Serenity is being free to pick your own snot…

Apologies to everyone whom has witnessed me struggling with nose issues (picking and digging at phantom pains and non existent snot balls) for last five months since nose surgery…


This nylon stitch was removed from right nostril by a very fed up and irritable NZFiend utilising excessive force of left handed pinky finger nail.

Life maybe shitty, homeless, avoiding jail by skin of teeth, avoiding opiate addiction even though legs numb by spine clicking out causing agony…

Being able to pick and blow your own nose at will is true freedom.


God, Grant, Me and the spaceship, Serenity

It is wet and wild outside.
Love to have a coffee and go for a walk.
I have no milk, but ate a can of tuna.
And, couldn’t help myself.

Just started waving the mouse around my old Photoshop 7…
I present to you….

God, Grant, Me & the spaceship, Serenity

You cannot see the picture that small. Click on it.

The good ship Serenity as from 2002 TV show “Firefly” and the 2005 movie “Serenity

(explanation added as people were just not making sense of it)
(which amazes me. Did you all not make sense of the Little Green Men posts I made?!!!)

Wow, I got some email from a blog reader!

Some more mail. This is excellent. It wasn’t even asking me if Lorde is on drugs. Shame. Secretly I think she is.  So there.

This guy is concerned his mate is having seizures when not consuming alcohol. He asked for a bit of advice.

I am not a doctor (and therefore have no barrow to push)… This is what I said…

Hey there mate, BENZO’s are your friend here. Valium, Halcion (my personal old friend – duh, I mean favourite…) or even the commonly prescribed recent ones like Zopiclone.

Be very careful – The GP’s are all clowns and think that Zopiclone has little abuse or addiction potential. It is more addictive, and faster so, than ValiumWhenever they bring out a new drug they say all these wonderful things about it. But then turns out to be marketing crap. FIle class action lawsuits and sign me up. Don’t tell the Doctors that Zopiclone is just as bad as their old “evils” as they may stop prescribing it and do even more damage!
It’s a bugger really. If you have seizures due to alcohol withdrawal, you will probably have similar withdrawal effects from the benzo’s. The benzo’s are easier to maintain (with a prescription) and are also less damaging to vital body organs (the brain being one of them!) but are really so similar to alcohol in many regards that your head may not work out the difference.
It may be a bit much to ask most GP’s, but having an injection of Propofol (the shit that killed Micheal Jackson), Lorazapam, Midazolam (benzos) or similar will help during acute episodes. (Midazolam = Awesome by the way.)
Using small amounts of benzo is probably not a bad idea in the slightest. 
Otherwise, go and check out some of the anti-abuse products (ugly, but effective by all accounts) 
Like I said, I ain’t a doctor. No advice I give should be acted upon without very much consideration given to the fact that I am a bona fide drug crazed psychopath.
Yours Sincerely, and with leather whip in hand,

It is 10am, Saturday, shotgun, please

Since only having had minimal sleep due to ground clearance issues with the approaching thought train of family court issues the night before, I took a zopiclone. Yay. Slept eight hours straight. This is an issue. Sleep is your friend. Sometimes I wish it was mine too. Like Serenity. I would love some of her. But am constantly hounded by her slutty sister, Slumber, instead.

Particularly when in jail actually. Serenity. Sleep. Would be nice. Most people get a six month sentence and that is that. I get a six month sentence and spend 20-23 hours awake pacing and fidgeting and generally being unwell.

But I still have had a real hard time of it the last few days in particular.

I cannot face court, legal, police or family court paperwork. I will do nothing until the very morning of the court date. Yesterday I didn’t even bother taking the affidavits and things I filed in previous weeks. I took no notes. This is very ADhD. It is what it is.

Just said my piece, made it very clear to all concerned that they are complete man hating lesbians or spineless and walked out.

Shit, now feel that the story needs a bit of beef…

Walked to court, thought about going and printing out the paperwork that I had on USB stick but didn’t want to disturb the person who has helped with this before. So walked very slowly to court to fill in half an hour. Got there with ten minutes to go and sat downstairs. There is a public foyer upstairs with a balcony that looks down. The security guy looks down, I look up. My headphone are blaring out some CRADLE OF FILTH album.

Sisters of Mercy cover by Cradle of Filth… One of their quieter efforts…

Security guy looks down, I look up, smile. Give him a thumbs up. He blinks and grins. Samoan guy, not young with it either. Would be too slow to stop me if I did launch at someone. Easily sidestepped. Easily ran away from. No drama at all. Easy.

Anyway, negative thinking everywhere. And not a spot of drink.

I see movement above, so look up. Take one ear out of headphones and hear RMG lawyer saying “I have some new paperwork, come up and get it.” I say “How about you come down and give it to me, or simply throw it over the banister. Or better yet, how about just putting it straight into the rubbish bin for me and save me the effort?” Sho has already walked off. She said “I have paperwork, come and get it” like a boss ordering a new worker on the building site.

I sat where I was until court time with headphones back on. Did not bother looking back up.

At court time I went up, but the last case was taking a bit longer. So I sat down. In a break between songs I heard some talking to my right. I turned and saw RMG’s lawyer there again, so took an ear out and said “I could not hear you. How about you try talking to me like a human? Like, come around in front of me, make communicational links, and then communicate? Try that…” So saying, I put my headphones back on and ignored her. She dropped some papers onto my lap. I brushed them onto the seat next to me, unopened and went back to my Cradle of Filth meditation.

I saw her go and make air craft traffic controller motions with the security guy for thirty seconds. The security guy looked at me, I looked back, shrugged and winked. He gave me a discrete thumbs up. We got called into the courtroom.

I walk in first, hold door open for security guy and then let door close in front of RGM’s lawyer. I sit in my seat, listen to their crap, retaliate with some of my own, the judge agrees with two points I make and changes the course of the following weeks to suit. The lawyer for my child pipes up with a lot of total shit that any school teacher could tell was garbage, but this is what the court is placing the future arrangements between me and my daughter on. Garbage.

I say “of course my daughter would say that. There is no way she would rock the boat of her main caregiver and family whom she has learnt absolutely hate me. Of course she would side with them, as she now sees it as two sides. She is not thick. Most of what is in the report from lawyer for child is completely false and misleading. The rest is misleading by omission. “

The judge ordered various other people to make reports (against the wishes of the lawyer for child who saw no reason for a child counselor or psychiatrist to look into the situation! Unreal!!!) and set down a date for three months away.

In the meantime, no access at all. No phone calls. No nothing. And this is what they are teaching young people today… If you have annoyance issues with someone, even your Dad, you can simply get them taken out of your life and returned whenever you want. Like disposable product packaging. Only 6ft tall with tattoo’s.

And my daughter has an operation coming up on her eyes. Which I will know nothing about and will not be allowed to attend, send my wishes or even (like most Dads) come along and support her at the hospital.

Fucken family court. Seriously are retarded. Please explain how just cutting her Dad out of her life whenever you feel like it is good for her emotional, spiritual growth and family attachment to love and consistency?

The only consistency I get from hitting my head against the brick walls is a constant headache and a consistent knot in my stomach, a consistent ulcer and a constant feeling that I would be better off shooting everyone in family court.

Other than the security guy. He’s the only male there after all.

Damn, sorry about that. This post was going to be about the beggars and homeless in Wellington getting shafted by a new council “initiative”. I started to think about my daughter giving the homeless guy her last chocolate bar a month ago. It made me happy and proud. You wouldn’t see her doing that with her Mums wannabe high class, but always just a loser, Dad around. Dave shithead Gilmour. The guy who said before my daughter was born “NZFiend, I will personally see to it that you are never a father to our baby…”

Yes, him. Dave (David) Gilmour. Asshole. Highest order asshole of the First degree.



Note to self – Will be positive later. Promise.

DAY 13 or 14 Following Advice of Self

Warning, I have re-read this page two days later and realise that I was quite contentedly going very insane. I am not going to edit this page, contrary to my over riding instinct to maintain a semi sensible front. This is what I typed, in this age of digital community it is easy to lose the bad (and good) in the cloud of data that gets re-written each day by the trend and fluctuations of society. Take it for what it is. The aimless ramblings of someone half a second away from becoming plotless.

Listening isn’t a junkies strong point –

As it happens – Listening to self is problematic too. Advice given recently, BREATHE, RELAX, have a think about it. Whatever you want to say in your new age sensitive way – Centre yourself, calm. Inner peace & Serenity.

Well fuck.

So this guy laughs at me and I smash his sternum with my shoulder. Fair enough.

I have had my daughter this weekend and have not been to a N.A. since thursdays abortion where my brain is going a million miles an hour and I have an idea that everyone there can either not keep up or want to shoot me fill of smack and send me on my way depending on how intelligent they are.

My poor little girl. She is so cool. She is the only reason I am still here.

Here, at present, is my home. A crappy shit hole of a place where I sleep and avoid. Unless I am on day 13 or 14 of withdrawing from 70mgs of methadone a day. In which case I am here a lot.

My daughter was here with me today. It should have been yesterday but I rang her mum and got my mum to pick her up so I could consume six times the daily limit of Zopiclone and got something close to twelve hours of laying down. She came over this morning, had a good enough morning. Went to a thing at lunch time, went to half an N.A meeting tonight. Just got fed up. Other than the one time I got asked to share no one has ever asked me anything… I am going through a bad time with a lot of stress and yesterday I almost had a complete bona fide metldown. I was chasing people to hurt them. I was not in control. I need sleep, and ADHD treatment.

I avoided N.A. as none of them would give a fuck. Their all too busy in their own little worlds of “oh I feel so challenged about going to this costume party”. FUCK UP YOU IDIOT. I HAVE NEVER BEEN INVITED TO A CUSTOME PARTY IN MY LIFE EVER. I HAVE NEVER BEEN INVINTED TO MY FRIENDS WEDDINGS. The time I see my friends kids is on facebook for a minute as and soon as I try saying “hey can you put me in touch with your dad” the report me for groooming underages or something!

It’s a c ustome party. Put a sheet over your head and tell them you the ghost of a cow.

SO, I had some serious stuff I really need to get a bit of help with. But I also needed to get back to my daughter who has playing PS3 R16 game and go for an hour bike ride to take her to grandmas.

Theat is another thing. My sisters room is now Kates room. Everything I remember of Kate is in that room. And my daughter,

I saw my loverly daughter whom I love more than anything, I would pick up and use drugs right now if would save for from some hard.

I may have to stop writing the log. My daughter hit me. HARD when I tried to the nine year tuck into bad thing.  had one quick breath  and then i thumbed her with a glancing blow across her back. Of would have bee just as hard as she hit me, not more sore. I haeve a headache an hours later as she hit me in that same space a large metal bar opened up six months ago. I got headached and my duughter got  a little calmed lasp across her back half a second late.

I’m stuffed. I an im truoble with this withdrawr.

My feelings around comming back. And some of those I would be better off avoiding.

Strong love for daughter

Strong hate of her mum for scrwing me over.

I am sad. My day is just of requiring for a long long cry. And I might. So fuck of four six hous.

DAY TEN of methadone withdrawal. NIGHT TIME

Holy crapo bugger me batman.

What’s that Robin?

Me legs are a shakin. Elvis Preistley has nothing on me bro.

Go figure Robin, you’re a twat. You jumped off the methadone you turkey.

Cold. Batman. Cold turkey. Get it? Hahahahahaahahhaaaaa.

Robin, you’re such a cock.

I know Batman. I am off to the Batmobile to see if last time we did a builders job we left an old heap of plastic sheet in the back.

Suffering men tights Robin, what are you on about?

It is misty and rainy out tonight. And I want to go camping in the grass on top of that grassy little knoll over yonder.

Fuck you are a mug Robin.
It is eleven at night, you are due in court first thing in the morning, you have not written your reports for the commissionaire. Bugger off then. See if I care.

Already doing my boots up Batman. Laters…..

And so, our capped crusader was left without his trusty sidekick, who swished out the door in an alarmingly androgynous manner. Not really as completely poof as reading “OUT” magazine in public, but definitely not staunch. And most definitely not with a “cap-pow” logo flashed on the screen in yellow and red for half a second….

Wow, that did me some good. Unfortunately the mist and rain really set in and drenched proceedings a little too much. Found a patch to settle down on. Had gorse in the mix of grass. Needed some more clothing to make a pillow and could have gone to sleep maybe. View was out over Newtown. Was looking straight at the room where my sister died a few weeks ago in Wellington Hospital. That is a good thing. I now own her digital camera so took a photo or two. Now I have to get these soaked boots off and try a snooze in bed. Have not got any sheets or covers left without that fat black chicks smell all over them. She has to learn not to jump into my body to do her hanging out for her. 

I should have written a five thousand word essay on getting arrested illegally and bill of rights breaches. But I have not bothered. It would only make me angry. I am chasing the dragon again. This dragon is a mellow old thing called Serenity. She is stunning.