The most interesting blog in the world is far removed from here. You should go find it. Get back to me.
I will enter it into a chain letter blog award.
It will then fade into obscurity. Just like my relationship with my daughter.
I managed not to do anything too stupid yesterday or today. Did not leave the house last night. Made sure to take shoes off as it was raining and therefore I could not leave the house. If I did, something bad was going to happen. I know this. I could feel it.
Today was kind of okay. Apart from sitting in library and kept thinking I saw my daughter running around. And then every balding old shit head in the place was David Gilmour as I walked out. Managed not to maim any of them as I walked back to spiritual advisor HQ to collect my car. She had fed me an egg on toast earlier in the day and a couple of rice crackers for dinner.
I missed the rugby game I wanted to watch, so went to N.A.zi meeting in Newtown. Got there a bit late. Made a black coffee with four teaspoons of coffee and drunk that happily sitting behind some people and not sharing. Towards the end a young guy pipes up with “Hi, I am, so and so, and I am twelve days clean.,..” Another guy talks about knowing he was an addict because he found himself turning his place upside down looking for a shitty little amount of drugs. Thought about sharing about the times I told people I had left bags of crystal or pills somewhere and couldn’t find them… They would then spend hours looking for them and tidy my flat for me. I would then “find” a small bag and share some. Although, a couple of stupid girls tidied my flat looking for drugs and left finding nothing. They tidied my flat for free. They didn’t ring me much any more.
So, today, I didn’t have to say “My name is, I am an addict” for the tenth day in a row. I got to most of the N.A meeting, but said nothing at all whilst there.
Saw another guy after whom I saw the last time I had my daughter. Have not seen him, nor her, since. He was astounded. We saw each other with our kids in tow and he thought I had her all the time. Ah well, whatever.
Told him about my kids photos slowly being taken down or falling off the wall and me not putting them back up. I deleted all my photos of her from my phone. She is no longer the backdrop on any of my devices. He looked quite taken aback and somewhat annoyed by this. He told me to put all the photos back up. The jury is out on this. I know a certain amount of brainwashing goes on, but what good is me wishing to see her if she tells everyone that I am an ass and she does not wish to see me? It gives me a headache. Real bad. Bad enough to go and end up in jail. Really. I can do jail. It is probably preferable to this.
I went to drive home and ended up seeing another N.A guy and felt stupid just driving past, so pulled over and ended up yarning to him about stuff and then talking with the twelve day clean kid. Turns out he jumped of 50mg of methadone twelve days ago. Got to hand it to him. He was super impressed with me, but I was more impressed with him.
I know what I can do when I am in control and willing. I don’t expect others to either keep up or be as stupid.
Turns out this kid is not half thick. He looks like I did a few months ago. Jittery, no sleep. Headaches all the time. At thirteen day mark I went quite insane from lack of sleep. He is looking better than me at similar time frame. He thinks he gets a few hours sleep a night. If I remember correctly, and I may not, that would have been luxury for me.
Anyway, we sit there talking shit about giving up methadone. He talks a little loudly and the lady next to us takes her six year old girl and leaves. I give him a lift twenty kilometres home to his Mums, and do some shopping. Sitting in a restaurant not eating is kind of shitty. I purchased a can of tuna and milk. Just ate the can of tuna.
Felt really good talking with a few people whilst they ate and giving the young fellow a lift home. Felt so good I ate a can of tuna.
And feel full. So today I think I ate too much. I had an egg on toast, four rice crackers and a can of tuna.
Tomorrow I will start on my new diet.