Four months

Today is a flat day. Like, I feel flat. Not that I want to stay in my flat. Went out to do car stuff. Goddam Ford did not design this stuff to be pulled apart the way I pulled it apart. Hard work. For nothing really. Got a set of big brakes but ended up realising what a huge job it is to change all the engine, suspension and wheels just to get bigger brakes cheaply. This left me feeling a bit down. But then I got the stuff for next to nothing and remembered to “live in the now”.

I was enjoying myself right at that moment. Finding the right tool to remove things, swearing and cursing and carrying on… Using all my strength… Using leverage… Working out how to fit stuff… Working out *IF* stuff would fit at all… Realising it is a mammoth effort…. Getting discouraged…. Getting a sore back… Having some breaths… Having another go… Deciding not to bother… Deciding that since I had come this far I may as well continue… Deciding that it was raining too hard… Thinking that it doesn’t matter…

Reminding myself that I had nothing better to do and to live in the moment.

My compulsion to use drugs has been dwindling for quite some time. The desire to use has not reared it’s ghostly head for some time. The thoughts that drugs are not all that bad for me remain.

The compulsion to use drugs has all but gone.

Shame about the compulsion to do crazy vindictive shit to those perceived to be harming me.

Hang in there NZFIEND. You have another meeting with child psych’ guy this week. And a bunch of other dates coming up with those within whom resides the power.

And yet the powers that be just treat me like I should be in jail. So, maybe I should act that way.

 

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