Woke up today…

Woke up today. A normal thing to be doing. Just currently hate it.

Got up, well, sort of vertical as opposed to horizontal… Struggled to kitchen on this list*. Opened eyes to stare blindly into fridge… Pictures Saw this next to my fridge and, ADHD and DRUG ADDICTION experts will not be surprised, am now writing 700 words into WordPress instead of eating anything in the fridge.

Was stuck some place in November and drew this picture at top using paper stolen out a photocopier and a four colour pen “liberated” from an owner who did not use it (the black was almost empty) at first I only had a blue pen, thanks for the colour!

Also in November my kid must have drawn this picture at bottom (it is a calender, made by her school)… She is 12 now and have not seen her for a year almost, and will not see her, hear from her or get a Christmas or Birthday gift to her. Mum gave me this picture she drew last month.


Nothing to really look forward to.

Struggling to stay at all enthusiastic.

May be going to jail, have been evicted as “owner may want to sell”, have no where to go and have really run out of energy…… Just too much on my plate to deal with… am not coping…

Drugs and jail seem like good options when you have nothing to look forward to other than debt and stress. FRUSTRATION and being POWERLESS has lead me to be angry.

These arms are not self harm in the sense of the term.armsThey are, however, the result of hitting large windows without fear of hurting myself. This is not really self harm. No, really. It isn’t. Seriously. Fuck. Whatever… All you people with psych training can just piss right off…..

Am very lucky to be okay other than having bad bruising around ligaments and not being able to use right hand for anything without severe pain in the wrist and forearm…

Am very lucky the flying glass did not hurt anyone else too badly.

Am very very lucky these people are still talking with me….

At least via social media chat! Spent five hours from midnight on chat with the lady whom owns these windows. Guess we won’t be seeing much of each other in real life any longer. Totally fair. Cannot blame her for that. I agree. 

For she now looks at me like I am some violent criminal. God knows the Police and the local town gossip already have me fucked, but she was one who didn’t fall for their shit. She believed in me, but everything got too much. 

It is only a window.

But it is a loss far greater. 

 

Am struggling to stay on track as some people are worth staying on track for. For they have struggled too, and they care about others too. They care more about me then I seem to care for myself.

Thankful for some good friends in Wellington. Gave me money to make it home, and let me sleep off and on all day whilst they quietly stepped over me. Absolutely brilliant. I was holding back a flood of tears as he walked to my car to make sure it started at I was safely driving. My good friend from the coffee shoppe whom I care about greatly has been simply brilliant. Sure, I nag him and drag him outside his comfort zone and do all these things for him against his wishes.

He has stood by me no matter how annoying my life is for him. 

Am learning to care for myself, but still care for others first…

  • Some have headaches constantly, mine come and go.
  • Some have screwed up so badly, they don’t care and really fuck people over. I still care, just.
  • Some are content doing nothing. Am far from content, but appear to be doing nothing.

 

So, woke up today. Kind of wish I didn’t.

Coffee,
food,
a quick hug
from one of my chickens
may fix that.

For a time.


 

*LIST – noun

  1. a careening, or leaning to one side, as of a ship.

    verb
    (used without object)
  2. (of a ship or boat) to incline to one side; careen:
    The ship listed to starboard.

    verb
    (used with object)
  3. to cause (a vessel) to incline to one side:
    The shifting of the cargo listed the ship to port.
Origin 1620-30; origin uncertain
Synonyms 2, 3. tilt, slant, heel.

 

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Stuff the world. I am over it.

The world sucks. Some would call it gravity. I call it bullshit. Maybe of the worst interfering capitalist god like kind.

“They” took me off Ritalin and replaced it with Concerta. This sucks. This is bullshit.

I have been doing “okay” on Ritalin. 40mg slow release and 10mg fast release for later in the day. “They” now have me on Concerta and.. Well.. it has screwed me around already.

I had things to do the other night. Very important things. I could not do them as….

ROSIE EDWARDS (under the guise of “they”) issued me 27mg of Concerta a day to replace 40mg of slow and 10mg of fast Ritalin a day. For fucksakes.

When it didn’t work (hardly any surprises there!) she said I should take twice the amount.

So I took two pills rather than one each morning. They wore off by mid afternoon (as predicted) and left me with the defective period from mid afternoon until sleep.

Sleep has always been an issue for me. Along with the evening time. This was the reason for getting 10mg fast acting to take in the evening. Seems that, totally conveniently for “them”, they have forgotten I actually have a genuine need for this shit and am now just a junky shit head trying to score free drugs. Assholes, the lot of them. Whomever “they” are.

I am writing this in the evening.

Just in case you can’t tell, dear reader – I feel really annoyed.

I got no sleep last night to speak of. Brain was going a million miles an hour.

Can I do this? Can I do that? I should have done this. I should have done that. What does this mean? What does that mean?
All whilst listening to two songs and three different versions of my own attempts at meditation and “counting sheep to sleep”.

FARRRKJKKKKK!

I was supposed to be out doing something for most of the night… With someone. This meeting took a long time to set up, yet because of this medication regime change, I was not feeling up to it. I cancelled. I will not be invited back to this event or group again. I promise you. And that pisses me off.

This evening I coached twenty children to play football. It was horrible. Not enjoyable for me. Nor for them. Am more worried about them. 

Taking on my kids football team was a huge risk. If I stuff it up my relationship with my daughter could be in serious trouble. It felt right at the time. Now, after tonights mess, I am close to quitting. Fuck you Rosie.

Yesterday I went back to causing fights when people cut me off in their cars. Fuck you Rosie.

And you know what?
When I told Rosie I was in trouble, she told me to take double and asked who my pharmacist was.
ROSIE EDWARDS then did not bother to tell the pharmacist she had told me to take double.

THEREFORE I SIMPLY RAN OUT OF CONCERTA or RITALIN AND HAD NO AVENUE TO GET ANY MORE.

Rosie Edwards would not answer her phone (due to “them” maybe?)… You know me. Clever cunt sometimes. I went to the Alcohol and Addict DisServices building in Newtown. I used their phone to ring Rosie. She answered on the first ring. She probably thought it was “them” ringing. Clever prick, me.

The pharmacist told me that ROSIE EDWARDS had told them it was “too late to give me a dose” as it was 3pm. But I was supposed to be up until 1am. ROSIE EDWARDS did not even talk to me to see what my plans were… She (and them) had no idea I had waited until that time to take my dose ON FUCKEN PURPOSE!!!!!!!!!!

This resulted in me failing to live my life as planned. There was no way I could have performed and been happy doing it in this situation.

They (via Rosie Edwards) then suggest that my annoyance at being fucked around (by them) is entirely due to me being addicted and drug seeking.

Over the last six months or so of Ritalin the mother of my daughter (whom I have been arguing with for a whole DECADE) is now pleased and happy to see me. The last six months have seen a lot of good progress.

In the four days since being taken off Ritilan and put on Concerta (against my wishes) I have argued, lost friends and feel as though the football coaching thing is a disaster.

IF YOU BREAK YOUR LEG YOU GET TREATMENT.

If I break mine, they look for DRUG SEEKING BEHAVIOURS.

Fuck them

And fuck you Rosie Edwards. I offered you (them) a hair sample, a piss test, I offered for you to look at my entire body for needle marks or the like. You (representing “them) have not taken me up on this. Our ONE HOUR MEETING to discuss my “CURRENT MENTAL HEALTH CONCERNS” was over in eighteen minutes (yes, I did time it) and any time I tried to say anything outside of “Concerta please, yes thank you” Rosie simply showed she had no interest. Well done Rosie. “They” will be very proud of you. Well fuck them Rosie. Look at me. Talk to me. Find out who I am. Find out what I need. Maybe look at helping me help myself? Stop putting me in a stupid meaningless box that governs my own health plan. You are so busy trying to call me an addict and a drug seeker and drug user that you don’t even see me for who I am.

Rosie Edwards (p.p. for “them”) is worried about me being addicted to Ritalin. Well, FUCK – If you broke a runners leg so they couldn’t run… And then interview them a day later – I promise you – the lactic acid, the stress, the lack of release of all sorts of brain chemicals and body functions….. The runner will be spewing. The runner will be not himself. The runner is, ADDICTED TO RUNNING.

This does not mean you must break his leg to stop him from running.

And yes. I am spewing. “They” (using the good Doctor Rosie Edwards) have bloody well cost me. And almost cost me a lot.

Rosie was born and brought up in New Zealand. She trained as a doctor at Otago University, working in Rotorua before moving to Wellington. She completed her training as a psychiatrist in Wellington and continued working for Capital and Coast District Health Board as a consultant forensic psychiatrist with Te Korowai-WhÄriki. Also, Rosie has worked in Australia as a general adult psychiatrist in a private hospital and for the newly established Justice Health Service for New South Wales until she returned to Wellington in 2007.  In May 2008, Rosie was appointed as Clinical Leader for the General Adult Mental Health Service . This latest role has allowed her to use her enthusiasm and interest for the way services are delivered and to look at how services can be improved. Rosie works in partnership with Operations Leaders and reports to the C&CDHB MHD Executive Director (Clinical).
—- From the Health Boards on Webshite – Click and weep 

 

CLICK

 

Hell, I even showed you, ROSIE (pp “them) my new tattoo’s…

Surely this shows I am entirely sane and you should write me some double uo globe class A heroin. And a lot of cocaine. I know you have a big stash Rosie. It’s about the only answer I can think of for the behaviours you exhibit. Some check Rosie (and them) for massive cocaine addiction problems. Stat.

PONG, as first created sixty years ago, but made into playable and reproductive capable units by Atari within months of my birth....  http://www.classicgamesarcade.com/games/pong.swf   Atari Asteroids from 1979 - http://www.shockinglyfun.com/game_swf/asteroids.swf   To go with the other games on left arm - Space Invaders ( http://www.webworksllc.com/games/Invaders.cfm  ) and The Great Escape barbed wire — with Asteroids and Atari Pong

PONG, as first created sixty years ago, but made into playable and reproductive capable units by Atari within months of my birth….
http://www.classicgamesarcade.com/games/pong.swf
Atari Asteroids from 1979 – http://www.shockinglyfun.com/game_swf/asteroids.swf
To go with the other games on left arm – Space Invaders ( http://www.webworksllc.com/games/Invaders.cfm ) and The Great Escape barbed wire from 1986 ZX Spectrum game

Space Invaders tattoo

Was my birthday on Friday the 13th….

Wow. Was going to post here, but didn’t. The anti ADHD med’s are somewhat screwing with my ability to put effort into anything creative. OR (and this is a big OR) … Maybe having my mate die, spending days in family court, winning the “right” to see my daughter again, and then having a funeral on the morning of your fourtieth… Maybe, just maybe… All of that takes it out of you and you are allowed to feel a little flat. Dead even.

Today we are taking some ashes up a hill and launching them into the win. Fittingly, Wellington is windy today. When isn’t Wellington windy?

Had a good enough birthday, my house is getting tidier and tidier on a daily basis now. It feels good. Have a car running legally again at the moment… So can ferry people up and down the hill to scatter some ashes… That is what I am doing today. Although Bob liked doing the odd burnout in my car… Don’t know if drawing attention that much is a good idea….. 😉

But on Saturday my daughter showed up, with her Mum. She tried pushing her Mum out the door, but me and her Mum spent fifteen minutes talking… Used to tell everyone that “I am friends with all my EX’s other than the mother of my daughter”. Well, we aren’t quite friends as such, but we are both working on it. This is major breakthrough territory. Highly recommend representing yourself in family court and pushing the boundaries…

Sat… Beauty sunny day. We didn’t do anything special. We just spent time together. Was really neat.Now that the only dream possible does not involve her dying,  I’ve even allowed myself to start dreaming again.

Was having a dream this morning about trying not to cry at peoples funerals and keep it all together. BOB was in *exactly* the same place as where my sister was when I saw her last. By exactly… I mean…. The exact same spot. Like… Their coffins were in the same position, in the same room, at the same crematorium.

Dreamt I was crying but hiding it for some reason.

Woke up about ten minutes ago and had to take a photo of my face. Now the computer keyboard needs dried blood removed, as does my pillows. Hope turning fourty doesn’t mean you bleed randomly all the time. tears2

You wouldn’t read about it…

The family court was enjoyable as all buggery.

Good fun. David Gilmour, what a witness. Hahahahahah. What a complete cock! Jeezus, if you ever want to get off anything, get him to appear for the other side. You will win as soon as he tries to fudge his first answer. Every one after that just increases your chance of success and makes the opposing party look more idiotic every time he opens his mouth.

Even the Judge had enough of him. He answered one clear question with “mmm, nhnnnnn, uhmmmmm, mmmooonnnn, nemmmmm.,” Seriously? This guy is a lecturer at Victoria university in Wellington? Holy fuck, they will hire anyone nowadays. Of course, if his speciality is linguistics, then fair enough. He invented a whole new language in the space of two seconds. Very clever.

At one point I demanded an answer of YES or NO and had to keep asking YES or NO answers as everything else he “could not remember” but then swore black and blue that he had a perfect memory when remembering things that would seemingly benefit their view that I am an asshole whom should never have been allowed to donate my sperm to a Gilmour egg.

Although, judging by yesterdays performance, the Gilmours need a bit of IQ added to their gene pool….

Glad to have been of service.

And now I am back to Court for day two. It’s looking good actually. Judge seems to appreciate my openness and honesty. Even though the lawyers hate it. 

Later

LORDE IS NOT ON HEROIN (last time)

God help me. I mean “my higher power”, of course. And no, my higher power, unlike some, is not SATAN.
Previously I wrote about LORDE…

Lorde Heroine(this image is not anything official. just some crap I did instead of doing some serious paperwork one day)

I just found this, when searching for my own blog… And, ah well. Good on him for listening to something he shouldn’t be trying out in the first place. Don’t think a fifty year old evangelist was really the target audience Lorde had in mind… joefl.wordpress.com

Posted this in reply….

You did not mention the song LOVE CLUB. Youtube it…

Here’s the (unofficial) lyrics anyway……………

“The Love Club” – Lorde

I’m in a clique but I want out
It’s not the same as when I was punched
In the old days there was enough
The card games and ease with the bitter salt of blood
I was in but I want out
My mother’s love is choking me
I’m sick of words that hang above my head
What about the kid? It’s time the kid got free

Be a part of the love club
Everything will glow for you
Go get punched for the love club
For the love club.

I joined the club and it’s all on
There are fights for being my best friend
And the girls get their claws out
There’s something about hanging out with the wicked kids
Take the pill make it too real.
The other day I forgot my old address
I’m sitting pretty on the throne,
There’s nothing more I want
Except to be alone.

Be a part of the love club
Everything will glow for you
Go get punched for the love club
For the love club.

Your clothes are soaked and you don’t know where to go
So drop your chin and take yourself back home
And roll out your maps and papers
Find out your hiding places again
The only problem that I got with the club
Is how you’re severed from the people who watched you grow up
When you’re a member go on your great adventure again
And we’ll be waiting at the end.

Be a part of the love club
Everything will glow for you
Go get punched for the love club
For the love club……………

Not bad for a 14 or 15 year old girl from the North Shore. LUCKY HER MUM IS A NEW ZEALAND AWARD WINNING POET. I am damn sure that her ability with writing and creating a unique young persons perspective on the world as it is today will be remembered will beyond the fact “her eyes are too far apart” (big reason to hate on your 16 year old peer if ever I heard one) and that half the world thinks she is on drugs just as the title of the album is HEROINE. Note the bloody “E” on the end people (rolls eyes and mentally head slaps)

And, to top it off, the young student who did the video for this song. Well… Awesome. Love this and more of her work. Is this sounding like a product placement advertisement yet?

She *is* staying grounded. She always was. She turned down supporting gigs to some major pop stars. These pop stars now do COVERS of Lorde’s songs during their live performances all over the world.

She *does* has a good family foundation.

I *hope* and have *faith* that she will not end up like a lot of other celebrities. She has already shown signs of being more in tune with Lydia Ko (young NZ golfer whom stayed amateur for a long time – she could have taken a few million U.S in prize money during this time, but turned it down until such time as other life things – school and family) would allow. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/golf/article-2093364/Lydia-Ko-wins-golf-tournament-aged-14.html

Now, trying to get everything back to GOD all the time just isn’t going to work in the modern day. Swearing occasionally is a normal part of life nowadays. Just like TV and electricity.

The AMISH may be happy. But I like my colour TV and my large smack habit. With these two things I would create an uprising against the state and demand equal rights for all. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amish

And the free market would hate that.

It may leave a void for the church to fill.

PS – Her music, personality, image and lyrics are FANTASTIC compared to what my ten year old girl listened to previously. And my ten year old hears words like “fuck” and “shit” quite often in her normal life at a good school in Karori, Wellington. Unfortunately she is growing up. Just hope I can maintain some influence and guidance in her life and she doesn’t run off with her mates and join the army of peer attachment circles. A bit like the blind leading the blind, teenagers will learn from their mistakes eventually.

I have already made them all.

Just listen to me and don’t do what I did….

Yeah, right.

I usually keep promises. Always. I know I promised not to mention LORDE and HEROINE again. But, hell. This has GOD, AMISH and is really an excuse to show the world that I am not in complete ignorance about some ideals of bringing up my own little daughter.

My daughter.

My birthday is Friday 13th Dec this year. I like 13’s. I like Fridays. Pity I cannot do any drugs…. snort, smoke, drink, inject or drop into my eye ball… It’s all out. I cannot do it. Legally I would be breaking the terms of my HEP C experimental treatment, and also I have arranged for a tough fighter guy to break my jaw if I have a relapse. Tried talking others into kicking me over too, but they’re too self centred on their own recovery or too plain lazy to bother kicking me over.

As per typical ex junkies.

Family Court Paperwork Excerpt

Here is a small sample of paragraph 19 of 40… I am awesome at lawyering. Simply the best.

Due to time limitations of getting my Criminal History report I have arranged for it to be sent directly to *COURT APPOINTED FAMILY PSYCHOLOGIST* at his premises. He should be in receipt of this soon. It will show driving offenses (impulsive actions and anti authority behaviours again. Have I mentioned I am ADHD yet?) ….. I don’t see why the Family Court could not just ring a few floors up and get it sent down directly. Really don’t like, nor care for, courts or lawyers that ride this gravy train. Waste of time and space all of you. If all the court papers were headed DAUGHTERS NAME and not MUM vs DAD we would be on the right path. The whole system is based in controversial technique. If it was all “DAUGHTER and MUM and DAD” it may be a more positive environment. But, it is what it is. Me and Chief Judge Boshier can sit with fingers crossed for change until we die. By the way, has anyone found where Boshier ordered only HE and one other previous judge may act on this case? He clearly said it verbally. Maybe it has been lost somewhere amongst all the garbage, along with my complaints about certain court staff. The black hole of Wellington Family court. Someone reincarnate Newton and let him know we’ve found it. Quick.Yes. I should delete this. Yes, I am a dickhead. Am I open and honest? Maybe too much so.

Maybe I should edit my work before submitting it to the Wellington New Zealand Family Court via the Department of Justice NZ.

But then, who gives a shit about being honest? It’s about time they bloody started!

Family Court Paperwork

Has done my head in. Have had frontal lobe headaches, back pain, neck… Have been sitting there rubbing my head an face staring at the crap they pile upon you. Have ended up with broken capillaries in my cheeks and forehead from rubbing them. And then it looks like I’ve been attacking pimples and left a few scabs. AAARRRGGGG. Really does my head in this stuff. You can see why I put it off.

I have not started writing yet. It is 8am and all the paperwork is due by noon.

And I have been up half the night worrying about it.

And now I have to take these drugs that make me fuzzy.

And

And

And

Fuckit. They are going to get their damn paperwork.

The family court is garbage. So my paperwork should feel right at home.

familyreportDon’t you love the way everything the family court does is private? You cannot report on anything in the media. The journalists are not allowed into court. All the findings and orders are secret. Even the report from the child and family psychologist is not to be shown to anyone other than myself.

This protects the court from outside scrutiny and means they can continue to pound fathers asses with large bats.

This then means all the lawyers stay on the gravy train they have carefully crafted and protected for themselves.

Me and my EX just need to be locked in a cell with pens and paper until we reach understanding and agreement.

We do not need endless reams of paper with DAD vs MUM at the top. We need maybe ten sheets of A4 with “OUR DAUGHTER AND HER FUTURE” as the heading.

And people wonder why we develop a complete mistrust of government and authority. Sigh.