First N.A meeting in three weeks outside of the Mental Health Ward meeting that I run by default.

Tonight was the mental health ward meeting that I run by default too. I went to that. Had a couple of “clients” come in. Both girls. One of whom I knew from using days. Dodgy bit of work, but weren’t we all? Had an okay discussion. We hate each other. We got over it very quickly. Turns out she actually is more than a little bit capable of thought processes outside the realms of logic. That could be part of the reason why I got blamed for a heap of shit that never happened.

The odd part is that I could repeat this story five or six times. Maybe one story for each of the last ten years.

Are they insane?

Or am I insane for hanging with the same sort of crowd and expecting the results to vary?

Meeting finished early at the ward. One fine young lady was a little manic and more than a touch anxious. Figured the Ritalin was wearing off…

Today was raining. All day. Non stop. The mother of my daughter (previously known as SHIT HEAD, currently spoken of in slightly more polite terms)  rang to see if football training was on. I NEVER, EVER, CANCEL ANYTHING TO DO WITH FOOTBALL. FUCKME!

“Too damn right it is on” says me, somewhat politely. I even ask how the humanoid previously known as SHIT HEAD is feeling. A strange sensation occurs. Something between caring, empathy and being violently ill to the point of chopping ones own throat with a blunt butter knife. 

My daughter and I sit in car. No one shows up. She puts up all sorts of protests about getting her football boots on and having a little kick around. She has had a headache and a cold. She will not get out the car. 

My daughter and I had a bit of a kick around for the whole hour. The rain, which was heavy, started easing at 3:59. By 4:15 it had stopped altogether. The field was one huge puddle really, but we found some dry(ish) bits and had some good one on one time with trying to get her kicking the ball correctly. We made some good progress. They only give us one hour a week for training. When I have twenty children for the hour there is no real time to correct technique or improve the stroke of the ball from individual feet. 

We spent an hour kicking and nagging. She did three of four very good kicks in amongst hundreds of forgettable efforts and some down right CRAP. I hope she remembers the good ones. I do.

So, the Ritalin was wearing thin in the old frontal lobe of the ADHD leaning NZFIEND skull cavity after a day of effort….

And got to the N.A meeting. Cracked me up. There are “relapses” everywhere. But you know the funniest thing?


The funniest thing was that in jail one time there was this kid who put a broom handle up other boys bums and got done for it (rightly so)… In jail he was a little too young and vulnerable to be let out into the main stream, but he was an adult by the time he got found guilty and sentenced. So he was kept in his cell for 23.5 hours a day and only allowed out to sweep the wing and yard with an old wooden broom. The wardens made him keep the same old broom. Had hardly any bristles on it. Sometimes they didn’t bother letting him out at all. Weekends were long and quiet in that boys cell. No doubt the broom was thrown away once he was released. Probably burnt. In the cell. 


The funniest thing was that one time in a N.A meeting this guy with twenty years clean time rabbits on and on and on. There is a five minute warning at this meeting. He went on for eight minutes (I counted as he always goes on for too long) and then someone rang the bell. He ignored it and carried on. The bell rang again. Again, he carried on.

Good old NZFIEND says quite loudly and with some emphasis for authority “BING!!!!

This stops the old timer in his tracks. He says “I will leave it there, thank you”

Everyone says “thank you JIMMY” apart from one of the more astute people sitting to my left.

The astute person says “THANK YOU NZFIEND”



Today was my first N.A meeting in three weeks and they are all still just as fucked as ever.

The guy who pulls a strained face like he is shitting constipated bowling balls through his penis has started chewing gum and dressing without stained tracksuit pants and pink crocs. Hmmmm- must be trying to pull vulnerable chicks or something. Hmmmm.

THE FUNNIEST THING………… Without further ado……………….

The old time guy (twenty years clean after he smoked a few joints on a surfing trip once) whom always talks for twice the amount of time allowable IS… Wait for it….


And he sits there with his bloody Apple I Phone 5 on countdown and is just one step away from becoming old MS THATCHER the school teacher. He just about wags his finger and slides his glasses down his nose when 4:55 ticks over. 5:00 comes up, and he hits “reset” on his over priced white phone with a flourish. He re-crosses his legs over his vesectomy scars, pulls up his tweeds and tried pushing N.A literature on NZFIEND after the meeting.

NZFIEND is busy talking to someone about HEP C and INTERFERON alternatives. This guy is very interested. NZFIEND is interested in this guy.

And yet Mr Old Timer interupts and actually holds out books and brochures and pushes them into NZFIENDS chest.

The moral of the story….? Piss off. There isn’t one.


Remember how you should follow NZFIENDs example and treat people equally? If, let’s say, the MORMONS come around and start talking to you…..

  1. The Mormons have come around and start talking to you.
  2. Invite them in.
  3. INSIST they come in.
  4. Show them your porn collection.
  5. Question them about wanking.
  6. Show them some more porn, preferably of the animated variety. Preferably involving toys, machines, groups and bukkake.
  7. Remind them the door is locked.

N.A envangalists are the people whom put others off N.A… They are fuckwits.

The four people who came to the Mental Health ward meeting tonight are all scared shitless by them. Even me with my “one year since coming off my drugs of choice” claim is reaching the limits.

Having brochures forced on me by some know all shit head makes me want to hit things.

Fuck you old timer. My first meeting in three weeks will be remembered for the reasons why I didn’t like N.A in the first place. And I should have actually claimed my ONE YEAR CLEAN TIME tag at that meeting tonight. Fuck you all, just coz I can.


Do something with your fucken life. . Do not drive GrandMa Spec Renaults and give others cars shit.

Alien8 ZX Spectrum game tattoo


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