5 months since jumping

5 Months since jumping off my somewhat illegal drug intake of opiates (mainly methadone around 70mg/day) and the like. Has been quite an eye opener this time around.

5months

I wanted to give up drugs for myself, so made up some rules about it.

  1. Stop taking the drugs
  2. Be open minded
  3. Be honest

Sounds like a simple version of the 12 step programmes really. I knew virtually nothing of the 12 step programmes before the five month ago mark. I now know a little. I know enough to know I *do not* get another key tag for five months.

I knew little about the real issues of being ADhD. I know a little more now too. I am borderline changing my own, personal, diagnosis back to ADHD from ADhD.

But, what the hell. 

I have been experimenting with Ritalin. Methylphenidate as made by Novartis Corporation. I have to hand it to their Australasian brochure producing department…

Are there different types of ADHD?

Yes, the name ADHD is an umbrella term including…

  • Predominantly inattentive
    Inattention is the main presenting problem. This type is more passive than the others consisting of “daydreaming”…
  • Predominantly hyperactive / impulsive
    Hyperactive and impulsive behaviours are present
  • Combined ADHD
    All three, inattention, impulsivity, hyperactivity are present in fairly equal measures

They even list some good aspects of ADHD… But then “adult ADHD is a disability, but does not have to be a disaster” kind of leads to a medical model approach (involving their drugs, of course…) Did I mention I am left handed? Is there a cure for that yet? Back in the day that was a disease too… I think...

So, I have been experimenting with Ritalin. As published previously, I stuffed up. And now I have stuffed up again. I have gone and lost some of the bloody pills. Arrrghhh. I thought I would be clever and hide the last few in the cupboard, but… Well… ADhD or no ADhD, I can’t find them now. Hahahahaha. What an idiot. I have an “spot” for all my pills and potions, so I put them somewhere else. And, uhm. Explaining this to the people in charge of the prescription pads is going to be fantastic. Not looking forward to that. Hopefully they will turn up, but have an idea they may have made it into the rubbish when throwing out some old bread bags and cereals that have not been eaten in two years. Crap.

This Ritalin thing is a little odd. Honestly, I feel a little dead on the inside. Like a bit of me has got up and left the building. I actually had trouble concentrating on what someone was saying yesterday evening. And it wasn’t because of ADhD or my brain running off and thinking of answers (or more problems as the case may be…)

I had trouble concentrating on what someone was saying as I was listening to them, without any form of interruption, and they were BORING.

Here is a truly astounding side effect of paying attention and not even thinking about interrupting… You are forced to let people finish. AAARG. I don’t think I like that.

I am not sure at exactly what dose or how quickly this Novartis Crystal Meth’ is supposed to start working, but I have been noticing my “get up and go” is getting up and going.

Yesterday a car drove really close to me with a very angry female driver behind the wheel. I was walking across a clearly marked crossing after allowing a bus to go through. I stepped out her way and shrugged. The driver behind her had seen everything and looked at me startled. I shrugged again and got a huge smile for my trouble.

 A month ago I would have maybe kicked off her mirror, and got court appearances and police. But yesterday I got a genuine smile from someone unrelated instead.

I am finding writing this to be tedious. Although having had my 20mg Ritalin an hour ago, I really feel half awake. Or something. I don’t know what really.

I have been me for almost fourty years now. And am not sure this Ritalin version of me is really me or not. Until on a stable dose for a length of time, there is no point speculating. I am out of pills for the next five days… Guess that will give me some time to ponder.

Fuckit, get back to talking some shit.

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