After having noticed a improvement in myself lately as far as impulsive and aggressive thought processes and actions… Well. Let’s say yesterday was a warning shot across the bows of the good ship HMS NZFIEND RECOVERY!
The girl I have been doing stuff for needed a lift. I thought it was okay, as I had stuff to do and that would give me a good reason to get out the house on time and get my day under way. I had not realised she then needed a lift into town at 10am. So I did that too. But then I was left waiting outside one place for fourty minutes. I was actually very proud of myself. I just sat there. A few months ago I would have driven off. She comes out, says sorry, and then says she needs to go to the bank… By the time she is out the bank it is almost 11am. And I am getting pretty annoyed now. My day is becoming fucked. I am letting other people down I had promised to do little jobs for. I am dropping her off at her new budget people – the same ones I know – so I ring them and tell them she is with me and she forgot her paperwork and that we would be there in five minutes. She then goes up to her apartment and I am sitting in the car for ten minutes. For fucksake, now I am getting slightly pissed.
I walk up the stairs and go to open the door. She has locked it. I hear the toilet flushing. We get back to the car, finally. I go to drive off and the exit to the carpark is blocked by another car with people just standing there talking shit. I do a U-turn, quite fast and go to drive out.
There is a suit and tie couple with their I-PADS and I-PHONES there. They are property managers of some sort. He is standing with his hands on his hips staring at me shaking his head like a fucken school teacher. She is scowling.
I pull on the handbrake, do a little skid. Jump out car and tell him the exit to the carpark is blocked and that if he ever shakes his head at me like that again I would break his fucken nose. The I-PAD lady looked shocked and started crying. He turned away and, thankfully for my future life of freedom, did not shake his head or make any attempt to open his mouth or continue the discussion. I got back in the car and drove off, with a wheelspin half way down the carpark. I drove to the first set of lights, at the second set (red) I stopped. Waited for people to go in front when it was green, got a nice wave from someone for being polite. Thirty seconds after this incident happened I was dead calm again.
The last couple of days have been good. But I was getting slightly annoyed with a number of things. Getting my car back from the N.A camp people was getting hard. I loaned them my car. Why is it up to me to empty the car of my tools. My tools went into another N.A guys house whilst they were gone. But then I had jobs to do, and they were fucking me around. They got back Sunday. I only got my car and tools back on Wednesday after having to mention it dozens of times. I even told them I had jobs to do on Tuesday. And then they said “oh the guy can get the tools back on Wednesday night.” FUCK OFF. You go sort it tonight. Thanks. And even then, they text me saying “the guy will be there at 9.30” like they expect me to go over and do it. FUCK OFF. You have my car and tools. You put the tools in the car and give the whole lot back. OKAY?
So, there you have it. I am a stupidly nice guy. I do for shit for people, and then they fuck me around. And then the old me came out to play. It was slowly building since the previous evening actually.
And the girl in the car whom I have been spending a few hours a day with?
She did not look happy. She looked a little scared actually. Which is interesting. She knows someone I was once “engaged” to. They met in jail apparently. This person I was “engaged” to used to act totally scared like that sometimes too.
Actually, quite often.
But she was pushing the limits more than often.
And then, ten minutes later, after dropping her off at budget people, I get a phone call from an ex-partner. She doesn’t really use drugs. She smokes other peoples smokes once in a while. Goes out drinking once in a while. Has anxiety issues. She was not performing at work. She has never asked me for drugs before. This was odd. She was ringing me, asking me for some of my benzo stash that she had read about on this blog.
I suppose about this point in time I should remind everyone that this blog is completely fabricated and nothing contained within it is true at all.
So, I meet her at my place and just know she will be sitting out in the garden. I hope she is doing some weeding. I pop head out window. She is not doing any weeding. Bitch.
My phone starts getting heaps of texts. I ignore them. I try to look up the drug on Wiki as I cannot remember it’s name. Wiki not working today, fuckit. I have the drug stashed in a nice hiding place where no one would find it. Ever. Not even a dog. Promise you. Anyway, I have about 2ml in a syringe. I put one small drop on a spoon to show her the dose. I then figure she may as well have that dose in front of me in case she gets it wrong later. I keep a careful eye on her, discreetly, as she leaves and walks off to work. Was a little concerned when she didn’t answer my calls or texts all afternoon so went around her place later. She wasn’t home, but returned my calls later saying she had got her work done and the effects were gone six hours later.
I said all of this at an N.A meeting afterwards. Some old N.A guys I don’t really think that much of were there. I got asked to share and said “I had a huge relapse today…” They all looked pleased almost. Assholes. I then said “A huge relapse of a behaviour…..” they looked disappointed. But then they looked happy again when I said about my ex coming over and me giving her one of the drugs out of my left over drug stash. One of them came up afterwards and had serious words to me about my drug stash. Then someone else said something. And then went out for a meal with someone else. And he said it too.
Fucken whatever. If I didn’t have that stash of legal prescription drugs what would happen if someone broke their leg and wanted pain killers? I have morphine, codeine, tramadol, oxy … Take your pick.
Sorry, I have no really strong benzo’s any more. I gave a years supply away yesterday.