DAY 1 to 50

DAY ONE to DAY FIFTY

Index Oopsies 

 DAYS 1-50 | 51-100 

Waves in my brain by NZFIEND.WORDPRESS.COMUPDATE
This index has gone way off track. I simply thought it not important for too long. Now it is going to be a nightmare to work out and get up to date.

Although it is now almost five months since I came off the drugs. It is 1:30am and I am not sleeping. But that is probably more to do with excitement. And, to be brutally honest, taking a little too much of my new ADhD medicine I am experimenting with. That is kind of silly. I know what addiction is, and I know what crystal meth does. And this stuff is similar to crystal meth in a lot of ways… But I have been pretty focused and creative today. I took the prescribed amount and didn’t notice much. So I took one or two of the larger (longer acting) pills too. Seems to work well, but admit to having over done it. Don’t think having sixty MG’s on the first day was on the psychiatrists wish list when she stated “5mg for first three days, then 10mg for three and then 20mg for the remainder of the time until I see you in twelve days.”

I am going to be honest with her about this too. Sam McBride and others from higher up in Wellington Addict DisServices are watching closely. If I go and screw this up I will be stuck with somewhat annoying ADhD tendencies for years to come. Being honest with the mother of my daughter when suffering bad withdrawal mental abilities (mainly due to sleep deprivation – thanks to Sam McBride not helping with withdrawal prescriptions…) led to the mother of my daughter racing off to family court and having all contact between me and daughter removed. My daughter was, for years, the only reason I bothered to put any effort into my life. Guess she has done me a favour in some ways. I do not see myself as a useless pain riddled opiate addict any more. One day soon I may even be able to look in the mirror with real honest respect for the whole of me. 

That’s pushing it. I would be happy enough with a quick hand job from serenity.

……….

D-DAY

  • NZFiend background and recent drug intake to prepare for self imposed withdrawal (cold turkey)
  • First incident with Community Alchohol and Drugs services

DAY FIVE OF WITHDRAWAL

    • Diarrhoea drug, Loperamide hydrochloride, ideas
    • Daily report including rat trap stuff
    • First Narcotics Anonymous meeting
      I would be full if shit if I didn’t do what I preached. N.A. is a consumer lead provider, so keeping open mind is important

DAY FIVE on way to N.A. meeting

  • Narcotics AnonoMouse literature filled out without permission, but with clarity, detail and honesty. So, sue me. It was good fun.

GOOD MORNING – Day six

    • Narcotics AnonoMouse visit
    • Start looking into my history in particular the relationship of addictive nature of adrenaline sports
      (I was / am, and know people whom are / were. Some are dead – chose the wrong time to jump)
    • Self hypnosis to try sleep
    • Footnotes of extreme sport videos from some people I used to hang with

MAYBE I need saboxone…

  • Hanging out, think I might try G.P for some stuff to stop the withdrawal effects from killing me (namely the effects are bad enough I kill myself really… Don’t think the shakes and all that would kill me outright. Yet)
  • First signs of visual disturbances
  • First handwriting test image
  • Managed to eat a single muffin and keep it in a little while. Any progress is good progress

DAY SIX, evening

    • Wellington District Health Board CADS service sucks.
    • Doctors are useless due to severe case of being hogtied by legislation and CADS
    • N.A. meeting and great time coming home

DAY SEVEN

  • Bit of sleep
  • Drawing test
  • Food intake
  • The cost of methadone on the street

DAY SEVEN, evening

    • Ate heaps of food, kept it in (and down)
    • Fifth NA meeting in four days
    • TRUE INNER SERENITY
      Really just reached by choice – I chose to ignore all bills, all druggy friends, all problems, all car issues. By ignoring I mean totally ignoring. Was beautiful. Until two mornings later when explaining my mental health took precedent over bills to the budget people….
    • 3.23am update and handwriting test image

EVOLUTION did what the maker was afraid of

  • First thing in morning Handwriting test video
  • Sleep and Songs
  • My Oprah interview

DAY EIGHT

    • Internal clock is useless
    • Vision not too flash
    • Thought processes hopeless
    • Sam McBride should be forced to become an addict
    • NZ Opiate addicts are a better class of people

DAY EIGHT, evening

  • Habit of feeling go later in day discovered
  • Observations from walk this afternoon
  • Stealing rent and buying things for self explained
  • Stress and worry coming back

GOOD MORNING DAY SOMETHING OR OTHER

    • Lost track of days
    • Really hanging out last night, had a Tramadol
    • Description of hanging
    • Stress about real world worrying a little
    • Am enthusiastic and finding a direction for my “SOCIAL, DRUG, ADDICTION, MENTAL HEALTH” roundabout of wanting to change the world (and drag me along with it, chur)

3.33 AM Half the Man I used to be

A little history of some Wellington shit

    • An error ridden and probably completely misleading look into Wellington city drug scene.

DAY TEN – Evening after N.A meeting

  • Feeling good, but getting tired.
  • Short sharp shocks better than gradual reduction?
  • Sam McBride is an idiot (part four)
  • Could we move N.A or A.A model into mental health?
  • What do we call GOD if we don’t believe in god?

DAY TEN – Night time

      • Batman and Robin story about going out in the rain with a sleeping bag
      •  I am chasing the dragon again. This dragon is a mellow old thing called Serenity. She is stunning.

DAY ELEVEN

English: Theodore Dalrymple

DickHead: Theodore Dalrymple (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

    • Handwriting test video (do quite well – better than I feel!)
    • Mr Theodore “I use a fake name to protect my child fantasies” Dalrymple musings and annoyances
    • Thoughts on withdrawal

DAY ELEVEN Lunchtime

  • Oh my higher power.
    I almost turned into a cop killer.
  • Proud of myself that using drugs was not the first thing to come into my head. Not so proud that killing police was.

DAY TWELVE – Waves crashing in my brain with GRAFFIX BY ME!!!!!!!!! Yay, cool.

      • Handwrite test video three
      • Cheated, took some pills to sleep
      • Quick example of AHDD by doing a graffix of something else
      • Daily report of feeling like flu
      • N.A. people can count how clean they are by the amount of days – But they keep it up for decades
      • Lawery Stuff – Long look at current issues with the NZ filth ;
        • Legal Aid
        • Public defenders office
        • Police in general
        • Law makers
        • Why not just privatise the justice sector?!

Day twelve of methadone withdrawwwwallllllll

  • Have not left house for a whole day
  • This is remarkable. Trust me, this is the first whole day I have ever spent in my house. I have lived here three years.

Day twelve, evening…

    • N.A Meetings, good but mouth slow, brain fast
    • Have to hit rock bottom to bounce?
    • Police humour – just don’t call them gay
    • Recovering addicts are all un diagnosed mental cases
    • Someone tells me I can draw god. The Fly Ageric mushrooms say different mate
    • Going into town by myself
    • Being lucky

I not your fckn clown… Day 12

      • Slept an hour in 36. Stoked.
      • Loperamide and Banana at 3am
      • Ooops – It is day 13, not twelve. Starting to go Madness.
      • Think I have a discovery about withdrawal symptoms LACTIC ACID.
      • Talked with medical GP about lactic acid, he swtiched off and started to think of ways to restrain me whilst getting a big shot of something special into my bum. Fucken typcial.

Not pretty reading, but unedited from original graspings at sense. A record. Going insane basically. Lack of sleep and not being able to consume food;

DAY 13 – All the children are insane.

  • In internet shop taking stock. It is Friday, my daughter is due in a few hours and I am fried.
  • It is not the physical aspects. It is mental. And it is getting problematic.
  • Filled in an ADHD test. Got a score over fifty. 37+ suggests strong adult ADHD. Hahahahahaahahahahaha

GOD IS FOUND

      • His name is Zopiclone and he comes in blue 7.5mg tablets
      • Waiting in chemist is better therapy than N.A!
      • More annoyed talk about the state health provider.

DAY FOURTEEN

    • Slooow morning
    • Where has all the sleeping pills gone, the bottles are all empty
    • 15 hours sleep from 4pm till 7am though, oh yeeeeaaaahhhh baby!
    • Think I may have frightened my Doctor. He saw me yesterday, maybe for the first time.

DAY 13 or 14

.

      • Try to start fights
      • Can’t give a shit about others problems
      • Hit my daughter when she hit me
      • Not in control

BORN AGAIN. Day XIV

  • Feel okay, but a wreck. Going quite insane with daughter around. Not good. Not good at all.
  • Arm feels sunburnt, but it isn’t. Why is cellphone covered with blood?
  • Typing makes no sense to me. It may to you. Read with care. It’s ugly.
  • Through all the haze my daughter is my earth
  • Maybe listening to loud punk and Linkin Park covers of Depeche Mode is not the way to go.

DAY FOURTEEN – Someone shoot me, quick

    • Just cannot be bothered any more. DRUGS. Now,  left arm. Chur bro.
    • Keep your friends, stay on the gear
    • ADHD, tired, losing sense of humour
    • N.A bitterness. Community is all shit. Everyone is out for themselves
    • Self harm practise
      (quite insane, but coming down.,..)

I think I feel sanity returning. Shame the weekend with my daughter was a confused, angry, violent, psychopathic mess. Welcome back. If I ever find the strength to revisit this period again it will shock a little. Bloody idiot drug detox people should have just given me some help in the first instance. Jumping off over 50mg’s of methadone a day and trying to do it with nothing is just insane. Don’t do it. Get some sleepers. You need to sleep every third night.Properly. You have been warned. Being awake on amphetamines for two weeks is about the same. Try it. 

Day Fifteen of sweet fuck all

  • I gave up drugs for this? Fuck, give me a hit….
  • If N.A (or other group recovery) have your details they should use those details. Even the state have “after care” nurses who ring to make sure you’re still alive once in a while
  • IV users are more honest than corporates
  • People are always saying “if there is anything I can do” but they are hollow words
  • Letter to Dr Gabor Mate
  • Note about I.Q scores

After LUNCH, Day Fifteen Muthafucker, suck on that!

      • Returning from mentally unstable land of horror and becoming N.A freak
      • Is N.A. a growth industry
      • Invest now all you corporates, the new gold rush is here, it is addiction recovery
      • Bring Back The Stigma, beat the corporate recovery model
      • State funded recovery folleys (more on Sam McBride putting people into boxes and throwing away the methadone laced key, go figure, what do you expect!)
      • WHAT COMES FIRST, Community or Problem?
      • Recoverunities based on hippy communes or cyber sex groups
      • Are we really consumers?
        Equality lead recovery? Peer to peer recovery model (TM)

XV NIGHT TIME

          • A good N.A meeting – Excited by prospect of starting a kick around team
          • Think I may have a stomach ulcer or something
          • Sleep issues again
          • NZFiend has a bath. It makes front page of local paper

I am going to change my face, this one doesn’t belong here

  • Slow this morning, got some real sleep (two hours) but maybe clonedine patch making me “dizzy”?
  • Why doesn’t this N.A. guy just move? And how will disharmony effect peer to peer recovery model?!
  • Our Prime Minister says everything is fine. We believe him. And the media do nothing. They are too busy reporting on a gas leak that scared one young girl and a errant chimpanzee

DAY SIXTEEN – The Locked Ward

          • Musings about art of Salvador Dali
          • Am I really a drug addict, or is my mental state chinese stir fry?
          • Drug Stigma – needed, bring it back
          • Mental Illness Stigma – Not needed, get rid of
          • Denniss O’Donnell The Locked Ward discussion and review
          • Mike King, Nutters Club should include addiction more often
          • N.A literature about addiction and Denniss speaking as a psych’ ward orderly say THE SAME THING
          • Coming off drugs is great,
            until you remember why you took them in the first place

DRUGS AREN’T THE PROBLEM

    • We are all plain nutters
    • Recovery industry VS just legalise everything
    • Reasons for addiction – Pain, Mental Health or
      you just plain like getting nicely toasted?
    • My journey is getting awkward – having to look at self hard, making amends and other new fandangled soppy ways of dealing with things
    • Starting to think about allowing a shrink in past the 10 mile mark without launching attack drones

DAY SEVENTEEN – Pass a bit earlier boy, it hurts less.

      • Am converting rugby commentary into life lessons. HELP ME, A BIG SYRINGE IN BUTTOCK
      • Gave up on not sleeping and took one 7.5mg imovane (zopiclone)
      • Got some energy back riding bike
      • Thinking some psych sessions may be good (shoot me, for godsake, just shoot me….)

Untitled-1996A BRIEF WANK

          • Old pencil drawing comments
          • The people on top are more screwed than those below
            (narcissistic assholes ruling us)
          • Brief thoughts on such
          • Not so brief thoughts on Scientology added
          • Narconon (scientology community rehab model)

DAY 18. The whole “C” side of Fandango

    • Stunning album from Phoenix Foundation
    • Handwriting test
    • Maybe I need to get addicted again as I didn’t test myself enough for real data
    • I am not a psycho, but Gerry Brownlee may well be
    • Problems with daughter and her Mum finding out about current drug issues
      See court cases looming
    • N.A. rings and brightens me up

Using drugs is good

      • No N.A. meeting – REEL KIWI UNDERGROUND music night instead
      • Law makers suck on drug issues
      • Capitalist scum really want and need a revolution too, it is good for their tax break
      • Homeless, jobless, need money for drugs begging
      • Advocates for Drug Treatment – Where the bloody hell are you?

DAY 18 – No tale of relapse

        • No relapse, Sam McBride will be spewing
        • Went to NZ Music thing, cool seeing old music footage
        • Some Wellington punk musings
        • Old tales of debauchery in South Island
        • Should be doing court paperwork. Cannot handle the stress

DAY 19 – Life, it is boring

  • Life is boring isn’t it? What do you do with yourself?
  • The gun is highly polished but has never had the last bit put in to make it go BANG

Any bets…?

        • On how long this withdrawal is going to last?!
        • Loperamide not taken and food staying down a little
        • Wellington storm photos from walk

DAY TWENTY

    • Cannot sleep without kicking and turning still
    • Some song lyrics from when I was a kid (..!eek!..)
    • Feel like doing stuff, but am slow and spaced out still, would not trust myself with power tools
    • Running a marathon – one foot in front of the other. Nothing else.

You’re in and out of vicious circles running around and around

        • Went to N.A in local secure psych unit
        • Lucky my house is protected by neighbourhood watch of the gang style

TO This Day Project

  • Links to vimeo of To This Day Project Brilliance
  • Up the Punks (Wellington punk scene wiki) links

TWENTY DAYS off the METHADRONE

      • Psychopaths at top looking down at ass poor bastards smiling back up
      • No point complaining, just get on with it
      • Upping Omeprazole dosage to double what doctor said – Ulcer is killing my food intake
      • Second N.A meeting in one day
      • It is a shame the only way to meet clean addicts in Wellington is N.A.

21 days m th r f ck r. Bring on the DIASTOP

  • Loperamide, now lot
  • Need sleep – insanity is around the corner
  • Social stuff ;
      • Need to meet new people
      • Big problem – Needy housing is creating more needy
      • Happily deposited into a concrete box, lab rat style
      • Housing leaders want no effort or no outlay or no risk

Day 21 – My mind is in my paws

        • Say “Hey dude, I am working out who I am too. I am a fourteen year old…” at N.A meeting
        • It is sunday and I am depressed watching people do normal things without me
        • PLATOISM, Socrates, Celestine Prophecies, LSD, aura’s, Scientology, God, Hell and hydrogen bombs.
        • Worked out where Scientology comes from, or where the human race is going – take your pick
        • A good reason for not believing god is a doorknob

Day 22, why I am I writing this?

    • Worst is over
    • Still got reason to take Loperamide, but not taking it
    • Took off clonidine patch
    • Went to bed and slept with dreams with no drugs at all
    • PLATO, SCIENTOLOGY and GOD

DAY 22, nun nighs time

      • Good N.A meeting tonight
      • Everyone said stuff that was similar to me, again
      • Going to bed, straight

23 Days, Lived a life so sorded

        • Story of old drug dealing days
        • Why don’t I move out of the area?
        • Life is drudgery

Sat in sun, read book…

  • Went for a walk, sat down in garden and didn’t move all afternoon
  • Starting to think N.A. is creating self fullfilled asses

Day whatever. No Biggy…

      • Three weeks and sleep still not coming naturally
      • Stomach ulcer
      • Drug induced Psychosis (crystal meth in particular)
      • Story about meeting old mate
      • Five step programme for getting your ass off methadone

DAY 24, no N.A. meeting and people suck

          • Avoided N.A. meeting for first time
          • Story about shop keeper vs George, drunk mental guy
          • Walk to Library, humour with old music guy
          • Get to Library, spend four hours there and then another four trying to explain it (just skip this bit.. although the old ZX Spectrum computer game video is classic..!)
            Ends with me finding an example of manipulating Hydrogen Nucles for a new computer
          • Change of focus from
            WHO AM I?
            to
            WHOM AM I TO BECOME?

DAY 25 maybe. And…

      • Horrible night – One or two hours sleep – Mind is going too fast
      • Do you hear your own voice as part of thought process?
      • Thoughts on USA public health warning that psychotic episodes may be drug induced
      • Giving myself a break

Day 25. No, we don’t have C.A in N.Z

    • Rose sets me off about Cocaine Anon and other drugs anons – Hardtrip, GirlpartyDrugs.ANON all sorts of anonsense
    • Is hard to be open and honest in N.A. Don’t quite trust the “A” part of the “N.A”
    • Answer is coffee shop gossip
    • Had a choice to go to N.A or not to go. Stayed home to watch Futurama
    • Reckon I keep an open mind – Not sure about N.A.zi’s

Twenty Six Days… Withdrawal continues

        • Wow, long time, reminds me what a shitty drug methadone is
        • Ran out of internet data already – 2GB @ $55.

INEQUALITY issues…

      • INEQUALITY BOOK LAUNCH
      • Pity the INEQUALITY conference costs $90 to attend! (HAHAHAHA!)
    • “Give them a smack habit and a colour tv…”

DAY 26 – You’re having a laugh…

    • Hell, my god, my laugh has come back
    • The evil she devil that stole my sperm makes her first appearance in blog
    • Stressed afternoon, think about rivers on moon
    • Not liking people dumping crap on me. Thanks.

DAY 27 sucks arse

  • Unless you’re gay, felching not good
  • Even she devil that stole my sperm makes second appearance – no more helpful than the first
  • First N.A meeting in four days. Didn’t say much, left straight away….
  • Not in a good head space. There’s a lot going on and I want to keep in sand
  • MUSIC fixes me for a while – Loud and fast

Actually one interesting thing from 27

    • Teasing a child psych doesn’t pay
    • Can druggies detect each other from miles away?

Week FOUR. Well well well…

        • One hours sleep, take Zopiclone
        • Going fishing I reckon

28 days, no surprises. No sir.

      • Could have caught a fish at least
      • Spawn of retard devil whom stole my sperm makes third appearance. Hopefully final. Cannot be f ck d with her or her dumb arse attitude
      • FOUR WEEKS – Even my intenstines are starting to feel like I own them again
      • Read a good little chapter of a book about self-stigma in addiction (and the fact treatment centres have bullet proof glass and panic buttons…)

29 days, White Rabbits and Brown Sugar

  • Four weeks and one day
  • Drug repair that works comments
  • Story about porridge, brown sugar and screwed up families

(

(

( Well, there is a lot missing here. Am going to work through it all… Slowly. It takes a while you know.

(

(

Primum non Nocere

  • FIRST, do no harm.
  • GASTRO has rung. Conversation was a bit odd, but at least they rang after over a year. I should have been dead. But now have an appointment.

38 Days. Biting on the bum

      • Internet Data allowance gone
      • Health Departments saying the same thing three times in a fortnight. Insanity
      • I hate everything about authority. Almost as much as authority hates me

So, gastroentorology…

  • Nigel Stace is oh so apologetic (but hides my records from me!)
  • ….

Money. It goes. Day 38?

      • Went to a little gig instead of N.A. Rebel me.
      • Money is worrying
      • Move to Christchurch for liver treatment? AAARRRGGGG

Drugs are good – When you do them people think you’re cool

  • NOFX song lyrics
  • Semi solid poo!
  • Court date with dickhead lawyers
  • Trying to keep mind tidy by tidying house
  • Co-Occuring Disorder. Bugger you useless therapists. You would think that you guys would like something to get stuck into (me)
  • Addict DisServices still has me on methadone waiting list. WTF!

Cold, rainy. But depressed anyway.

      • Tried to get counsellor or therapist. Spent three hours on phone and three hours on foot. Ended up back at Addict DisServices. Real fuck around. Maybe I should go run over a policeman.
      • Child Access bullocks

DAY 43. I counted.

    • N.A saves the day after I spend hours doing family court paperwork and do my head in after fourty pages of single spaced and condensed font typing. AAAAARG!
    • RMG (my ex) makes an appearance at bottom. In between is complete family court crap.

So, this is kind of stink

        • Some of my old pictures and art
        • Should be doing court paperwork. And am not.

Wow. A good day. Really. Sarcasm not.

      • Stomach is crap. Whatever I put in comes out rapidly
      • Today was actually quite good
      • ESP from some wierd scientist guy
      • Why was today good? You’d have to work it out by reading this post
      • Albert Fish
      • Wierd N.A fable about a girl with a custody issue

Daily N.A reading – Scary, but fun

    • Swallowed a sleeping pill after no sleep again (day fourty)
    • NA says ““Deep inside I had feelings of inadequacy and inferiority” 
      I say, NO SHIT.
    • Am getting pissed with hearing the same crap at N.A… “I am so pleased to be here” – if you weren’t glad to be here, kindly fuck off
    • Family Court Paperwork – YUKKY

N.A sharing, FUN. Stomach is killing me

  • Pushing some N.A buttons
  • Stomach is ulcerated or something. My POSA it feels like crap!

Day number (insert huge amount here)

        • Some Blood Stained Morning is skipping on record player
        • Propoghandi track lyrics (fuck Americanism, fuck religion…!)
        • N.A daily reading is about Using Dreams. I do violent dreams instead.

Sorry about that…

  • I piss off a patched gang member by being silly
  • Break bike pedal off and hurt myself a little
  • Go to family court – Nice story about photocopying
  • Family court is USELESS. UsEleSs. Use less
    “………….……. %^$$Y&%&%$##%@$#!#@

101 POSTS and counting

      • Why don’t I move?
      • Lyrics from SUBLIME WHAT HAPPENED song.
      • A rave about my shit life right now
      • Maybe I should just move

Mind over Matter. It doesn’t matter.

  • Have been trying to talk my stomach into getting better. It is not listening
  • Bad sleep. Feel really crap. Might just go to bed. Call it a mental health day.

Mental Health Day

47 DAYS. Eat shit Sam McBride

  • Psychologist idiot gives me another headache
  • Went to criminal court today for taking license back off police wanker and driving off whilst he was saying I should not drive off whilst under arrest or some crap
  • Lawyers are shit
  • Would everyone mind please hitting their own noses until they break to save me the bother. Thanks
  • Off to see family court lawyer. Relax. Reeelaaaaaxxxxx

So, do I sound like an idiot?

      • Easy answer is YES
      • Family court lawyer comments
      • Why yes, I will try the LSD, Fly Agaric, Psilocybin cocktail thanks…

DAY 48. Is my cock big enough, is my brain small enough?..

  • A racey title, but nothing worthy to follow
  • Money, banks, revolution and drug supply issues for 2013
  • Oil companies, banks, revolution and countries being sold to China
  • How am I? Stomach is stuffed.
      • Weight going on
      • Had a dream last night, burying dead people

Newtown. Simply the best.

      • Went to meeting in the locked Psych ward
        Met young lady with self harm issues, made a connection!
      • Did not get Newtown tattoo’d on my arm for nothing – It was a ruse to spend money so I couldn’t buy drugs. I ended up on drugs anyway. F.O.C drugs.

Day 50, counting is as boring as this blog…

  • BORING.
  • N.A. movie night – The Worlds End – absolutely crap.

NEXT PAGE OF SHITE…>

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