N.A sucks ass, Girl with ADHD doesn’t suck ass.

Selfish fucking junkies basically. Who aren’t using any more, but still have major mental health issues. They will probably never feel secure outside a group. They even like the idea of getting N.A logos tattooed on themselves. Just in case you ever want a life outside of being an addict, you can’t. Cos everytime you take your shirt off everyone knows you’re an old junky. Brilliant.

Latest diagnosis is of the nut job girl I was helping out. Have now washed my hands of her. She text me this afternoon saying I was selfish (I don’t think I am) and that I am manipulating her. Seriously? What the fuck? I know you’re nuts, but this is taking things a little over the top.

I am fed up with the whole thing, and need a break. So this is it, I text – STOP TALKING SHIT, FUCK OFF AND STOP TEXTING.

And then I thought, holy shit, she claims she is ADHD, which I see a lot of in her. But I see a lot of something else too. I have tried talking to her about it, but my diagnosis skills cannot put a tag on what I have seen.

I have seen OCD quite intently, along with ANXIETY and LOSS and ABANDONMENT issues. I am totally confused as to an actual terminology for her MANIPULATION, LIES, DISASSOCIATION and other issues I noted such as ODD PROMISCUITY, NO BUDGET CONTROL, SELF HARM and APPARENT SUICIDE ATTEMPT four weeks ago.

I am *not* qualified in this field, but have had dealings with people of odd natures on personal levels. I talked with someone else about some of her behaviours. This person works in mental health and I respect greatly. Before I had scratched the tip of the iceberg of my list of observed odd behaviours, this person said “BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER“. Fuck. The last “girlfriend” I had with that resulted in some carnage. Bugger bugger bugger. Just what I bloody well didn’t need.

Upon further research, this poor girl is most likely a nice mix of ADHD,  Borderline Personality Disorder with these two subtypes as most prevalent…

Impulsive (including histrionic or antisocial features) Capricious, superficial, flighty, distractible, frenetic, and seductive; fearing loss, becomes agitated, and gloomy and irritable; potentially suicidal.
Self-destructive (including depressive or masochistic features) Inward-turning, intropunitively angry; conforming, deferential, and ingratiating behaviors have deteriorated; increasingly high-strung and moody; possible suicide

Fuck it. I am now not happy with myself for sending a “FUCK OFF” text to her in relation to her text accusing me of manipulating her and other odd stuff. She has basically just copied and pasted some things I said to her earlier and told me that I am those things. Which I aren’t.

Now what does poor old NZFIEND do?
He cares for this nutcase. He has helped save her from herself, and then tells her to FUCK OFF. Which is fair enough, given circumstance of being accused of crap he didn’t do, and / or isn’t.

Fucksake. Excuse the language, but I have to be up to the airport in seven hours and have not slept for fourty hours. I have to spend all day linked up to lines sucking blood out of me. I then go to a cancer sufferers family refuge for a sleep and go back at ten A.M for the normal hour long blood letting and computer scanning. What a great weekend. I could be spending a day with my daughter, but no… Being poked and proded seems way better.

I played squash yesterday and my back was killing me. I could not take any pain killers or anything without consulting the drug trial people, so I just stayed up all night with the pain. The game of squash was excellent actually. I will be back for more. If the guy I played with is still talking to me.

Think I will leave N.A group for a while though. Have really had enough. I was doing my best with this girl. I never had sex with her, although could have. And yet N.A idiots all look and giggle like little school kids when we show up together in a car. I went out of my way for these people with lifts in cars and generally being useful, and they have just constantly been shitting on me and generally been very non helpful.

The meeting last night was all about anonymity. Fuckers. The day before I said I had a relapse. Some of these idiots looked happy. These are the same idiots that told the mother of my daughter what I was saying in N.A meetings a decade ago. Fucken read your own traditions you fuckheads. You helped take my daughter away. Now you sit there HAPPY when I say I have a relapse. Then you look SAD when I say it was a relapse of a behaviour where I go and attack people. I wonder if you are in the least worried I may attack you one day. You probably should be slightly wary. If I was you, I would be wary.

Self centred old addicts really. Never bothered me too much before, but now I have no car and need to get to the airport no one offered me a lift even though I have been to airport five times for others. These little things start to get annoying.

It is a shame. A waste of a great few days in general. I was proud of myself and the patience and thought and effort I was using. Some shit I was doing was making a difference.

I was in an awesome mood last night. I played a game of squash and was really happy, even though my back was sore. Then a guy from N.A rings and tells me I shouldn’t play squash and that I should do Ti-Chi and… and and and and….. and and …. And I need to pray each morning and chant some shit about how I am thankful for crap.

MATE – FUCK OFF.

I am thankful.

I am thankful I am about the luckiest person on the planet.

I am living. I can walk with both feet. I can piss and shit by myself.

And sometimes I can play squash. And once every half hour I can win a point playing squash.

I do not need to chant how thankful I am every morning to be truly thankful.

Exactly the same way I do not have to practise to have empathy.

The same way I genuinely care for others welfare where as you N.A people have to do it just because it is a rule in your book.

The same way I have lived my life in the 12th step. Pity about the other 11.

And now you have put me in a really bad mood with N.A shit I didn’t need to hear right now. And then I start thinking about all the ways I have been shat on by N.A people. And then I get really really really annoyed. And then I don’t act on it. I go home and lay there in pain all night stewing on it. And the answer is….

I need to fuck off.

Advertisements

Say something, we want to know...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s