She’s just a little scary, but so much fun….
Pan pipes……….. Fade out…..