Depression. It leads to smack.

No happy go lucky posts from me about finding spiritual enlightenment or anything else remotely resembling positive.

About the most positive I have been lately is to spend thirty seconds looking a some new age hippy website before burping loudly three or four times, farting twice and hitting the X button.

My back has been sore. Real sore. Had a good day Thursday last week, but since then have spent two or three days in the house without doing anything of note. This is not healthy. It leads to a state of depression and that leads to drug use.

And really, why bother?..

Since giving up drugs again I cannot see my child, have been arrested a few times, can’t work on any building type jobs and have been chewing through money without making any. It is 2pm in the afternoon and I am going back to bed. I missed the deadline for entering proposals for doing some design work. Did not even try actually. The paperwork with the proposal wanted time frames for research and estimated money requirements. It was all getting too complicated.

Honesty. Why bother?..

I am probably better with the damn drugs. But then, it has been 94 days or some such. That’s quarter of a year. Maybe things will get better. Sure they will.

That doesn’t stop me spending all day by myself and allowing thoughts to lead into very murky waters late each night…

Disassociation, or Dislocation [from society]

Figured that an issue with drug use was being disassociated from community, friends, family. Then found that it is also a cause. Of course it is. It is not rocket science.

Trouble is that for years and years your only friends have been druggy friends. And then… Well… Who knows? N.A? Are they my new social group? Damn. Something needs to change. And quickly.

There is always the car crowd. If I make some money I can hang out with other car people now and then. 

This picture shows the input shaft I just picked up. A guy whom buys the odd part from me contacted me out the blue to see if my car was running and if I needed a lift. Well, actually – he was looking at a car website and saw the latest information about my car there and texted me about 11pm last night offering me a lift. Awesome. Thanks to him, I got out the house and picked up this part I had spent weeks running around after. It is a gearbox input shaft. It has been changed from the V8 small block Ford engine to suit my four litre inline six. It has been shortened 14mm, thinned at the end and a hardened steel bearing surface pressed onto the shaft as there was no more hardened steel left after removing the old splines.

Long story short – It is raining. I cannot start putting car back together in the rain.

It would do me good.

Keep my brain on one thing and stop it from thinking about my daughter, the police, the family court and drugs. 

Sure, it’s not Buddha certified, Jesus approved or even part of a twelve step programme.

It is pure ZEN AND THE ART OF TWENTY YEAR OLD FORD MAINTENANCE. 

Now, that would be a book.

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TELL ME TO HARDEN UP
or tell me whatever you want here… Privately… You don’t even have to tell me your name

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http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/how-i-knew-i-was-depressed/

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