Day fifty seven or eight. POSITIVITY

Positivity has been eluding. The good lady positivity has been hiding behind the bike sheds. Probably playing doctors and nurses with serenity. Bitches.

And, here goes four thousand five hundred words. Some of it is worth reading…… Go grab a coffee. It took me over an hour to write this… It will take you three minutes to read.

Have not shared at a N.A meeting in almost a week. Got asked to share yesterday and said “no” (a little forcefully perhaps) “thanks for asking though” (added quickly in a better tone…) I am serious. It was good to be asked. No one has asked me to share in a week since I last did. They seem to have this little clique. Each group or meeting has a “leader” and he or she selects people for the first half or two thirds of the meeting to share. They always seem to share on rotation. Without fail it is the people who say “it is good to be in a meeting” and spend more time praising N.A for the programme than actually is necessarily considered open and honest dialogue. It honestly starts to resemble cult like propaganda. Really a bit much, especially for new comers. They look around and go “fuck me, these idiots are years clean and I don’t know what the hell they are talking about, there is no practical solution here. They are in fairy land.” At least some individuals are f’ing great outside of meetings….

Then there is the kind of pretty lawyer chick who always shows up late, always has too much perfume on that makes me want to sneeze (in her direction) and then is always the first to butt in with her self centred crap at the VERY first opportunity. Sometimes she even leaves after she has bored me to tears with her crap. Like, at least have the respect to show up on time and sit and listen to other people if you’re going to hog the floor as much as you do. Fucken rude. The “leader” said “I now open the floor for people to share…..” But before the leader even finished the sentence this young lawyer chick has basically shouted “Hi I’m A and I’m an addict”… I groan, stand up and go to the kitchen to play with facebook on my cellphone.

She gets a few laughs just by swearing. Isn’t it stupid how when a rough guy swears everyone thinks he is a dick head, but when a pretty self centred lawyer who smells like the inside of a chemical factory swears everyone thinks she is cool and down with the peeps? Whatever.

I am going around the back of the bike shed with my camera to see if positivity is going down on serenity yet.



No posts lately Fiend, what the hell you been doing?

Well, since you asked. I think I’ve broken a bone in my foot. But probably not. It’s a dull ache, but then when I step on it a certain way it sends my mellon a pain signal. A hamster wheel spinning pain signal. In a way it is good. As you can only feel one source of major stabbing pain at a time this gives me short breaks from my back pain. I sit there tapping my sore foot on the floor and feel like a million dollars.

How do I think I pulled a muscle / broke a ligament / bent a bone in my foot you ask?

Oh, okay, you don’t ask. I am wanting to share. I will probably share at a N.A meeting tonight. Will see whom is present. And then interrupt, young lawyer bitch style. Maybe.

“Hi, I am NZFiend, I am an addict….. [hi nzfiend]… Hi, and thank you for coming today. It is good to be in a meeting [hahahah].”
Once I stop laughing…
“I have been to a lot of meetings lately. I have not shared in ages. I have looked after peoples children for them so they can share and participate instead. I have helped out with this or that. I have not shared anything. Which is kind of good and kind of bad.

“Yesterday was interesting. Was trying to get cellphone to connect to someone for a lift in the afternoon. About three PM. Cellphone provider was down or something, so could not get through at all. Pushed bike home, as have not fixed pedal after leaving it somewhere all weekend. Got some shopping on the handle bar, unlock door, walk down hall, throw keys onto the table or chair and hear a loud crash. Walk back down the hall and see my neighbour Andy, the guy who threatens people with baseball bats all the time. 

“Oi, what the fuck are you doing pushing my bike over and spilling my shopping all over the stairwell?”

“It’s not my fault your uncle fucked you in the ass” says Andy Reid of Rolleston St, Mount Cook, Wellington 6021, New Zealand.

“You fucken what Andy? ? Pardon me.”

“It’s not my fault your uncle fucked you in the ass” says Andy Reid of Rolleston St, Mount Cook, Wellington 6021, New Zealand.

“Uhm, dude? Where is your baseball bat Andy? Going to threaten the little old lady upstairs again, or go fetch it right now. Come on, bring your bat Andy.”

“I don’t have the bat, the police took it off me last time” says Andy Reid of Rolleston St, Mount Cook, Wellington 6021, New Zealand.

“You fuckwit. You get what you deserve for smashing holes in a seventy year old ladies door with it. If it was me I would have just knocked your teeth out.”

I pushed my bike down the hall towards the spare room and the door swung closed. Andy Reid of Rolleston St, Mount Cook, Wellington 6021, New Zealand then pushes the door open and makes to follow me into my house…

“It’s not my fault your uncle fucked you in the ass” yells Andy Reid of Rolleston St, Mount Cook, Wellington 6021, New Zealand.

“You are a fucken peadophile” I say as I turn and go to push him out the door. He swings at me, in my own corridor, and hits my chin. I say “try that again outside where we can fight Andy and push him towards the exit. 

“It’s not my fault your uncle fucked you in the ass” yells Andy Reid of Rolleston St, Mount Cook, Wellington 6021, New Zealand.

“Come on Andy, where’s your baseball bat, go get it or shut the fuck up” yells me.

The 60 year old lady from upstairs comes down the stairs and grabs my right arm and chest (she is on the second step up, I am in the bottom of stairwell). She says “Don’t hit him NZFiend, you’ll kill him.” and hangs onto my right arm and shoulder (I have her nail marks in my elbow to prove it, evil old lady! Hahahahaha…)

Andy then decides he doesn’t need the baseball bat after all since I have a sixty year old woman holding me back, and clocks me on the jaw again.

“Hey, little old lady. You see that? He hit me again. I am going to smack him around a bit now…”

“No NZFiend, don’t” she yells and I cannot help but let her hold my arm as Andy fucken Reid  of Rolleston St, Mount Cook, Wellington 6021, New Zealand comes in for another free punch. I have not hit him, kicked him, or anythinged him at this point. But this is going to change shortly.

WHUMP. Andy fucken Reid  of Rolleston St, Mount Cook, Wellington 6021, New Zealand whom was coming forward with intent fists raised only half a second ago is now on the other side of the stairwell doubled over. I think the sole of my foot may have connected with his solar plexus. Well, if he wasn’t so fat and wearing multiple layers of padded jacket and jersey that is what would have happened. As it was the sole of my foot kind of connected with a soft pillow like marshmallow that may or may not have been sensitive to such activity.

“Hey, you – Andy fucken Reid  of Rolleston St, Mount Cook, Wellington 6021, New Zealand, do you mind fucking off and finding a baseball bat, you will need it pussy”

“Fuck fuck fuck fuck” says Andy fucken Reid  of Rolleston St, Mount Cook, Wellington 6021, New Zealand, “I am going to kill you”

“Oh right. Did you hear that, little old lady. Do you mind letting go of me so I defend myself properly here?”

Andy fucken Reid  of Rolleston St, Mount Cook, Wellington 6021, New Zealand comes back with another intent approach… I think he collects my foot again and ends up with his head about where my stomach is. I now have a thirty year old Maori boy holding me back and the old lady is still clinging valiantly to my right arm. But I am being attacked here!

My left arm is pinned against the wall as I am being pushed into it by all these people who are arriving, but somehow Andy fucken Reid  of Rolleston St, Mount Cook, Wellington 6021, New Zealand gets a sore face. Somehow I get a satisfied feeling that my sore knee is sore for a good reason. I am looking down at the back of Andy Reids of Rolleston St, Mount Cook, Wellington 6021, New Zealand head. I am thinking how cool it would be do drop my elbow onto the back of his head and splatter his nose onto the concrete and then all these people holding me would be trampling on his lard ass.

But that doesn’t happen, I am too pinned. By all these people. I managed to get my left arm under him and give a small pathetic little uppercut. Andy Reid  of Rolleston St, Mount Cook, Wellington 6021, New Zealand then goes back to the opposite side of the stairwell. Another guy comes down. A guy with tattoo’s all over his torso and not an ounce of fat on him.

I think this is a good thing. Andy Reid  of Rolleston St, Mount Cook, Wellington 6021, New Zealand comes back for another attack and I somehow shrug off these people, get my left arm into his sternum, then around his throat, and lift him off the ground. My right arm goes back to knock some teeth out… But instead of my arm coming forward again I feel like my shoulder is dislocated. The tattoo torso guy has locked my arm there. Bugger it. I was going to enjoy that punch. First punch I have thrown in years, and I have not even got to throw it! FUCK, IT IS JUST NOT FAIR sometimes.

The younger Maori guy who was holding me then goes and tackles Andy fucken Reid  of Rolleston St, Mount Cook, Wellington 6021, New Zealand. Andy fucken Reid  of Rolleston St, Mount Cook, Wellington 6021, New Zealand has a look on his face half way between terror and anger.

“Where is your bat Andy? Go and get your bat” I say.

“Grrzzzzishshhhsshhhhhh” says Andy fucken Reid  of Rolleston St, Mount Cook, Wellington 6021, New Zealand. I have a sneaky suspicion that the amount of air getting through his throat was not quite enough to form words. Or maybe his voice box was a little constricted. The way his face was going red and purple it may have just been an over anger issue. He obviously was not thinking straight.

The Maori boy, being an intelligent doctor sort of guy held Andy fucken Reid  of Rolleston St, Mount Cook, Wellington 6021, New Zealand against the wall, whilst my backpack slowly dragged me backwards and down the stairs. Some of Andy fucken Reids  of Rolleston St, Mount Cook, Wellington 6021, New Zealand throat should by rights have come with me. My backpack now consisted of the tattoo torso guy, the feisty as all hell old lady and some random black kid who obviously liked to be in on some gossip. Between them they weighed a lot.

Like a plug being pulled out a stereo my hand came off throat. Colour returned to the noggin area of Andy fucken Reid  of Rolleston St, Mount Cook, Wellington 6021, New Zealand. He then walked outside and rang the police screaming his was being assaulted. I walked upstairs and asked to use a phone as my cellphones aren’t working.

I hear a very loud shout from downstairs.

“OI – NZFIEND, come out NOW.”

“Who is that? I shout back”


The bloody police are here and they are jumping around all over the place with tazers out and pointing things with black barrels randomly at windows. They don’t know where I am. I consider fucking them about for a while. The stairwells echo a lot. I could be on any floor, in any apartment and they would have to kick in the doors of all of them. Hahahaha. But this thought isn’t positive.




I yell back, “yeah okay. I am upstairs one level. Am coming down now.” 

I walk around the top of stairwell real slowly and am surprised to see a cop on one knee with a weapon pointed at my door and another behind him. I say “hey guys, up here.”

They spin around with a look of “oh shit, he could have jumped us” on their faces and run off.

“KEEP WALKING DOWN STAIRS” the Police shout, all kind of panicky and distraught. They must be having a bad day or something too.

Yeah, I am. Keep your hair on….”

I walk around corner, see Andy fucken Reid  of Rolleston St, Mount Cook, Wellington 6021, New Zealand and call him a few choice names as he is smirking behind a line of keystone cops jumping around like they have itching powder in their G-strings. One screams “ON YOUR KNEES, LIE DOWN, FACE DOWN”. I take a quick look around. Five or six highly agitated orifficers, with multi coloured weapons pointed at me. I am in the bottom of a stairwell. Andy fucken Reid  of Rolleston St, Mount Cook, Wellington 6021, New Zealand is behind the oriffecers smirking.

Hmmmm. Nope. Not going to be able to hit the prick now either. Damn. And now I am going to get my face mashed into the concrete, have an orifficer smash my sore back with his knee, another one come along and put his boot on my head and another twist my leg around. Oh well done Andy fucken Reid  of Rolleston St, Mount Cook, Wellington 6021, New Zealand. You are the man.

So, that is what happens. Not rocket science. Easy prediction that one. You wouldn’t find a bookie on this planet to take bets on anything otherwise. At least by laying down slowly, putting my cellphone and other things delicate on the ground in front of me as I did so, I managed to not let the police break my phones or delicate equipment I had on my person. That is something that has happened in the past. You learn these things.

So, I get cuffed.

“Excuse me, but the cuffs are actually making my wrists bleed on the stairs here, and do you mind taking your foot off my head?” 

I get a policemans knees in the small of my back (as I knew I would, this appears to be standard NZ police procedure. Once you are cuffed and have a police boot on your head, a policeman of rather large circumference lands on the small of your back with his knees. It is in their handbook).

Ommmph, I say, old chap. Can you please not do that to my back. My back is very bad, I was almost paralised. If you do that any more you could actually paralise me. You will have to fill out a lot of paperwork”

The mention of paperwork seemed to work. Or maybe it was me moving my arm behind my back and finding a foot to pull him into a different position. Either way, he did not put the wieght back on. But something in my foot went “OUCH”. There was another cop with a foot fetish playing with my damn feet too.

So, anyway, back at the station I see they have me down as “long history of violence towards officers” which may explain their over zealous dealings with me. “I take issue with that” I say.

“Well, uhm….” says cop.

“Hang on…” I think for a minute whilst cop writes crap into notebook… “Oh, I have never really been violent towards officers. Not if you didn’t deserve it first. Oh… Yeah. One time I did fuck over a few of you guys actually. Now I remember. I didn’t get charged with anything, coz you guys deserved it. I didn’t even hit them. But their heads did hit the road awfully hard. The next week I saw one of them and his hat was on his head crooked as his noggin was so swollen. Hahahahahah. Yeah, I guess you can leave that on my file then. Okay.”

The cop (who is about my size) stops writing, looks up. Coughs quietly and leaves the room. Probably needs to go have a joint or something.

A big cop arrives, stands in doorway. My size cop arrives, and sits down again. Hahahahahahaha.

“Okay, NZFiend, what happened?”

“Well, fuckface Andy fucken Reid  of Rolleston St, Mount Cook, Wellington 6021, New Zealand causes shit with everyone. He has had his car tyres slashed, his windows broken, his car stolen… He has had complaints about him and his baseball bat four times. He went upstairs and threatened the old ladies with it, you guys were called then too. You guys took the bat off him, best thing you ever did for the peacefulness around those flats. So, there are four or five incidents you have on file since I have moved in, all of them involve him and him threatening people. 

“The old Samoan guy downstairs with me and Andy fucken Reid  of Rolleston St, Mount Cook, Wellington 6021, New Zealand, is seventy. He has to go to dialysis every second day. And this old Samoan guy just spent six months on an ankle bracelet for knocking Andy fucken Reid  of Rolleston St, Mount Cook, Wellington 6021, New Zealand out. 

“It is not on. He should not be able to carry on like that. And then he causes all this shit, but it is everyone elses fault. Not his. Like I have issues with him, he threatened me with a baseball bat in front of my daughter and that was the first time my daughter ever saw me angry with someone. Since then that has caused issues. She was eight at the time. He has threatened people all over, including the lady who lives above him and the girl who moved out above me. You can see the dents in their doors where he hit the doors with his bat… 

“And yet, here I am. You guys come ready to tazer me, shoot me and fuck me up by standing on my head with your boots. All because Andy fucken Reid  of Rolleston St, Mount Cook, Wellington 6021, New Zealand picks a fight, threatens me, punches me twice, and then I kick him. It’s not really on officer. Really. What the fuck are you thinking?”

“Sorry NZFiend. He rang up screaming he was being attacked with a knife and that you were smashing windows to threaten him with glass.”

“Fucken what? There are no smashed windows. I have no knife. He came at me in my own house. If there is one smashed window in that whole block, then okay. Charge me with intentional damage and send me home, but this is fucken stupid.”

“Yeah. Sorry. Hey mate…”


“We have to fill in this paperwork for your release since you were arrested and in custody for an hour… Usually we’d do it in the cells, but… Anyway… I have to ask you some questions… “

“No, I am not suicidal, no I am not taking any medication, no no no no no no no.”

“You could at least listen to the questions first…

Are you suicidal?”


“Are you taking any medication?”

“Oh, for fucksake, no no no no no, just tick all the no’s. No one ever looks at that bit of paper anyway right? Tick all the yes ones for a change and see…”

“Uhm, not likely mate. If I ticked all the yes ones I legally cannot let you out.”

I think about this. This would mean a trip to the mental health community assessment team. This could be FREE COUNSELLING AND FREE PSYCHOTHERAPY. Hmmmmmmm…. But it is Sunday evening. The wait will be long. The fact of the matter is I have not been charged with anything, so I am not going to be in custody. The only option is to play up and get sectioned. The quick dream of free counselling and psychotherapy fades.

“No no no no no” says I.

“Good man” says the Policeman.

“Hang about” says the Policeman.

“For fucksake mate, NO” says I.

“No, seriously. We have something on file here. I want to ask you this question properly. Not all the others, they can be flying fucken pink elephants for all I care. I will ask you this one again.

“Have you had any serious adverse lifehood events recently?”

“Uhm. Okay, You got me. Got addicted to drugs, sister died. Cops were wankers. Lawyers assholes. Feel like smashing police cars all the time. You mean that sort of thing?”

“Yeah, maybe we will leave out the smashing police cars. Uhm. Okay, so maybe if you had explained all that to the officer with your license you wouldn’t be in the shit?”

“Dude, I did explain it. He wouldn’t listen. The cream of the crop rises mate. He hasn’t had a rise in a long time.”

“Yeah, but…”

“Nah, I know I can be labelled abusive as I swear sometimes. I know I get into trouble for retaliating. Like if someone tells me my uncle fucked me in the bum and then hits me twice for instance. I admit that I have had fights with police. Sometimes I have even managed to hurt some of you more than you’ve hurt me. But then again, one time I saved a police guys life, even though the other police guys were kicking me. At the end of the day a little fisticuffs now and then is good for the male spirit. Why do you think we like rugby or contact sport? It is only due to women running the school system that all us guys are being ruined. We need some competition and rough housing. Bring Andy fucken Reid  of Rolleston St, Mount Cook, Wellington 6021, New Zealand in here and you can be referee for a while….

“Sorry mate, would love to, but it’s not what we do”

“Is the police commissioner a female now too? hahahaha”

“Hahahahaha – Anyway, NZFiend, look here mate. You got to stop reacting to these things. You closed the door, and walk off. You don’t open the door and start up again.”

“Not even if a guy is outside who has threatened you with a bat and is saying stuff about your uncle that is not very nice?”

“Uhm, yeah. Particularly then. Most people would not go outside and try and take on a guy with a bat anyway.”

“True. I see that.”

“Just take time to think of your daughter. And are you sure you have no psychiatric history?”

“Well, that is probably going to change soon. But at present, NO. None.

“And yet, looking at your record, you have ninety odd convictions for a huge range of shit. OH  crap…”

“Crap? What?”

“We ticked NO for ‘have you been arrested before'”.


Positivity you see. It’s good. This cop, who happens to be a red head (ginga) the same build and size as me, he even had the same amount of facial stubble. He’s probably about five years younger. But he is going places in the force. I can tell. He was not “commanding” the scene at the time, but due to the fact they were told weapons and the place is a well known gang hang out, there was a very senior police guy as scene commander. Still, this young guy has to be applauded. He did take some direction from me. Whilst frog marching me to the car I managed to calm him down a little as I was cooperative and took pains to remind him of that. He released the cuffs and let me have my hands in front of me. He eventually had some good words to share. He laughed at the right things, pretended scorn at others.

All in all, he is the first cop I have met in a long while whom is intelligent and empathetic enough to do his job well.

A shame.

He will move up the ranks and the poor idiots on the end of people like Andy fucken Reid  of Rolleston St, Mount Cook, Wellington 6021, New Zealand will never see him again.

Unfortunately, they will be left with morons like the cop who would not let me drop my license off later after my sister died.

The cops with no intelligence or social conscience. 


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