Levels of deprivation – I know everyone reads everything I write and stores it into easily reached memory, so there is no need for an explanation of how I believe in attachment as being the major contributing factor to the way we turn out.
The way we formed relationships with our primary care givers in the first two years of life – if not the last month or two before birth… Don’t under estimate that… I am damn sure my daughter showed some attachment to my voice and taping rhythms – I talked softly to her Mummies tummy and tapped out simple sequences, like ONE and a TWO and a THREE and a four and a ONE and a TWO and a THREE and a four… And spent a lot of time counting to five…. When she was in neonatal ward for a month after birth doing a detox I would spend some precious hours holding her distraught little self and counting 1,2,3,4,5 touching each of her fingers. This actually gave her some relief… Or so I saw with my own two unquantifiable eyes…
So, coming off methadone is no fun. Doesn’t matter if it is coming of 7mg’s or 70. Although I would suggest coming off 7 is preferable. At the end of the day I would suggest having some sort of proper out patient detox programme in place. Pity Sam McBride at Wellington Addiction Dis Services sent me home and refused all help. WHY? God only knows. God lives in Sams shoes when Sam isn’t using them I presume.
The levels of deprivation.
Coming off a big dose of methadone cold turkey is not fun. But who am I to judge the people who go along to N.A daily for years and years because they smoked cannabis for a year? That is their problem. They probably have just as difficult time working out why I am who I am.
Let me help you there.
I am who I am because of various factors of being bought up adopted. I turned out to be an odd mix of left and right handed. My daughter shows some of these traits too, so you cannot discount genetics entirely. Genetics provides the playing field. Environment, mainly parental styles, define the game that is played on the field.
Whilst it is hard to have two quality teams play on a dry river bed, it is possible to have an entertaining game. Opposite to that, you could have two rubbish teams, say Wellington Norths vs Bro
oklyn Northern United, play at Wembley on a totally glass surface and they’d still be rubbish.
So, again – Whom am I to judge the levels of depravity people have suffered in order to become addicts, isolators, authority haters?
Until a few years ago I would tell everyone my childhood was fine.
But then, looking back, not every kid got his arm dislocated and smashed heads on the ground like basketballs as punishment. Not every kid chased his girlfriend with a brick at age 9. Not many kids actually had a girlfriend for three years at age 9 come to think of it. Not every kid started smoking cigarettes at 6 or 7. Not every kid had to sneak out of his room and hide quietly downstairs as he was afraid of being hit and abused every morning. It goes on and on.
You see, I thought a bad upbringing was being sent away to a home. Or having no shoes. It is amazing how many people think they had a nice loving home but then, once broken down, admit to abuse (or at least grave errors on parts of caregivers) in the very place they remember with idealistic warmth.
Some people have been sent off to boarding schools and been beaten and sexually abused by priests. Just how someone claiming to do the work of god can do this kind of thing is totally beyond me. And is something I do not wish to explore. Doesn’t mean I cannot feel empathy for the adult whom suffers post traumatic stress disorder from these events. And, by the way, he has been an addict for twenty years and in labelled in the health system as being a “drug addict” and everything that goes with that.
Then the girl who was abused by her own father. Fuck sake. The world is not a pretty place for these people. That much is obvious. SOMETHING will go wrong here. And it does…
But, at the end of the day, most in society (in particular medicinal professionals) do not recognise the value of bringing up children properly. Those who sucede probably do so DESPITE their upbringing, not because of it.
We all have some pain and emotional problems.
Through sharing with peers and those on similar wavelengths we identify and process this hurt. Mainly through hearing about others in the same boat.
But after how many years does that become drudgery and, in itself, depressing.
Escape can be a good thing.
Like a well to do lawyer going on an overseas holiday. She should not take the IPAD and email with her.
Leave the abuse at home and go do something else for a few years. It has defined you and your behaviours, but give yourself a break.