Board Shitless

Stuck at home, ankle bracelet attached, house a mess, bored. Some people come to visit… Which is awesome. Without them would have no food or happiness… But some random girl at 8am in the morning demanding breakfast and coffee when you’re asleep in bed?

Note to self – Start remembering to shut the front door…

Family Court papers need to be done, but have issues with that too . It is so upsetting that taking a million valium and sleeping until my kid is sixteen is a consideration. Right now it is my football teams training. And this… Well… What the hell…


Cannot go to the court in order to get their new requirements for submitting affidavits and the like. My criminal lawyer has all the paper as he used part of it to help get bail. I have to learn to put my foot down. Have two days to file 100 pages and don’t even have the documents that I am supposed to be replying to.

Have finally got appointment to get a Winz benefit... Having no income at all for 7 weeks before this happens is not good.

And then the 0800 EMBail “team” did not answer the Winz ladies telephone advances, so have not been able to confirm any of this. The Electronic Monitoring Bail requires all appointments to be confirmed and approved with days notice.

You know what… ?
(You don’t know what…)
almost guarantee it…

Being a druggy and having no life outside of drugs seems quite attractive just now. You may not deal with life on life’s terms, but at least you’re numb to all the pain.

I am lying in bed, pretty close to throwing in the towel.

Am used to confining myself to this flat to avoid trouble. Now it appears being confined here could result in worse.

Wonder if my old Spiritual Advisor (TM) is still talking to me?


Life is a shambles. 

With, or without, the gear.

All these little moods, depression and feelings of being worthless will pass.

The shambles may not.



Heroin & Mental Healthneedles
Learning The Difference Between Causation And Correlation

post written by Anne Martlew

The issue of heroin use and mental health problems is a vexed one. The psychiatric community is divided over whether heroin abuse causes mental illness, or vice versa. All are agreed that heroin use is A Very Bad Thing, and all are deeply fond of the idea that heroin use and mental illness are co-morbid, but none are entirely sure of the precise relationship between the two. Many psychologists appear to believe that heroin abuse can both cause and be caused by mental illness. This allows the label ‘mentally ill’ to be applied to people at both ends of the equation. The problems arise when the authorities are presented with a patient who shows no signs of present or past mental illness (other than their addictive disorder). Such people are puzzling to rehab specialists, and present the world of established addiction psychology with a troubling quandary.

> Cause Or Catalyst?

Like alcohol, heroin and other opioids are likely to exacerbate the symptoms of any mental health issues you are currently experiencing. Any heroin forum will quickly tell you that your state of mind when shooting up makes a huge difference to the experience you get from the drug. As there is no such thing as ‘absolute normal’, and we all have our little quirks, it is easy for people to present as ‘mentally ill’ while high due to the exaggeration of these quirks and the loss of inhibitions. The same is true of drunk people, yet we are not nearly so swift to categorize everyone who’s had one too many as an asylum-case. Some scientists also believe that prolonged opioid abuse can affect one’s neurological makeup, rendering heroin use a cause of mental illness rather than just a symptomatic catalyst. Increasingly, the medical community is beginning to focus on the idea that heroin abuse can both cause and exacerbate mental illness. This is a convenient idea. It’s one-size-fits-all, and it makes it much easier to apply labels to addicted patients.

> Convenient Labels

Of course, if someone has a pre-existing psychosis and a correspondingly flawed sense of judgement then they MAY be more likely to seek out mood-altering drugs than someone of a more ‘stable’ mind-frame. In such situations, mental illness could be said to be a factor within heroin abuse. It’s not unknown for heroin users suffering from psychoses to report that their more personally traumatic symptoms feel lessened while high – although they may return with a vengeance during withdrawal. But, of course, anyone suffers intensely during withdrawal. It’s very easy for a psychologist to look at the mental contortions one goes through while withdrawing and pick out any number of psychotic symptoms, which can be either retrospectively applied as a ‘pre-existing condition’ or described as issues caused by heroin. The problems really begin when a patient turns up who presents with no symptoms of mental illness. This is a problem for the medical community. Such people are much harder to label, and our current roster of treatments depends very much upon labelling people and then applying the treatment relevant to that label. Patients are rarely looked at as individuals beyond the process of trying to fit them into a treatment box. When someone turns up without an obvious neurosis or psychosis, then the authorities try instead to classify them as having a social or traumatic disorder. This is arguably a waste of time.

> Social Determinants

It’s definitely a good idea to tackle the social determinants of opioid use, but this should really be done at the source rather than after the event. Removing the supply and challenging the kind of conditions which cause some vulnerable people to turn to drugs would make a huge difference. But the authorities should also acknowledge that doing heroin is fun, and some people simply do it because they enjoy it. Bad for you, sure. Bad for society, definitely. But still fun. It’s all too easy for psychiatrists to concentrate too hard on constructing a mental illness or a sob-story for each patient and fail to recognize the fact that getting high is enjoyable, and enjoyment is a powerful motivational force. This all too often leads to them failing the patient, as they’re trying to treat a fabricated illness or trauma rather than help them to get clean and stay clean. While it may well be true that certain external factors like mental illness and social conditioning can make one more vulnerable to opioid abuse, if we try too hard to put people into the ‘mad’ or ‘traumatized’ boxes then we will never get to the real root of the problem. Doing opioids is fun, and it makes you feel good. Whether or not it makes you mad or bad is a secondary issue which should be treated as and when it arises, not as the rehab be-all-and-end-all. If we’re really going to get anywhere with tackling the problem of opioid abuse, we need to stop worrying so much about causation or correlation, and acknowledge that some people shoot up simply because they enjoy it. How we deal with that motivation is another issue – but it’s certainly something which needs to be acknowledged rather than brushed under the carpet.

Fiends Withdrawal Tales is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 4.0 International License.

I, NZFiend, have a lot to say. So much so that people constantly accuse me of pushing my own barrow. Gladly, there are people in the world without their own barrows that they perceive to clash with mine…
>so terribly sorry that I missed your email entirely. OF COURSE I WOULD LOVE FOR YOU TO DO ANYTHING YOU ARE IN THE MOOD TO WRITE!
>You can mention whatever you like, just be advised that non-de-plumes are entirely acceptable (and a pretty good idea in general!) 😉
>Even if you have written something AGAINST the general view of my writing, I will gladly post it here. Just to let you know, I am not all fire, brimstone, regression, annoyance and cheek. A few of my pieces have been picked up by other mental health and government sites if I would re-write them without any swearing or over the top parody. Of course, this would mean severe editing and re-writing. Things of which nature are allergic to me.
>Thank you for writing. It is always surprising and, admittedly, a little gratifying when a stranger takes the time to contact me regarding this wordpress blog… THANK YOU. Am in a little bit of a twisted undies situation right now and… Well… A few new emails really has cheered me and given me some hope. Thank you.

A little about me…
I worked in business management in the healthcare industry after studying literature.
On becoming a mother, I took a step back and decided to indulge my love of writing.
Since then I’ve written on a wide variety of subjects.

post written by Anne Martlew

Got dumped. I think. :-(

I need another kid,
not more adult babysitting

Saw a young couple I have chatted with at various op-shoppes in Newtown. Saw them the other day with my coffee mate, “NIGZ”. She walked slower to avoid the “boyfriend” noticing and gave me a huge and enthusiastic wave, smile and some decent”eyes”. For she has eyes. And legs. And a bloody good attitude.

Today I offered them both a lift…. For the first time ever. Don’t know why. Bored? Interest? Bored interest? I have just been dumped, of course.

I stop the car and jump out…

“How far you going, you want a lift?”  she was sweating, walking fast. The walk and the heat did not fully explain the amount of sweat.

“We’re going over to xxxxxxx to score some smack, and I’m late. So, yes” she says already having dropped boyfriends hand and sliding into front seat. An attractive slide it was too.

Turns out they were off to score some “smack” from someone I know of in Wellington. She did a little spiel, although very nice, culminating with something along the lines of “turns out I am a fucking junkie” with a classic self depreciating smile.

Look here my dear, you really think I would have talked to you about the need for safe injecting rooms and the amount of effort I went to in order to defeat hep C if I had not pegged you as a junky. 

– I did not say,
but did think all too loudly

“Turns out I am a fucking junkie” she says.

“Hope that’s working out well for you” says I…

“We’ll see” says she.

“How much is it costing you?”

“$120 a day, but only recently. Was $60 a day. But recently…..” she sighs, and loses train of thought, looks straight at me with eyes wanting help, but not wanting to quit. Just wanting cash.

I hold her gaze for a minute with the best blank look I can muster. Driving a car means ignoring passengers at 90 degrees away from the view over the bonnet.

We were almost at their destination. I have seen this sort of couple before. She is motivated, attractive and smart. She stands out in a crowd. Things will come to her, whether she likes it or not. She can manage most things herself. But her “boyfriend” is a slightly dopey guy who she can use to get in the way when she wants to. I do not know this for a fact in this instance, but in previous observations of this sort of couple, it is true that the “boyfriend” lives off her dregs and she supports them both in order for the “protection” a smelly male can provide without pre-amble. He will follow her around until she implodes or leaves his leash tied somewhere else. He may return to his bitter punk mates and take up drinking cheap alcohol. Probably won’t even go through withdrawals.

We reach our destination. She is starting to realise I am / was / is a fucken junky too. She’s looking for avenues. Obviously.

I ask if they have a safe place to shoot up and tell them both to take care. Real care.

If they had no real place to shoot up, what would I have done? Offered them my place? My car? If they had not been able to do it properly and caused marks and harm to their arms, would I have helped and shown them how to do it properly? Would I have shot them up if they couldn’t?

FUCK ME. No no no no no no no no no no no no.

That is enough to finish me off too. They need saving. When they are ready. A few dirty tastes and blocked veins may speed up the process.


She looked a bit rough around the edges. Sweating out skin pores that didn’t exist this time six months ago. Her boyfriend smelt unwashed. Old stinky Paul smell. These two people are a shame.

They remind me of me. TOTALLY.

And I hated older people trying to help or show me how to do things. Once there was an older lady, very petite, very sweet and (now I am older and aware) she was obviously an ex-junky. She snuck up behind me and pulled me to once side and could have said so much and taken me home and made me cups of tea and watched me withdraw and I would have loved her and not gone with stinky exhibitionist punk girls and gone to jail and had years of crap.

At least, not in her mind. Until the moment past and she looked away wistfully and off I went. I was 18, wearing black, tattoo’s coming out ripped singlet, hair a mess, black jeans, army boots, needle marks, and not giving a fuck.

Guess I was more like this young lady than the young guy.

Wish I could help this young lady in some way. So full of life and energy, yet today, hanging out, she had grown bitter. Not twisted. Not rejecting the world. But really wishing that she had given up. For a small period of time.  Before she scores and the world becomes sweet. Nice. Happy. The opiates flood her head. Feelings of accomplishment and fulfilment. I know. For I love that feeling. It’s just that it is FUCKEN FAKE. 

Real Life is spending time teaching a bunch of kids stuff that you love.

And seeing them love it.

And seeing your daughter love you for it.


Damn I hope my kid doesn’t become a junky. It wouldn’t be the end of the world. I just wish she wouldn’t.

With the knowledge gained from years of trouble, both her mother and I know what to look for.

Look at my life… Or, maybe don’t….

This girl whom just left my car left me with feelings of impossibility.

Kids will do what kids do.
Even if there is a fence at the top of the cliff they will climb it.
And, eventually, need the ambulance at the bottom.

Just wish I could fight it with them. Or for them.

This is half of what happened this morning.
The rest is here. 16 February 2015.

Need a real life.

If only there was more time…….


Not sure what to feel about this.

A post written in 2013 was called I GOT DUMPED. HELL YEAH. Couldn’t agree more with that old post. I got dumped. Best thing that ever happened to be fair. That person is back. At a distance. But that lovely young borderline personality disorder mess person is not the issue.

The issue is the really fun friend, whom I fucken loved spending time with… No shit. I really did appreciate the time spent with her… She is so much like me. So cheeky. So clever. So full of honest, brutal humour. The worst junky, punk, obnoxious fun possible. Without the junk, punk or beatings…

I loved spending time with her.

But then there was a serious moment or two.

And then, I can only guess, something or someone got into her mellon.

From a million texts and calls a day to ZERO over night, without explanation. I think my number is on her “blocked” list as rang it once yesterday and once today… Rung once and went straight to answer phone. Tried texting today (the text was three dots ““) and got nothing.

Guess I have been dumped. Flat. On face. Without even having a boot or bat slapped around the back of my head. Even if you don’t get a bat, or boot, it is nice to get a good-bye, an explanation, a final word.

Without this final word, some people would get really annoyed and even violent and stalkerish. Thankfully for the world I am not what you all make me out to be.

No matter how much fun being really annoyed, stalking and violent sounds, I promise you that is not me. 

Maybe it should be. Wouldn’t mind an answer as to what the fuck happened there.

Reading this blog may have done it. Ho hum. Ring me and tell me girl. You know you will see me around Newtown sooner or later anyway. Then what? You’ll run and hide for no reason? Fuck me. Who cares. I need more kids. Not more adult babysitting.

I am a real brother.

KATEAlthough currently listening to BROTHERHOOD OF MAN by MOTORHEAD quite loud at 8am in my block of flats, I feel this is somewhat tame.

Today is the deathday of my sister, Kate. Her birthday is later this year.

Dug up this graphic I did for the cover of the memorial service prints. Also did the inside, the back, the inserts. But, this graffix will suffice for these crappily written and ill thought pages.

You can see the house we grew up in behind the beach. You can see my car (most importantly, of course) too.

We had some good times on this beach.

I am a real brother.

Life was starting to take a new turn before Kate came back from the U.K weighing something like 35kg (she should have been 60 I would say). Kate ran, she biked, she walked, she sailed, she toured the world.

She is scattered in New Zealand.

Gabor Maté once corrected me when I suggested us ADhD types had “SHATTERED MINDS”. He was quick to point out the differences between SHATTERED and SCATTERED.

Kate is shattered.

I am attempting to spend the day SANS-SHATTERED myself.

Football training last night did my head in. Pulling my hair out. Twenty boisterous ten year olds to control. Is it wrong to diagnose ADHD, ANXIETY and other personality disorders whilst coaching your teams? I think not. WHY DO I HAVE TWENTY KIDS TO LOOK AFTER WHEN I HAVE TROUBLE WITH MY OWN ONE TEAM ANYWAY?!!! I got annoyed. I could not get them to listen for fourty five minutes. Finally they started getting it. One group of kids (my daughter was in this group)  started doing it properly almost straight away. The worst listeners… Well… The drill was to only kick the ball twice and PASS. The worst listeners were still dribbling the ball (one kid kicked 17 times!) AFTER TWENTY MINUTES. The worst listeners got their football taken off them… I then kicked the football as far as my back allows (about 60 metres) and they had to run and get it. If they did not run there and back, I would take it off them and kick it just as far the other direction. 

Something to be said for military style ADHD interventions.

Any Comments Gabor? Am sure my spiritual advisor would kick my arse. With a potentially penetrating appendage on her toes.

This took away my happy mojo. Went to a social gathering, did not see anyone I recognised immediately, so turned and left. Was only there thirty seconds. If that.

Guess I am a real brother.

Guess I do have some stress around my sisters death.

Guess I am okay.

Guess life and time changes.

Guess I am healing.

Guess I am recovering.


Shoulda been a more cleverer guy

This book is good. Have a couple of issues – one is finding the proper diagrams or figures (as those scholarly types call their rather lame efforts at design) near the applicable text – the other is, without further research, I ABSOLUTELY *REFUSE* TO BELIEVE THERE IS AN “ANTI REWARD” MECHANISM IN THE BRAIN. Surely it is just a LACK OF REWARD?!   Would have loved to hear the authors ideas on ADHD brain development.

Marc Lewis, you’re the man. This book is good, I could never write it. It is too clever. I could say something madly intelligent like
“this chemical stuff moves between that question mark bit and that other bit that looks like a suspension bridge from the side…”
“this electrical pulse thing makes this little hair thing move – like static electricity – you know dude?”

Marc would probably know exactly what that means. Everyone else would have to consult him.

I am not “the man”. Not in the slightest. I am a picky bugger who spends his whole life looking for problems, errors or stupidity. In so doing, the designer in me comes out. This “negative” thinking is positive. I am constantly spotting possible improvements.

If you are called a fuck wit, chances are someone thinks you’re a fuck wit. They may not follow your behaviour, thus proving my point. Being a fuck wit is positive. Just not for the fuckwit. 


You know what? I still say these recovery people, and even harm reduction advocates (I am one) are getting all this wrong. DO NOT STUDY THE ADDICT. Study the person with exactly the same childhood, exactly the same adverse events. Exactly the same brain. Exactly the same genetics. Study the person with all the potential to become an addict, BUT IS NOT A PROBLEMATIC ADDICT. 

(c) NZFIEND 2013

“Sorry NZFIEND, sometimes I forget you’re not a psychologist.”

That, dear readers, is some sort of praise. Coming from someone whom is months away from  majoring in the subject and spends hours a week talking with me.

“No need to apologise mate…”

He knows a lot about the broader reaches. I have my own theories on specifics.

Remember how, before recently giving up drugs, the thought that socialisation was the issue? Before ever hearing about Rat Park? Or how about how I hypothesised that ADHD was a left handed problem? There are always thoughts in our heads. Even if Ritalin does slow it to a crawl, I can still re-invent the wheel daily!

I can keep up with him. And him with me. We occasionally clash. But, more often than not, although what I propose seems silly at first, he will usually find a way to fit it into the structure of his learning.

Lately there have been a couple of things going on.

  • I found myself at home.
    In the “Leadership Addiction Day” with all these qualified psych, social, addiction people. Doctors, lawyers, CEO’s, authors… members of our right wing Government wearing bow ties even!… and felt comfortable discussing all their subject matter. Didn’t have to pull punches much. Talked to high up people just like they are my street buddies outside McDonalds or the soup kitchen. Saw some get upset and calmed them…. If there were scores to be given out for being a bum on a sickness benefit – they should give me a good one.
  • Absurdly…
    When thinking about it, the majority of my waking hours interacting with others or reading has been spent between the realms of attachment theories, globalisation, addiction, adhd and a list of brain parts and chemicals… Dopamine, serotonin and, of course, the opioids…. Gabor, Bruce and a number of stuffy old neuroscience people, combined with a bunch of recovery industry zealot authors…

    And now, maybe the person I should have been…! If only I had felt like giving up drugs ten or fifteen years sooner and could go out in public with a shitty old professors beard… Hahahahhaha. And allowed myself a few drinks in the evening. Unfortunately a few drinks in the evening, for me, leads to… Well… Stomach pumps and crime.

Should have been a clever guy. The physics tutor at high school wanted me to skip a couple of years and go straight to a physics course and by pass all the other sciences. Pity that didn’t happen. Got asked to leave due to drug supply rumours instead. Sold computers for $40,000 a year at age 16. Now THAT is a road to ruin. Let me tell you – Maybe another time.

Should have been someone more cleverer.

Instead I survive off NZ$69 a week and add to this shitty blog once in a while.

Just two weeks ago I spent the whole day being interviewed by police for drug supply, administration, dealing… The senior detectives obviously don’t read this blog. They suggested, with all seriousness, I should write a book.

It’s a life Jim. But not on this planet.

Left handedness. A curse from the devil.

Devils do not really do curses, do they? If I have trouble believing in god, then why should “devil” roll off my tongue so simply? Someone give me a big bag of smack. Stat.

Those who read these fabricated frolicking fiendish fables avidly (… hahaahaha …) will have read about my theories of left handedness.

I have an overwhelming compulsion to go study it for ten years and see what I come up with. But, in general, people with left handedness are very inclined to membership of the more “disordered” brain types. ADhD, autism, psychopathic traits… Definitely addiction, creativity, high achievers… Look at all the TV shows carefully. You will spot a disproportionate number of left handed people. Presidents, Prime Ministers, Artists… Don’t be fooled by all the “right handed” guitar players – As discussed previously, “left handed” is not really a black and white thing. They are lefties who play the instrument right handed.

Almost all of us “lefties”, “south paws”, or insert whatever colloquial name you prefer here ____________________, do some things right handed. So, once again, I suggest that all things are not black and white. All things are fifty shades of grey. A sliding scale of ambidextrous-ness….   I made a list for myself previously, it goes something like ;



  • Write & Draw, including pen for computer drawings
  • Knife hand for spreading stuff on toast
  • Main Kicking foot
  • Remote control use
  • Knee (self defence)
  • Baseball bat soft hitting (also puts me closer to first base with momentum)
  • Mouse for computer controlling
  • Knife and Fork revert to right handed use once I have carved a large hunk of meat or finished spreading stuff with left hand
  • Although feels odd when I have to use it, I score more goals in football with this foot
  • Smart phone single handed usage
  • Throw
  • Punch
  • Fall (I slide or parachute roll by falling onto the right naturally)
  • Cricket Bat
  • Tennis
  • Baseball Bat hitting out

If you ask almost any (insert your own colloquial name) ________________________ what they do left and right handed, and really push them, you will find some things that actually are indicative of right handedness in the mix.

In a perfect world, which we all know does not exist and is actually getting further away with each passing minute, I have an astounding revelation that all people should be right handed.

The brain development processes that start before birth and major influences in first year of life dictate how certain bits of our frontal lobe develop. This, in turn, leads to more growth and nuero pathways being created in some areas, but an astoundingly large deficit in others. I have found no real data to back this up, nor have I looked. It is a formative theory at this stage.

Call it “FIERY FIENDS FUNDA-MENTAL FURORE beta rel1.666a” if you will. Or, FFFFb(rel1.66a) for short.

Let us presume, with all innocence of any conflicting facts, that the brain has a finite ability to grow and a fairly finite time frame to do so. Let’s say we fuel the growth with nutrients.

A science test you, too, can do at home…

We have three brains growing away quite happily from foetus stages in separate pots on our shelf. We supply all the brains the same amount of fuel, nutrients, daylight, whatever it is that they power their growth with.

We then tell one brain it is not going to be sociably accepted by giving it a decent tap on the right frontal lobe.

I say right, but now I cannot remember which side. It may be left. Sorry about that. Kind of ruins my story a little.

Anyway, we tap one brain a bit and it under develops that bit.

(in this case it will lead to problems with emotions, happiness, feeling loved… And lead to dopamine errors which will then lead to all sorts of things. Look it up elsewhere. I cannot remember what books, references or idiots said this. Physics in Mind and various other publications from this decade about Neuroscience and Attachment Theories anyway…)

This then means that the brain then has enough fuel to develop more pathways and connections elsewhere. Like the rear wheels on a car. If one wheel is spinning in the wet it has no traction, although the other wheel is still driving car forward at same speed (LSD diff)… If you are cornering, the motor is staying the same speed, but the inside wheel travels less than the outside. So, the rear axles are still getting the same power, but one wheel is turning faster.

A lot of ADhD and left handed people are generally considered “creative”. I would suggest we are more on the autism scale of brain development. Quite honestly, if nothing is black or white, but everything is fifty shades of grey, then us lefties are leaning towards Rain Man.

This can make us extraordinary. Or, with the wrong environment, completely mad and antisocial psycho wankers. Just look at our esteemed Prime Minister, John Key, Americans George W. Bush & Bill Clinton.

In addition to indications of dislocation in the life circumstances of people who later become addicted, there are frequently visible indications of dislocation in their individual temperaments. Visible temperamental problems that are likely to precede addiction include depression, hyperactivity, chronic pain that interferes with normal life activities, a reduced attention span, heightened emotionality, alienation, personal insecurity, anxiety, conflict with parents, a sense of meaningless, and a perceived loss of control*. A different line of research reveals that a variety of minor biological abnormalities, tremor, and electrophysiological ‘disinhibition’. Even left-handedness and a family history of left-handedness appear to correlate with the severity of alcoholism**. The fact that such an extraordinary diversity of of minor problems correlates with later addiction fits the dislocation theory, if it is assumed that almost any deficit, even one as minor as left-handedness, decreases the prospects of complete psychosocial integration.

Phew. What a bloody mouthful. This is from Globalization of Addiction, page 155 and is a bit of a stretch for me to be frank.

Hey Frank…
NZFiend is being you for a while.
Yeah, agreed.

So, no matter what Frank says, I take issue with the final sentence of Esteemed Esquire Bruce K. Alexander’s seminal work at this point.

“…such an extraordinary diversity of minor problems…”

To me, Bruce, they are not extraordinarily diverse. They are minor problems symptomatic of one larger issue.

Diverse Minor Problem

ME (a Major Problem)

Worked this out way too late in life
Always thought of this as a positive
…chronic pain that interferes with normal life activities
Always thought this was why I liked opiates and getting wasted all the time.
Although, this too, took me a few years to work out. It wasn’t until a did a year or two clean that I realised how much f cken pain I was in!
… a reduced attention span
Although, again, did not realise it until later in life.
Lucky I had a good teacher when young who always kept us busy (demanding, hard and abusive were what other students called him!)
…heightened emotionality
Although this could be because I have the emotional age and responses of a typical eight year old.
hard to say if this was the cause, or the outcome.
… personal insecurity
Impossible to have all these traits without the odd state of overwhelming insecurity
Socially shy
…conflict with parents
hard to say if this was the cause, or the outcome.
…a sense of meaningless
Constantly. Always feel I should be doing something. Get really depressed, anxious and emotional about feeling meaningless actually.
Go figure.
…perceived loss of control yes
Why, on my blog I wrote a post about this just a few days ago.
…tremor yes
Although not saying this online before, I have had a few tremor type things. I get a spasm movement like “someone walked over my grave” almost daily. It is hard explaining it when people notice. My blood sister died of seizure in bath tub (drowned)
…electrophysiological ‘disinhibition’ ?
Cannot say for definite, but I would fall off my chair sideways if there wasn’t some of that going on.
I have given myself a headache just thinking about it.

ncbi.nln.nig.govIf you are anything like me, and I prey you’re not, you would have taken two hours to type this into WordPress. You would have just finished reading The Neurobiology of Opiate Motivation-2 online as you got side tracked from reading about electro-physiological dis-inhibition. Which is something I feel is also dependant on the way the brain develops. You will also not want to read this article I just read. Seriously, don’t…!

Statistics show left-handed people are more likely to be drug dependent, delinquent, dyslexic, ADhD, have Crohn’s disease and ulcerative colitis, as well as schizophrenic and other mental disabilities. We are also more likely to die young and get into serious accidents. Weirdly, all these same traits are also increasingly relevant to “addiction” of all forms. More statistics – The murder rate in Dioula of Burkina Faso in West Africa was only 0.013 murders per 1,000 residents each year, 3.4 percent of the population were left-handers. Meanwhile, over in Eipo of Indonesia there are three murders per 1,000 people each year. They have 27 percent lefties. It is also argued that lefties do better in a predominantly right handed population because they are different. Think about it, a bit of a difference, makes all the difference! ***

If we flick back to our three brains in bottles on the shelf – Our third brain gets a lot of good stimulus and positive experiences. It gets taken down off the shelf and gets taken on outings. We take it to the plays, sights and shopping malls around our area. We are careful to shield it from too many adverts and TV, for fear of turning it completely ADhD. This brain will be a normal right handed superior brain.

The other two?

Well, the other two are spawn of the devil.

One of which will be left handed.




* Peele & Brodsky (1975); Kielholz and Ladewig (1977); Tarter et al (1985) ; Newcomb & Harlow (1986); Deyken et al (1987); Peele (1987); Tarter & Edwards (1987); D. Hurley (1991); Rosenblum et al (2003)
**London 1986
*** I should be bloody Buddha with lines like that.

100% original. Wow, clever leftie me.

Look! A Distraction.

CLICK MEI am not anorexic, I just swapped my breakfast for crack.

Just in case you had not worked it out yet, I am an ADhD identifying drug dependant fourty year old white man. I don’t know which of these is worse.

  1. ADhD 

    Yes, that is a lower case H. It is that way to signify ATTENTION DEFICIT (hyperactivity) DISORDER.

This makes sense in a number of ways – I have attention deficit. And this is a disorder, both in experience of me and my experience of the world. Hyperactivity is a small side effect of this. In fact, the mother of my daughter once was asked by a judge to say one positive thing about me. Before you could blink she had blurted out “he has amazing energy and is always doing something.”

In future, when the judge asks her to name bad things about me, she could say “he has amazing energy and is always doing something rather than what he should be doing…”


    Using drugs in a manner to improve ones lot in life is one thing, but constantly getting out of hand and becoming unmanageable is another matter entirely.


And then there is the issue with supply and demand. My penchant for gaining PhD in the finer points of “illicit pharmaceutical substance supply chain dynamics ™” via the school of life.

    And everything that goes with turning fourty soon. Well, it wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have arthritis in the spine, Cauda equina syndrome (CES) after effects and a whole bunch of injuries from leading a life with the foot constantly on the go pedal.


Hell, I cannot even build a simple house with shooting myself with nail guns once every two years, falling through floors or roofs twice in six years or filleting my thumb… I was being finger printed the other day at the police station and they take prints from the outside of your hands. I commented on this as being silly. The officer said “no, maybe you leant on a wall or something..?” I said “ah, mate, I don’t think I have ever touched anything with that part of my hand in my life…” I turned to show the other officers… “Look here, it is the only part of my entire body without pronounced scaring…”

Combine this with the ADhD fourty year old trait of having stiff, inflexible joints and you have a picture of a sixty year old man whom has had a hard life.


    Contrary to popular culture myth, the middle aged white man is not a good thing to be. Well, it isn’t if you aren’t a fat, Audi driving, suit wearing, pompous fuck head.


You get shat upon by all manner of people. I get shat on by the ingenious culture for not being black enough. I get shat on by the corporate world for not being corporate enough.  I get shat on by females, however much some people may get off on that, I don’t. The only people I don’t get shat on by is the society drop outs and drug addicted. And that is probably because they are too busy shitting on themselves.

I am on the Maori electoral roll in New Zealand. I keep my Maori bit hidden well under my Scottish Irish exterior.

I will be write back after this song from local Wellington group, Trinity Roots

The biggest problem of all these is 1) ADhD. The drugs would help me with that. Keep me under control a little. Since giving up drugs I have been using a lot of caffiene. By a lot, I mean quite a bit. Like, I have a cup of really strong coffee at 10pm before bed. And I sleep well. This is a major discovery for me actually. Am very happy about this.

Am having trouble working out what to do with my broken skinny white ass. Long term.

Hopefully the latest person from the medical profession will be some use. I am meeting a head boss psychiatrist man and his registrar at 3pm on Monday. Hope Sam McBride has forwarded some of my emails containing posts from this blog.

Would be nice to walk in and know that they have a heads up. Saves me doing it.

graphic from