Had a good day.
Did not read the daily N.A reading (haven’t for months) but it was read at tonights meeting. It was all about EMPATHY. Yes, EM fucken PATH fucken E.
Wow. Couldn’t be more related to me and current problems creating barriers and distance from certain people I have been possibly doing too much for. It is not a bad character trait, but mine is a state. I am always doing it. I put others first. I have no empathy for myself. My empathy goes beyond empathy and into the dangerous psychopathic realm of IDENTIFICATION. When you identify, you lose your own identity and take on others problems as you would your own. I am more than capable of this.
It has lead to some slightly psychopathic responses to solve some issues owned by other people.
One of which I am paying dearly for a decade later (ask my spiritual advisor…. she has my permission to share as long as you are barely able to stand at the time…)
Really good meeting tonight at N.A. Someone whom has studied neuroscience came up to me straight after meeting and talked to me about my sharing. My sharing took the usual one minute and six point six seconds and contained far too many swear words. If I didn’t swear it would be only fourty seconds. Pity you don’t get paid by the word in NA. My sharing, however, did also contain the words EMPATHY, IDENTIFICATION, PSYCHOPATHY, and SELF. It also said something like “empathy is great. It allows you to grow and work on things. It allows you to be gardener. If you see a plant that is dry, you water the fucken thing. When you identify as a dry plant, you stop drinking.”
The neuroscience guy (third or fourth year university) caught my eye and nodded straight after I said it. Unusually for him he did not share that evening. He sat there paying scant attention to anyone else and declined offers of lifts home to sort of walk absent mindedly down the road. I think he may have a good idea for a masters thesis!!! Hahahahahah.
So I have been trying to use only 20mg of Ritalin, but it really fails. 40mg is good, so I went and got some more pills so as I can take 40mg until I see the loverly psych lady again. I saw my Doctor (GP) and he said I was looking healthy. I reckon he needs glasses. But then again, he has seen me looking very very very unhealthy (see day 10 or 11 or 12 or 13 of this blog…!)…… I wonder if he remembers clearly what I was like when in healthy body but before taking ADhD medications? If anyone should be able to see a more peaceful, less agitated, more centred individual in me, it should be him. He has been sending me to ADhD people for four years I think.
Lucky they don’t know I am a psychopath too.