Birthdays and cars

Ended up deciding it would be a good idea to take my Mum flowers for her birthday. This involved a 700 kilometre round trip in my newly legal car. Enjoyable to have a drive.

Took a lot of backroads. Some of them at full speed. Resulting in a petrol bill of almost $300. At $2.40 a litre, that is still 17 litres per 100km. Which is about double what you would expect if driving your Mums car at a sedate and normal pace. Stupid yes, fun yes.

Was good to see Mum. I purchased three really nice looking odd flowers from a garden centre somewhere half way up the North Island and entered her house, displaying them on the kitchen window sill. Rung her to see where she was, didn’t tell her I was at her place. Sat down on porch to entertain her cat and draw a picture for her birthday card. Left an unsigned note on the flower pots reading something like “8th October 2013. JB’s birthday. Remember to deliver flowers. If not home, eat bacon and egg pie in fridge and leave flowers on window sill.”

A car pulled up, not hers, but I hid around the back of the house. She was a bit drunk when she did show up. I could hear noises and confusion over the flowers and the note. And then a bit of swearing over the bacon and egg pie. All good.

Spent a while talking with her and her two friends, one of whom is a nutritionist of high order. Was quite good being able to share some theories on ADhD and the like with some really straight professional people. Even if they were a little drunk.

Mums husband came home from helping to arrange his Dads funeral. At 11.30pm at night I decide to type out the eulogy speech his older brother was going to make. We spend three hours changing grammar, researching facts about his life and re-typing… I try to sleep on couch. Mum is banging around in the kitchen loudly smashing pots and pans until 5am. I sleep and wake at 6am to drive off. I diagnose Mum as really bloody adHD herself….

ADhD, my my.

My my, what a lot of funny things go by you and I. Bzzz bzzz said the fly, my my, said I, whilst eating the bacon and egg pie.

Seriously?

Thank god Lorde is the daughter of a real poet. I need a new hobby. Cars maybe….?

ADhD can be good ; heaps of energy, creativity… Can’t focus? Don’t worry, who the hell cares? Not being able to focus just means I am designing things all the time. I see something, and instantly I see it for beyond what it is, but what it could be. This is a tool. In fact, bugger it… Here is a link. You can read some of the good stuff yourself... It has taken me years to work out this by myself. Somewhat depressing.

My ADhD is kind of out of hand a little at present. I am currently suffering it. Not loving it. Life has been interesting, but it may be time to try taking the edge off a little. Not entirely, but being able to channel energy would be nice. Just being completed scattered most of the time is really not doing it for me. It is landing my sorry ass on a one way track to train wreck.

Narcotics Anonymous Meeting

Went to a meeting last night. First full meeting I have done in a fortnight or so I think. Got asked to share. Said “congratulations to the guy whom is clocking up a year today. Gives me something to look forward to. Another six or seven or eight months or something and I am there too. Awesome. All I have about the topic tonight is that you have STATES and TRAITS. By working on a state, you can manufacture a trait. Thank you very much”.

A couple of the old timers looked at each other and grinned. I caught them grinning and they stopped grinning. Maybe they were thinking “there goes NZFiend talking shit” or something. God knows. 

But what I do know is that two of the four people whom shared following me said “I really liked what NZFiend said about states and traits…” and went onto explain how they could use that, or how they were already using it, but had not heard it said as simply before….

The guy with a year clean time closed the meeting and said he was trying to be happy with everything. Like even his car got stolen and he just said “cool, awesome” down the phone to the person telling him. This is an interesting way to live, for sure. But, at the end of the day, you need to let out anger. I told him as much after the meeting. You need to be able to release emotion. Suppressing it is not beneficial to long term life.

Ask my dead sister.

When The Body Says No

Then, if still not clarified, go read Gabor Maté When the Body Says No 

He just did up his first car, this year clean guy at N.A. Which then got broken into, attempting to be stolen, but had everything stolen from it as he had fitted an tricky kill switch somewhere the thieves could not find. We talked for a while about cars. He asked for my number and texted me later in the evening with “traits and states. Short and simple. Just the thing the rebuild soldiers need to hear. Spot on…”

So that makes three people whom listened and made sense of me. 

Stick that in ya pipe and smoke it old timers who prattle on for quarter of an hour about fuck all.

Narcotics Anonymous Meeting

Drove from there straight to “R”‘s house, whom lives next to my parents. Co-Incidences everywhere in this small planet of ours.

We had to write a report on the Mental Health Ward N.A meeting we organise and run. Legally speaking, we should not be running it. According to N.A rules you can not even attend an official H+I (hospitals and institutions) meeting with less than two years clean time. We have almost a year between us. And yet, here we are running this damn meeting.

We spent an hour doing normal report type stuff, but she was a bit stuffed and was getting bogged down with arranging words in a sentence. Most Obsessive Compulsive Disorder like actually. We got sidetracked for sometime thinking about why the longer clean time members had run away from the meeting, the organising and the structure. She thought it may have been her taking over the “contact” role. I thought it may be may “volunteering to be at every meeting”.

Obviously this is our personality type coming through. This is part of why we are drug addicts in the first place. We both honestly think it is US whom have scared off the other N.A members. But then, if we look at it more closely, we are probably the best two people for the job. Well, she may be… She works close to the meeting, in a similar field of study. I have empathy (thanks to ADhD me) with everyone, and seem to handle myself well at meetings and when dealing with the “fragile psyche’s” of the acute ward patients. Spent an hour or two talking with the guy whom runs the “methadone friendly” meeting on Tuesdays in Newtown and he conveyed similar sentiments that the old timers of N.A were a little anti this new direction and he was worried someone with a big thumb would squash it like a bug.

N.A is a political minefield.

People look at it as though it is “peer lead recovery”. On the one hand it is (meetings). On the other it isn’t (step work is a set of rules and regulations to be worked through).

N.A world service office (whatever they are really called) decided in the 70’s that change was to be expected. But, like any organisation, change can happen very slowly. Especially when there are some old timers whom are more than content to stick in their ways.

I have been meeting more and more people who go to meetings, but are not doing “step work” or have “sponsors” etc etc. I am one of them, obviously. This does not mean we hate N.A, nor do we love it. We are selfishly doing our individual recovery and life processes.

So there.

Feeding the cats

Since I spent an hour or three sorting out some information about the N.A meetings at the mental health ward I had to break into the spiritual advisors house to get them. With her permission of course.  Would never break into a house without permission first.

The cats were all over me. I gave them a “healthy snack” and left. Decided to break in again this morning. Breaking in this morning was easier as I thoughtfully had found her key and hidden it outside under a pot plant.

Here is one of the cats. He saw me coming up the stairs and kept this noise going for minutes whilst I stuffed around getting my cellphone to record.

He, truly is, the one of the wonders of the world. Cats apparently have fifty vocalisations. This one was last in the queue.

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