5) Self Esteem, Addict, Cancer & Stools

Self Esteem, Addict, Cancer & Stools

Posted on Wed 24 Jul by 

N.A daily reading is annoying me this morning. Might be time to stop sounding like a stuck record and either join N.A or fuck off from N.A. But this perch on the fence is still quite comfortable. Even with the wind and the earthquakes…

Over sensitivity, insecurity and lack of identity are often associated with active addiction.

Many of us carry these into recovery; our fears of inadequacy, rejection and lack of direction do not disappear overnight…

One of the miracles of recovery is recognition of ourselves… We need to let go of our masks and trust ourselves.

Okay, so I missed out a lot of the stuff, but the general jist is there.

They (N.A Führers) have covered their arses with “often associated” in the first line. And everything from there on in makes sense. It all comes back to self esteem for N.A. They are suggesting that ;

  • Addiction is a DISEASE (it isn’t)
  • Self Esteem is a SYMPTOM (*) we need to fix to recover

Interesting really. Self esteem issues follow us into recovery (according to N.A).

* — This is where their clever little “often associated” comes into it. They make this “programme” to suit as many fucked up individuals as they can. Some of whom are very clever, some of whom are not so. Covering bases and covering arses on such tricky topics is complex, and they have done a good job.

I would say that, if we blame self esteem for everything – and they are not far off the mark ;

  • Self esteem is the DISEASE
  • Addiction is the SYMPTOM

If we treat the self esteem by clearing the mind of its underlying mental health “pain & suffering” then we cure the addiction.

This does not mean the addict can go using again. The idea we can go using for a few days a week here or there is good, but risky. I ain’t willing to try it, and I have reasonable will power. Would an ex-smoker be allowed to spend a weekend smoking? I think not….

Let’s take all this a step further. Let’s say that mental health issues caused via attachment (or lack thereof) linger throughout life. They are what make us US. Without these little issues, we are completely different people.

The woman who devotes her whole life “selfishly to the causes of others” may have a nice funeral and a great headstone. But was she really happy doing this? Is it possible her need to help others was because she was not whole inside? YES YES and YES.

This would probably mean she developed undiagnosed breast cancer and died from related illness at age fifty.

I kid you not. The immune system responses to mutating cancer cells would be limited by the effects of the more than apathetic responses her internal systems would be able to create after years of being switched off, or switched on wrongly.

The saying “only the good die young” was used at my sisters funeral by one of her best mates when talking to me quietly afterwards. I nodded. This saying is completely apt actually. My sister was good. Well liked, would go out of her way for others. Etc etc. She died of lung cancer at age 37. She never smoked. She did over excersize in London and suck in a lot of horrible car fumes in the process. She may have had a lot of repressed emotions – god knows she was always active and doing things all the time. What drove her, I don’t know. She was popular, pretty enough and very hard working. In other words, GOOD.

She died young.

She died single. She died with no child. She died owing about half the cost of her house. Her house needed a lot spent on it. She died after coming back to New Zealand and not being her usual 100% self. I noticed it, she was a bit slower, a little out of sorts. She was dead a year later. But, typically, when diagnosed and prognosed, she decided to hang around for her best mates wedding (made that, and looks beautiful in the photos even though she was doing chemo and had scars all over her neck and chest from surgeons cutting) and then wanted to do a few things in Europe, did those. Then wanted to come back to New Zealand. She did that. Then she went and died. I think we could have got another six months out of her if my daughter was ten years older and had told her she was getting married!

I cannot quite join the dots on her mental health and her death. But I saw enough during her death to see that she was still wanting to be in control all the time. She would not relax, she always put on a brave face. She would be annoyed at having to ask for help. She always had time for her friends before herself. These are traits that her friends admired greatly – we both have these in big quantities. And yet I am adopted.

This is where I think it is time to admit my saving grace.

Thank god I was on opiates and benzo’s for twenty five years. Without hiding my emotions behind all of those I would probably have contracted and died from prostate cancer by now. No shit. Tell you about this another time.

That isn’t to say I am healthy, far from it. But far from dead too…

So, being angry, having too much hormones. Not enough hormones. All these things, and plenty more, have effect on the bodies immune system. Not to mention the well being and health of the organism we live in – Our bodies.

There are so many auto immune type problems that may be caused simply by problems of the brain. The brain effects the organism via various routes. If you are high strung, for example, are you fat or skinny? High strung is a good phrase too – High strung in brain, and high strung in tendons I would say! It’s not rocket science for fucksake. It’s neuro science. It’s all sorts of science. But it’s really common sense. If you are high strung, you are going to end up with a high strung problem. If you are lazy, you are going to end up fat and with heart disease. Maybe. Is being overweight and dying of related illness a disease, or is the fatness caused by some mental difficulty? Just saying.

No rudeness intended. I am a Scottish Irish Maori (1% Maori) who is pretty white and has red hair. I have a bit of a blood pressure issue and a short fuse. Stereotype much? Dead at sixty from cancer or heart failure. Will have arthritic hands and joints by fifty. The skin on back of hands will grow scaley. Bald spot by fourty, long eyebrows by fourty five and no hair by fifty five. Will get red nose, split vains and have major joint, tendon and cartilage issues. Will lead a life some consider mad unless finding a good woman to control him. How’s that for stereo typing? And, at the end of the day, it is probably about right. Everyone knows the red haired kid is a time bomb waiting to go off. Everyone.

I cannot say his name, but a famous actor used to come to N.A all the time. He got Parkinsons. Some would link his underlying mental status health with this disease. 

I would too.

Without re-writing another book (I am excellent at re-inventing the wheel – this has been proven) I will cut myself off here.

Please feel free to ask questions or tell me I am loony. But I do think my sister died of lung cancer because of the way she lived her life through the effects of her upbringing. Even if it was being overly health concerned.

Riding a bike and running marathons every week in London traffic is not that healthy at its most obvious level.

Why she thought it was is another question.


And now it is time for me to collect some stool and get needles stuck in my arms for blood taken out. GP thinks a stool test will show what is wrong with my stomach region.

Wow – A legit reason to talk about poos. I could go on for hours…

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