Lost

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After three full weeks with no ankle bracelet confining me to a shiity little flat in central Wellington I am lost. This young lady has been awesome, but there are always buts. Our paths cross and run parallel for whiles, but not continuously, or even long enough, to help with my feeling of lost.

Taught her to drive manual stick shift, flew in a plane, have had some excellent times. We are great together when she’s able to hang out..

Am struggling today with who I am. And the answers are blank, dull and not all that helpful.

I am not a father. I am not a drug dealer. I am not young and hot or pretty.

I almost got up and drove to Wellington to buy some methadone just an hour ago. But I don’t want to be that person.

I am a old guy and a reasonable person.

It’s not enough.

Am lost.

Moved all my stuff finally, little to no money left, and know no one living in this small place. 10Km away the young lady lives in a town of 20,000. I know only her, and she’s doing her own thing, or her family thing anyway.

Have no belief in my ability to socialise or try new things. Live a hundred metres from a great beach and have no interest in it at all.

Am lost.

Am not looking forward to finding a new me.

The path ahead looks too tiresome for this old man who has walked many similar in the past.

Feel too tired to start again all over.

But can’t go back.

Patience. If I last long enough.

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