Morning. Day 105.

I love the way N.A.zi victims shoot their mouths off in such circumstances as me saying “I don’t see what is wrong with me having a pain killer so I can go do something for the day.

They reply with “you just don’t get it” or “maybe you aren’t ready yet” or other stock A.A / N.A phraseology straight from the Bill W big book of bullshit.

The problem with all this is quite bloody simple.

A.A (and therefore all the other A’s) come from a religious sect movement originally. Look it up – Buchmanists.

Bill W was a stock broker. A share market capitalist scum of the highest order actually. He had a tough child hood. Wealthy enough family, but the town went into recession and Dad moved away to Canada. Mum left him with grand parents and went to medical school. Bill W’s best mate was ten years older than him. His girlfriend died and he started getting depression (and probably a host of other things that went unnoticed in the times of his conversion.)

One day he had a flash of light and a profound awakening.

This, of course, had nothing to do with him surviving in a free market, capitalist world, by ripping off his wife and spending it all on drink. Sure enough, the share market crash and depression that followed meant Bill W’s games of golf were somewhat curtailed due to lack of finances. If he was around in 1986 or 2009 he would have been selling the BMW, jumping out the windows or going into bankruptcy too. But instead… Well, he decided the demon drink was the problem.

He then decided that the drink was the ONLY problem.

Twelve Step Addicts to this day are rarely encouraged to look at their childhood issues as a cause – addiction is a disease remember people – or pain and suffering as the problem. The fact of the matter is a lot of the twelve steps rip apart your character, enforce the idea that everything is your own fault. They still try to tell you it is a moral deficit (not in so many words, but read the steps… you will see it there if you think about it…) It is crazy really. The twelve steps could work on anyone, in every day life. You do not need to be addicted to anything to do the steps really. You just need to be able to blame something loosely labelled as a disease. Blame that for everything (so you don’t actually have to use the words “moral deficiency” in your first months of membership) and then work out what a higher power is for yourself. Remember your higher power does not have to be god (this is a “non religious, spiritual based programme”) but do try and forget the programme was created by Christian zealots during a time when their free market was not doing so well and their main addictions, other than god, were becoming hard to keep alive in the market and society they themselves created.

Bill W’s home town was quite easy to abstain from piss in. He would go back there and “straighten out” on occasion (probably chain smoking, having sex with everything that moves and spending massive amounts of others money on stuff he didn’t really need in the process).

Those days in America were very much different from Bud and beer adverts all through the media. Those days were a bit more fundamentalist and still had a strong prohibition political leaning.

He managed to conveniently overlook the fact that he would die a painful death from smoking his whole life, he remained addicted to many things, deviant sexual issues, including screwing around on his wife for ever, a problem openly acknowledged by his friends, family and wife. All in all, if I met Bill W today, I would consider him a know all wanker who did not do what he preached. How can you be this all encompassing clever and enlightened individual who treats others in such ways?

Basically it comes down to this…

BILL W and others who helped turn A.A into the programme and fellowship it is today were [are] STAUNCHLY SUPPORTIVE OF THE CAPITALIST MODEL and were definitely STAUNCH BELIEVERS IN GOD, as *they* knew him as fundamentalist Christians.

We only have to look at some of the first people who set it up and shaped the twelve traditions… Rockefeller, Firestone and many other families from Wall St.

Maybe the tradition that reads “the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using” should state “the only requirement for membership is to stop using in such a manner that damages your ability to spend, consume and fully participate in the free market economy.”

BILL W was a complete asshole, other than he gave up the drink. I would not like him one bit if I was to bump into him in the street. And neither would you.

But, I have to hand it to him and others. They wrote a bloody clever script or two. They manage to offend no religion, no belief and almost no one. They have managed to make a religious programme into one that agnostics can happily ascribe to. Really, their work has to be admired.

It is just a shame there is nothing else readily available for the general addicted population in Wellington, New Zealand.

I have been in an awkward spot lately. Really, my whole life.

On the one hand I have quite bad chronic pain conditions and, arguably, ADhD. These issues go largely undiagnosed and un medicated or untreated. I get numbness in my legs when I sit, stand or walk. I get stressed, short and angry with being in pain. I get stressed, short and frustrated with not being able to do things freely. I cannot organise myself properly. I forget things. It takes me three months to tidy my flat. I still not have done the court and police paperwork from May.  I live in a small concrete box by myself. I isolate as it takes too much energy, effort and pain to go somewhere and then interact with others.

All in all, I am an addiction problem waiting to happen.

But wait. Hang on. According to N.A I can use all the drugs I want as long as they are professionally prescribed to me.

The issue there is that “they” wanted me on a daily regime of drugs I don’t need. Therefore I can be overly medicated and controlled and not need N.A (but fit into the “N.A WAY”-tm) or I can have a couple of pain killers now and then and have to count that as a “relapse” as I did not go and get the doctors massive amounts of drugs that you have to buy to make economic sense.

What makes economic sense for me is being able to go purchase $5 or $10 worth of morphine and have it so I can work on my car for a day.

I think Bill W may just agree with me there. Or, if he didn’t, Rockefeller and Firestone sure might.

Go use some drugs so you can participate in the capitalist free market world and socialise.

Here are some examples for you to try on your next stroll through town….

“Hey, NZFiend, good to meet you. What do you do?”

Oh, nothing really. I sit and do nothing and have to lay down a few hours every afternoon.

“Oh. Right, see you later….”

Another…

“Hey NZ Fiend, how are you?”

Kind of bored, sore and lonely

“.,…..” sound of running high heels

And, now, the free market version…

“Hey NZFiend, old chap, good to meet you. What do you do?”

I trade futures.

Really, how interesting. I bet you make some money. Do you own a BMW? Would you like to have children now?”

Or…

“Hey NZFiend, how are you?”

I just bought a new BMW.

Really, how interesting. I bet you make some money. Do you own a BMW? Would you like to have children now?”

And now it is a beautiful sunny day outside. I am sick of having no real varied nutrients in my diet so am going to walk to the produce markets in Newtown and buy stuff to make juices and the like. I will stop for a coffee and talk some shit with some old junkies. I will go and annoy my ex partner for a while. She will yell at me and give me earache. Then I will come home and plant some tomato seedlings in my little patch of dirt that the government housing agency said I should not convert to a garden. I will then go out and water them every day. This will add something to the routine of life for a boring ex junky in a modern city.

Day 105. May as well be day 60. Or day 666. It’s all the same boring shit really.

Now, where the hell did I leave my socks?

The twelve steps of N.A in PDF formThe twelve traditions of N.A in PDF form

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