Three days until six months clean….

Three days until six months clean…. And holy crap. Is it meant to feel this bad?

Don’t think so somehow.

This time last week I was happy with things. Maybe putting so much energy into other problems kept me from noticing my own state of health was going off the rails. Here’s a quick list of what has been happening over the last few weeks…

  • Sleep difficulties, sometimes awake all night
  • Loss of appetite
  • Have lost 10% of my body weight in 16 days. I was over 89kg, am now just under 80kg.
  • Blurry vision feeling (I can see okay, but just feels blurry)
  • Lethargic a lot of the time
  • Muscles feel about half power
  • Anaemic maybe?
  • HEP C Viral load gone from over 12,000,000 to 00,000,017 (below the margin of error for testing)
  • Urine went from normal, to very dark, through brown, and back to normal in two weeks
  • Only doing normal bowel movements with a lot of fibre. Otherwise sloppy and passed within hours of eating
  • Have to take drugs with food. Sometimes it is hard to eat a bit of toast at the time of scheduled drug intake as eating is just not enjoyable at those times
  • More recently – Over sensitive to other people laughing at me or perceived slights on my nature or character
  • Feel like ADHD is coming back
  • Have not changed Ritalin dose, yet people think the Ritalin is screwing me up over last week
  • Dealing with family court and child issues is really beyond me. I can’t cope with anything really depressing or stressful so don’t open the mail or the email. This has lead to me missing deadlines for filing papers and conflict with the court staff

Some of this is obviously normal human function. There are a lot of stresses in my life right now. Then again, some of it is due to drug treatments for the Hep C Virus. It’s just that the test people don’t really want to tell me what the expected side effects are, as this may skew their test reporting and results.

Right now I feel lousy. It will pass. Eventually. I am trying not to be bitter that no one cares for me like I care for others. But then this could lead to me diagnosing myself with all sorts of DSM-V verifiable mental issues.

And we don’t want that, do we?

A psychiatrist for the probation service once stated in a sentencing report (the report the judge gets before sentencing you) that one of my strengths is being able to ask for help when I need it.

I sure pulled the wool over his eyes during that report.

I am totally useless at asking for help when I need it. I have never asked for help when I need it. Only when it is too late and I need damage control.

I need a game of squash or something. Something enjoyable without the need for any thought what-so-ever. HELP!

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