Lawyer shit part IV

Unlike most of my own courtroom appearances where I represent myself as a lawyer

(failing that I get some homeless girl a new shirt from the Op-Shop and present her as being Sandy Baigent – head of NZ “public defendants office” in disguise) 

these people have excuses.

At least when representing yourself you know your own case inside out. And sometimes outside in.



These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.


Would love to post a few of mine here. But then people would think I was trying to appear smarter than actually has been proven.


My kids football team finished for the year today. I am at a little bit of a loss. A void. A football limbo possibly.

2-1 loss after winning 1-0 at half time and a 1-1 draw. We improved heaps over the season. We played some good football. None of the kids are stars, as such, but are all stars. The parents had got together and got a basket filled with some really nice, semi expensive in a capitalist environment, wine & chocolates and the like. Of course I instantly broke into the sweets and passed them out to all the kids.

We went to McDonalds after the game. I had left all the little certificates and things at home (left in a rush) so, me being me, the players all got prizes made from the little plastic training cones we use to mark out the fields and drills at practises. Marker pens in hand, each got a little prize. My daughter won “MOST IMPROVED”. Another kid won “MOST HUNGUS GOAL SCORER”. One presentation went like this …

ME: So, COOPA, why would YOU get a prize and what for?
ME, throwing the prize with COOPA – Just AWESOME written on it: Yeahp. COOPA – Just AWESOME..

Then the car was running out of gas.

Put $20 in.

Card got declined.

Tried paying the young blonde lady with some tattoo’s on her wrists with a couple of bottle of semi expensive capitalist wine. “I would so drink that” she grins winking.

Unfortunately her boss overhead.

We are meeting to complete transactions behind the petrol station at the end of her shift like naughty school kids instead.

I may have to stand her up. My daughter is here for the weekend. Can’t be sneaking off with bottles of wine. No matter what.



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