We are what we are…

I got put on Ritalin yesterday. So far it has been bad. I stuffed it up really. I took a small pill, like I was supposed to, but then (due to lack of effect) I took a bigger one (or two). This stopped me drinking coffee all day, but resulted in me not eating all day too. A bit to much amphetamine in my system.

Damn. I have to throw away the packet of syringes I was going to give to the neighbour. It is too damn tempting to just consume the whole meagre lot.

I wrote this last night (this morning really…)

Although it is now almost five months since I came off the drugs. It is 1:30am and I am not sleeping. But that is probably more to do with excitement. And, to be brutally honest, taking a little too much of my new ADhD medicine I am experimenting with. That is kind of silly. I know what addiction is, and I know what crystal meth does. And this stuff is similar to crystal meth in a lot of ways… But I have been pretty focused and creative today. I took the prescribed amount and didn’t notice much. So I took one or two of the larger (longer acting) pills too. Seems to work well, but admit to having over done it. Don’t think having 50 odd MG’s on the first day was on the psychiatrists wish list when she stated “5mg for first three days, then 10mg for three and then 20mg for the remainder of the time until I see you in twelve days.”

I am going to be honest with her about this too. Sam McBride and others from higher up in Wellington Addict DisServices are watching closely. If I go and screw this up I will be stuck with somewhat annoying ADhD tendencies for years to come. Being honest with the mother of my daughter when suffering bad withdrawal mental abilities (mainly due to sleep deprivation – thanks to Sam McBride not helping with withdrawal prescriptions…) led to the mother of my daughter racing off to family court and having all contact between me and daughter removed. My daughter was, for years, the only reason I bothered to put any effort into my life. Guess she has done me a favour in some ways. I do not see myself as a useless pain riddled opiate addict any more. One day soon I may even be able to look in the mirror with real honest respect for the whole of me. 

That’s pushing it. I would be happy enough with a quick hand job from serenity.

……….

This morning I feel bad. I feel like I used crystal meth last night. Which is, oddly, confusing. I knew what this stuff was, and I know what crystal meth is. So why am I damn surprised and confused? Why am I annoyed with myself?

We are what we are. And me, being me, felt the need to actually feel the drug doing something. The 5mg dose was just worthless. I want to try life without ADhD and I want to try it NOW! Of course, thinking like that will end in disaster…. I know it, you know it, Sam McBride knows it.

But the effects on me are noticeable in a good way too… Just over did it. I did some okay stuff yesterday. Sadly cleaning up my pig sty was not one of them. Nor was dealing with an increasing amount of car parts and builders problems that need attention.

Hope to be working with myself on that soon.

Just have to deal with the temptation of using too much Ritalin now. Bugger me. 5mg is just… Well. It’s nothing, and I know it’s nothing… But I will try and do what the doctor orders.

There’s a first time for everything.

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