Saw my daughter yesterday…

The visit went well. Couldn’t ask her straight forward questions like “why are you telling people you don’t want to see me?” as whenever subjects like this came close to being part of our conversation I would get upset that she may get upset. But there were enough “moments” and enough looks passed between us that it was obvious to me that the New Zealand Family court system and Annette Gray, acting for my daughter, are completely and utterly fucken class A retards.

Have been really depressed again this morning. Had stuff to do, but ended up going back to bed. No TV, no book. Just laying there. Most unlike me. Finally left and went to the Newtown market. But didn’t make it. Turned left instead of right and ended up driving out to Pick-a-Part and fighting with various car parts until they came off. Then went to watch car racing on TV at Mum and Dads, but the car racing is actually on tomorrow. I forgot Flesh D-Vice and other bands were playing last night. I could have gone out, but just sat playing the same stage of some stupid bubble popping game on Facebook for hours and went to bed. Drempt about living out of a tent somewhere in Australia for a few hours between the usual dreams of not being able to save my daughter whilst members of her Mums family sit around doing nothing.

Car racing was not on TV, so drove off. Was going to mates garage to do some car stuff, but turned right instead. Ended up at EX’s house, not the mother of my daughter. Another EX. This is how it is for the likes of me. Ask any ADhD handbook.

She was interested in how the meeting went with my daughter. Every time I said something about it she would say “BUT” or basically say she thought I was full of shit and that my daughter doesn’t want to see me.  Fuck sake. It is a beauty sunny day and I was quite cheerful in a way. Was planning on going and watching some music later, but now am struggling to control my frown and growing adrenaline levels.  According to various psych people I have met recently I have too much adrenaline. What causes this is beyond me.

At least I am clever enough not to push someone whom is obviously getting annoyed about the line of questioning. Fucken hell. If you are really stressed about not being able to see your daughter for almost four months, I promise you that I will not interrogate you about it and tell you that you must be wrong. Of course my daughter never wants to see me. I am her Dad.

Of course I should have no rights. Of course my whole life for last ten years has been for nothing. Of course I need you to rub my nose in it.

And now you’ve rubbed my nose in it, stomp on the back of my head with a big boot. That’s really great, thanks.


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