Outside the Realm of the Hungry Ghosts

Gabor Matè had some good advice to hand me when deciding giving up drugs was do-able and realising my ADHD issues where problematic.

He told me to read his books. This, of course, required me to purchase them. Upon reading, and having some eureka moments along the way, I have forever been bestowing the virtues of this man and his work. Subsequently he told me that “they” (yes, you – Wellington Addict DisServices and other backward thinking service providers) could not be pushed into reading his work, they would have to find it for themselves. I have been pushing them ever since. There are many examples of this working. People have been purchasing and reading this work of his. Gabor then suggested to me that “I should probably pay you a commission, but won’t…”

It is not for my gratification that I write his name repeatedly. It is to re-inforce the work he does, one more time. Although being a broke bum with no hope of real worthy capitalist employ, the meagre offerings of book sales commission from an old Jewish Addiction Doctor from Canada does hold little appeal.

One of the first thoughts around a little of his work is to be found here — CANCER IS NOT ADDICTION —

Like most of my work, this is basically sans editing. There is little proof reading and even less effort into producing a document the masses could be bothered with. However, this writing, and others, received some praise from people wanting to link to it, or publish it, if only I would re-write it… Do a spelling check… Not swear quite so much… Withdraw any possible sexual innuendo… And make more sense… Hell, did they really expect proper APA referencing?… PISS OFF, NO FUCKEN WAY. However, there were some subsequent messages from some people who take this sort of thing seriously… One comment of “hey look — this guy [doctor Bob from USA] has been reading your blog… [link]…” I should do some of these guys for plagarism. Or, at least, being on such a similar wavelength they are jamming my brain waves from producing more interesting thought process. 

GABOR talked of his addiction of compulsively buying classical music from shoppes and avoiding the issue of time, finance and the overwhelming desire of his wife to find storage space anywhere in his cluttered shrine to classical music that his wife would prefer to call a house.

GABOR went to Narcotics Anonymous meetings and displaced the “Narcotics” for his “Classical Shopping” problematic addiction.

It seemed to make some sense. Other N.A members commented that his problem and him “were in the right place”.

I have issues with “right” place. Maybe “correct” place. Should fit better. Really… RIGHT and WRONG are incorrect terms… 

• https://nzfiend.wordpress.com/stories/just-shut-up-and-read-this-all-of-this/
  If you read it all, I will buy you a joint to help your self medicating requirements… Email me when you’ve finished…

• https://nzfiend.wordpress.com/2013/09/03/left-handedness-a-curse-from-the-devil/
  Original thought on LEFT HANDED problems and people. Turns out that no one can understand a word of what I write. Too bad. 

Which brings us, finally, to the point of this post.

http://substanceforyou.com/addictions-and-compulsions-not-know-about/ 

^^^ This is the point. An article on other addictions. ^^^

My latest addiction is, most definitely, a thing of major problematic variety and appears very similar to the much maligned “Death By Duvet”.

Have not filled out paperwork under New Zealand’s Official Information of Privacy Acts to demand information from the Police and other agencies in regards to their seemingly unlawful actions.

This latest addiction could just kill me. 

Have started avoiding emails… People whom were helping me have not heard from me for a week. I feel I am letting them down. I know I am letting myself down. And yet the news show at 6:30pm – 3D #3D_TV3 – got me writing on the computer again. This 41 minutes has been good for me. But am more interested in going to bed and watching pirated MP4’s of BANSHEE and real life advert laden TV3’s WESTSIDE at 8:30. Having hacked in four thousand words last weekend discussing the dangers of home release bail compared to prison (and spent hours editing – for once the subject and writing was worthy of real effort) only to have the computer crash, I have been having very severe anti feelings to all things computer. And all things life in general to be fair.

On Friday I watched SEVEN complete films, including WATERWORLD (which I quite enjoyed). This, very similar to computer game addiction, is probably very much in line with becoming dangerously and problematically depressed.

I need help. Admitting there is a problem could be the first step. The second may well be getting out of this bloody cell I am imprisoned within – me.

Unfortunately this is outside the REALM OF THE HUNGRY GHOSTS. And probably more in line with PAUL WOOD. He may just have something newsworthy to say on this… Although, this is becoming a shameless product placement, I don’t care. For PAUL was an inspiration to me in jail. Similar ages, and he held his head up against all odds during his trial and back in jail. See, I was there…

I feel the need to switch off for a few months. Being stuck at home 24 / 7 when you live alone and run out of milk is NO FUN. Not being able to see your kid is NO FUN.

Using heaps of drugs, switching off and being able to “hang in there” is less NO FUN.

My happiness deficit will diminish with the use of drugs. 

(So may the chances of me finding a life diminish equally in proportion to this drug intake)

EMAIL from a blog reader… And ball kids at pro footy game…

Astounding me is the ability of service providers to tell the Government that health consumers are happier than ever (etc etc)… Apparently the consumers have a “strong” input into services and the changing of the way services are provided.

What a load of shit.

I get email from readers of my blog sometimes. And all the people I talk to on the street. I just got one such email from a guy “S” whom has contacted me before. We have all the same issues as eachother. As does other people. Mr “A”, whom really hates the services in Wellington and has talked about burning the building… Same stories. Every where. ALL THE TIME.

If only 1% of service users say “they are happier with the service” the Government will be told “more people than ever are happier with our services“. The truth is NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON WAS POSITIVE ABOUT THE SERVICE LAST YEAR. 1% NOW SAY THEY ARE “HAPPIER“.

This is a positive to the people that need the Governments money.

To the rest of us, it is a load of old bullocks.

Another person whom supports me and the crap I do has been writing.

Another “S” has been in Mental Health Ward again recently. He “suicided” late last week and was taken off life supports today. He is breathing for himself for first time. Send him your love. 

All these stories just don’t stop.

They keep coming. And the way the service providers deal with them has got worse.

Yet, they must show growth in this capitalist world. And that they are.

ASSHOLES.

All these stories just don’t stop.
Yet, I am the only one attempting to bring them to you?

…

My daughter was a ball kid at the big game on Friday night. Being parent helper was awesome too. Got a pass to go ANYWHERE in the stadium, but just stood on the field near the left hand corner flag. You can see me on tv replays filling up the back of some shots with computer game tattoo’d arms.

The best part of the night… The PHOENIX event organiser comes past and asks if the kids are behaving themselves.

“YES” says me

“Oh really, WHAT ABOUT YOU?” she says somewhat too encouragingly…

“ME? I feel you need to give my arse a decent hard slapping“

After a quick look of shock passes, “Heheheeh, you may be held to that….“

Made a new friend there……… A little worried the microphones stationed only a few foot away picked it up on TV broadcast. But hey, she chuckled without ill feeling when I mentioned that possibility and we really should have swapped numbers. Although that may allow her many beaus to find ways to smash me…….

 

…….

I am having a TOTALLY SHIT DAY TODAY.

Sometimes I just feel useless. I saw less of my daughter over the school holidays than I do during normal weeks. Combinations of being arrested, other childrens’ birthday party plans and football have left me feeling lonely and useless. Some friends (girls mainly) appear to have ditched me having not replied to any contact from me… One girl I really like, for she really does think and help others, has flown the coup.

So, I go and visit Dad.

The same Dad whom always argues, always tells me I am wrong. Always told me I am ugly.

Just why I would go to my parents house for the first time in months when I need some family and love is beyond me.

What a fucken stupid thing to do.

Now am just getting through the day without doing anything stupid. When your definition of stupid has widened to include “getting out of bed” you know you’re in trouble.

Lucky I have a kid and no drug addictions. Means you just have to look positively.

Self harm is not beyond us. Any of us.

…………….

Twenty years ago I was involved with doing some of the first live internet broadcasts out of New Zealand.

http://www.racetothesky.co.nz was one of them.

MONSTA HAS JUST CRASHED OUT OF THIS EVENT.

I should have been there. But, then again… Maybe not. Running around these events, using drugs, perving and inhaling jet fuel…

Triggers.

Better off staying at home feeling like the world sucks.

For it does.

 

 

When unable to sleep at night…

Sleeping and rest were / are an issue for the recovering addict.

More so, it seems, in the social economic controlling influence of the environment some of ourselves find surrounding us.

Last night the natives (hoaries as I have started affectionately calling them – or is the effectionately?) had huge arguments, women screaming, threatening and abusing. Slaps fired. Handbags at dawn. All the usual crap that comes from these idiots drinking their benefit payments away whilst the kids sit screaming in another room.

So, not for the first time since living here …

Hell, not even the first time this week. I had my daughter on Tuesday night and had to go out and “break up” a fight in the stairs outside my apartment at 9.30. She had only gone to bed at 9pm, but pretended to be asleep when I went to check on her afterwards.

Not a skill, or strategy, I would like my 11 year old girl to have in her “coping mechanism” basket.

So, not for the first time since living here there was an instance of me having to wake and fail to return to void space that is usually dreamless sleep.

Since being awake, I thought it a good idea to put on a DVD. Unfortunately the DVD recommended to me by the old skin gang guy from a block by the zoo was SPUN.

Although entirely enjoyable, not 100% sure any half decent psych’ would recommend this course of action.

Admitting that drugs are good and without them I would be in jail, institution or death… Admitting I am useless and handing it all over to a higher power. Hell, forget the drug scenes. They got me going.

Where there is drugs, there is, surely, sex and rocknroll.

Finally dozed off after movie about 5am. Woke at 7. Feel like a hit. 

 

My kid will be voting soon…

I really hope they are successful in replacing inpatient acute services with a guest house model influenced by the Trieste model where centres operate as street-front facilities where people can get help early and are treated more like guests than patients, with no locked doors or use of restraints.

May they survive any backlashes, In Wellington we know from experience that these type of services can be hard to get off the ground…

Kites trust, via FaceTubes

Sam McBride, with his diagnosed dyson vacuum cleaner disorder*, was one guy pushing for a house in Island bay, Wellington. It was a good idea, and he may have done well in this role. Unfortunately the community all freaked out and Sam ended up shafting poor assholes like mine in Addiction DisServices instead.

Sam, once a nice young student with ideals he would stand up for, is now just another patsy of Clarissa and a dubious adherence to their own protocols as drawn up by Tom Flewett.

The whole thing is sad. Please read this for more (click here).

Much better things to come from Kites recently include – https://tomstockmann.wordpress.com/2014/12/06/opendialogue-part-1/ 

* The latest DSM-V (Discipline Sadism and Masochism – Virgins) has an updated description of this disorder.
Novartis and Gilead are combining to work on a drug treatment.

 

My daughters room, with a large fat cat.

Poster for silly political party on wall. She makes up her own mind on these issues. And right wing capitalist buggers are far from her ideal. Not bad, my ten year old watches more news, absorbs more social feedback and shows more political nous than most University going chicks.

Not bad at all.

The whole thing is exciting.

 

The rat I had to kill today.

I did mention I am broke and live in a shit hole NZ Government project didn’t I?

This whole thing is rather sad. But it was a clean kill with a shovel. Rat was done for – I did not have spare opiates for aiding it’s passing, so put it out of it’s pain. Rapidly.

Have had to kill a number of things in my time. Never enjoyable, especially when all you have is your bare hands.

It is a real thing. Ending another living things life in order to stop suffering. Human, or silly rat half caught by cats. It really is base level humanity stuff.

Should be taught in PSYCH 101.

I SMELL A RAT!

New details have emerged about a New Zealand man’s trip to Asia to meet his internet girlfriend for the first time, before he was arrested for allegedly smuggling meth into Bali.

Antony Glen de Malmanche, 52, was detained at the international airport in Denpasar on Monday.

The Wanganui beneficiary had travelled via Hong Kong, where he had met his new girlfriend, “Jessie”, after encountering her through internet dating.

Methamphetamine is in the most serious drug class in Indonesia and anyone convicted of trafficking it faces the death penalty.

I, personally, do not know this guy well. But one of my best mates was (is) his best mate.

Look out for those rats mate.

 

The rat that could have been killed years ago.

The rat in the text book that the people at addiction disservices still use to this day.

In order to not give you service you require, they quote from totally outdated and silly sources.

When they all should read this in cartoon form and then read the whole works of Bruce K Alexander and others.

I even paid for the PDF download.
You should too.
Print it and leave it around the office.

Go do it.

And stop practising inter office shibari dyson techniques.

 

 

ADVOCATE GETS TRESPASS ORDER UPDATE

The Capital Coast District Health boards mental health operations manager… Uhm. Fucked if I can really remember his superbly convoluted title, so here is a copy direct from CCDHBDSM webshite…

John Zonnevylle Operations Manager – Specialty Mental Health & Addictions Services (Just a quick note John, Speciality is spelt with a bloody i in it, get “them” to look into it, quick smart)

OPEN LETTER TO JOHN.

DEAR JOHN,

Sorry, bet you everyone starts their letters with “Dear John” and makes a bad effort at humour shortly thereafter. I won’t, it is below me.

Although, it is kind of amusing now I think about it.

Ahem,

DEAR JOHN,

thank you for your call with regards to my being trespassed from ALL HOSPITAL GROUNDS and ENVIRONS within fifty kilometres of Clarissa Broderick and your offices. The first few minutes of your call, spent discussing your creative job title and possible anagrams got me thinking.

With a couple of re-arranged placements we have ;

• Ham Moss
  Health Addictions Manager – Mental Operations Specialty Services 
  although I will put i’s in specialty from now on for you. The good people at Black Sheep Creative will fix this for you on the site. Just email them. They are a lot more responsive than anything you’re used to.
• Ash Moms
  Addictions Speciality Health – Mental Operations Manager Services
• Sham Oms
  Speciality Health Addictions Mental – Operations Manager Services
• Has Om Ms
  Health Addiction Services – Operations Manager – Mental Services
  HAS – to hold, possess, or accept in some relation, as of kindred or relative position:
  OM – a mantra and mystical sound of Hindu origin, the symbol (right, in orange to suit the robes, is the symbol OM – from levitatingmonkey )
  MS –  title of respect prefixed to a woman’s name or position: unlike Miss or Mrs., it does not depend upon or indicate her marital status.

This last one one is quite neat. There are a dozen more, some could even be considered offensive if you thought hard enough.
Luckily for you, not thinking appears to be well under control.

After the first few minutes spent laughing at your job title, you (somewhat professionally) managed to steer the conversation into a more professional pathway.

You, personally, are not the mystical “LEGAL” people that the other departments had promised would ring me, but your convoluted title did sound reasonably impressive. I have always challenged my daughter to become a doctor, but now nurses get such titles, I may reconsider.

Now, John, you would not discuss anything with me and simply wanted to put me in place an tell me “what for”.

This is not good enough.

The Addiction DisServices you claim to be partly responsible for are constantly screwing with peoples lives.

Here is a really good little point –

You work in a
PUBLICLY OWNED INSTITUTION
and are wholly employed to
SERVE THE PUBLIC.
If you cannot stand one little ounce of
PUBLIC SCRUTINY
or
INDIVIDUALS PURSUING SERVICE 
then maybe you should take a new look at working in such a service.

Others have said to me… “but you know nothing, I have been working in this field for twenty years…”… My point to them is that in twenty years since I was on the methadone programme in Wellington, NOTHING HAS BLOODY WELL CHANGED.

It has even got worse.

 

Since you banned me from any PUBLICLY OWNED HOSPITAL IN WELLINGTON I have had a dozen or more service users contact me with personal stories and complaints. Some are simply moving to other areas of NZ where they get treated better. Some are stuck under your services care. And that scares me John.

Since trespassing me your service has administered the exact care regime my clients were asking for, but you would not supply. I argued for them, got banned, and as soon as I was no longer part of the equation, you gave them what they asked for orginally.

See, John. Look here. I actually do have a reasonable understanding of addiction, drugs and people whom use them. I honestly could be an asset to you and your service if you used me correctly.

I talk with people all over the world. Some very prominent researches both in NZ and overseas. Some very prominent authors from all over the planet. Some lawyers. Some psychiatrists. Sometimes I even talk to the psychiatrists without laying on a couch first.

I have emails and all sorts of contacts from all over NZ and the planet in support of my stance here.
I am not pushing my own barrow. I am simply sticking up for people who are in no position to stand up for themselves. 

I talk with these people as I would with anyone. Yourself included.

Doesn’t matter if you’re a bow tie wearing politician , the head of the NZ Productivity Commission, or the junky in the street laying in a recovery position – I will talk to you all the same. That is a promise. And something people actually come to trust. Just trust me on that one John.

Some people on this list even talk to me. I have recent emails of support from some of them. Some of them, of course, don’t talk to me. Unlike you, John, all these people have seen me face to face and like some of what I do. My heart is in the right place, my morals are good, even if my ethics are slightly corrugated. 

John, when I asked why you trespassed me and you replied that I was threatening and intimidating staff, all I can think of is that when your employed doctor says “the studies don’t support that theory” and I ask “which studies?” the doctors you employ find any questioning of their knowledge intimidatory and threatening.

I hold little hope of the service moving forward. Given the fact that when I asked for further examples of this you basically yelled at me that you “are not discussing this, goodbye” the people under you can be forgiven for doing the same thing.

Just how Clarissa is still under you is another question I am having trouble with.

Yours Sincerely,

 

 

Stuff the world. I am over it.

The world sucks. Some would call it gravity. I call it bullshit. Maybe of the worst interfering capitalist god like kind.

“They” took me off Ritalin and replaced it with Concerta. This sucks. This is bullshit.

I have been doing “okay” on Ritalin. 40mg slow release and 10mg fast release for later in the day. “They” now have me on Concerta and.. Well.. it has screwed me around already.

I had things to do the other night. Very important things. I could not do them as….

ROSIE EDWARDS (under the guise of “they”) issued me 27mg of Concerta a day to replace 40mg of slow and 10mg of fast Ritalin a day. For fucksakes.

When it didn’t work (hardly any surprises there!) she said I should take twice the amount.

So I took two pills rather than one each morning. They wore off by mid afternoon (as predicted) and left me with the defective period from mid afternoon until sleep.

Sleep has always been an issue for me. Along with the evening time. This was the reason for getting 10mg fast acting to take in the evening. Seems that, totally conveniently for “them”, they have forgotten I actually have a genuine need for this shit and am now just a junky shit head trying to score free drugs. Assholes, the lot of them. Whomever “they” are.

I am writing this in the evening.

Just in case you can’t tell, dear reader – I feel really annoyed.

I got no sleep last night to speak of. Brain was going a million miles an hour.

Can I do this? Can I do that? I should have done this. I should have done that. What does this mean? What does that mean?
All whilst listening to two songs and three different versions of my own attempts at meditation and “counting sheep to sleep”.

FARRRKJKKKKK!

I was supposed to be out doing something for most of the night… With someone. This meeting took a long time to set up, yet because of this medication regime change, I was not feeling up to it. I cancelled. I will not be invited back to this event or group again. I promise you. And that pisses me off.

This evening I coached twenty children to play football. It was horrible. Not enjoyable for me. Nor for them. Am more worried about them. 

Taking on my kids football team was a huge risk. If I stuff it up my relationship with my daughter could be in serious trouble. It felt right at the time. Now, after tonights mess, I am close to quitting. Fuck you Rosie.

Yesterday I went back to causing fights when people cut me off in their cars. Fuck you Rosie.

And you know what?
When I told Rosie I was in trouble, she told me to take double and asked who my pharmacist was.
ROSIE EDWARDS then did not bother to tell the pharmacist she had told me to take double.

THEREFORE I SIMPLY RAN OUT OF CONCERTA or RITALIN AND HAD NO AVENUE TO GET ANY MORE.

Rosie Edwards would not answer her phone (due to “them” maybe?)… You know me. Clever cunt sometimes. I went to the Alcohol and Addict DisServices building in Newtown. I used their phone to ring Rosie. She answered on the first ring. She probably thought it was “them” ringing. Clever prick, me.

The pharmacist told me that ROSIE EDWARDS had told them it was “too late to give me a dose” as it was 3pm. But I was supposed to be up until 1am. ROSIE EDWARDS did not even talk to me to see what my plans were… She (and them) had no idea I had waited until that time to take my dose ON FUCKEN PURPOSE!!!!!!!!!!

This resulted in me failing to live my life as planned. There was no way I could have performed and been happy doing it in this situation.

They (via Rosie Edwards) then suggest that my annoyance at being fucked around (by them) is entirely due to me being addicted and drug seeking.

Over the last six months or so of Ritalin the mother of my daughter (whom I have been arguing with for a whole DECADE) is now pleased and happy to see me. The last six months have seen a lot of good progress.

In the four days since being taken off Ritilan and put on Concerta (against my wishes) I have argued, lost friends and feel as though the football coaching thing is a disaster.

IF YOU BREAK YOUR LEG YOU GET TREATMENT.

If I break mine, they look for DRUG SEEKING BEHAVIOURS.

Fuck them

And fuck you Rosie Edwards. I offered you (them) a hair sample, a piss test, I offered for you to look at my entire body for needle marks or the like. You (representing “them) have not taken me up on this. Our ONE HOUR MEETING to discuss my “CURRENT MENTAL HEALTH CONCERNS” was over in eighteen minutes (yes, I did time it) and any time I tried to say anything outside of “Concerta please, yes thank you” Rosie simply showed she had no interest. Well done Rosie. “They” will be very proud of you. Well fuck them Rosie. Look at me. Talk to me. Find out who I am. Find out what I need. Maybe look at helping me help myself? Stop putting me in a stupid meaningless box that governs my own health plan. You are so busy trying to call me an addict and a drug seeker and drug user that you don’t even see me for who I am.

Rosie Edwards (p.p. for “them”) is worried about me being addicted to Ritalin. Well, FUCK – If you broke a runners leg so they couldn’t run… And then interview them a day later – I promise you – the lactic acid, the stress, the lack of release of all sorts of brain chemicals and body functions….. The runner will be spewing. The runner will be not himself. The runner is, ADDICTED TO RUNNING.

This does not mean you must break his leg to stop him from running.

And yes. I am spewing. “They” (using the good Doctor Rosie Edwards) have bloody well cost me. And almost cost me a lot.

Rosie was born and brought up in New Zealand. She trained as a doctor at Otago University, working in Rotorua before moving to Wellington. She completed her training as a psychiatrist in Wellington and continued working for Capital and Coast District Health Board as a consultant forensic psychiatrist with Te Korowai-WhÄriki. Also, Rosie has worked in Australia as a general adult psychiatrist in a private hospital and for the newly established Justice Health Service for New South Wales until she returned to Wellington in 2007.  In May 2008, Rosie was appointed as Clinical Leader for the General Adult Mental Health Service . This latest role has allowed her to use her enthusiasm and interest for the way services are delivered and to look at how services can be improved. Rosie works in partnership with Operations Leaders and reports to the C&CDHB MHD Executive Director (Clinical).
—- From the Health Boards on Webshite – Click and weep 

 

 

Hell, I even showed you, ROSIE (pp “them) my new tattoo’s…

Surely this shows I am entirely sane and you should write me some double uo globe class A heroin. And a lot of cocaine. I know you have a big stash Rosie. It’s about the only answer I can think of for the behaviours you exhibit. Some check Rosie (and them) for massive cocaine addiction problems. Stat.

PONG, as first created sixty years ago, but made into playable and reproductive capable units by Atari within months of my birth….
http://www.classicgamesarcade.com/games/pong.swf
Atari Asteroids from 1979 – http://www.shockinglyfun.com/game_swf/asteroids.swf
To go with the other games on left arm – Space Invaders ( http://www.webworksllc.com/games/Invaders.cfm ) and The Great Escape barbed wire from 1986 ZX Spectrum game

Shoulda been a more cleverer guy

This book is good. Have a couple of issues – one is finding the proper diagrams or figures (as those scholarly types call their rather lame efforts at design) near the applicable text – the other is, without further research, I ABSOLUTELY *REFUSE* TO BELIEVE THERE IS AN “ANTI REWARD” MECHANISM IN THE BRAIN. Surely it is just a LACK OF REWARD?!   Would have loved to hear the authors ideas on ADHD brain development.

Marc Lewis, you’re the man. This book is good, I could never write it. It is too clever. I could say something madly intelligent like
“this chemical stuff moves between that question mark bit and that other bit that looks like a suspension bridge from the side…”
or
“this electrical pulse thing makes this little hair thing move – like static electricity – you know dude?”

Marc would probably know exactly what that means. Everyone else would have to consult him.

I am not “the man”. Not in the slightest. I am a picky bugger who spends his whole life looking for problems, errors or stupidity. In so doing, the designer in me comes out. This “negative” thinking is positive. I am constantly spotting possible improvements.

If you are called a fuck wit, chances are someone thinks you’re a fuck wit. They may not follow your behaviour, thus proving my point. Being a fuck wit is positive. Just not for the fuckwit. 

😉

You know what? I still say these recovery people, and even harm reduction advocates (I am one) are getting all this wrong. DO NOT STUDY THE ADDICT. Study the person with exactly the same childhood, exactly the same adverse events. Exactly the same brain. Exactly the same genetics. Study the person with all the potential to become an addict, BUT IS NOT A PROBLEMATIC ADDICT. 

(c) NZFIEND 2013

“Sorry NZFIEND, sometimes I forget you’re not a psychologist.”

That, dear readers, is some sort of praise. Coming from someone whom is months away from  majoring in the subject and spends hours a week talking with me.

“No need to apologise mate…”

He knows a lot about the broader reaches. I have my own theories on specifics.

Remember how, before recently giving up drugs, the thought that socialisation was the issue? Before ever hearing about Rat Park? Or how about how I hypothesised that ADHD was a left handed problem? There are always thoughts in our heads. Even if Ritalin does slow it to a crawl, I can still re-invent the wheel daily!

I can keep up with him. And him with me. We occasionally clash. But, more often than not, although what I propose seems silly at first, he will usually find a way to fit it into the structure of his learning.

Lately there have been a couple of things going on.

• I found myself at home.
  In the “Leadership Addiction Day” with all these qualified psych, social, addiction people. Doctors, lawyers, CEO’s, authors… members of our right wing Government wearing bow ties even!… and felt comfortable discussing all their subject matter. Didn’t have to pull punches much. Talked to high up people just like they are my street buddies outside McDonalds or the soup kitchen. Saw some get upset and calmed them…. If there were scores to be given out for being a bum on a sickness benefit – they should give me a good one.
• Absurdly…
  When thinking about it, the majority of my waking hours interacting with others or reading has been spent between the realms of attachment theories, globalisation, addiction, adhd and a list of brain parts and chemicals… Dopamine, serotonin and, of course, the opioids…. Gabor, Bruce and a number of stuffy old neuroscience people, combined with a bunch of recovery industry zealot authors…
  
  And now, maybe the person I should have been…! If only I had felt like giving up drugs ten or fifteen years sooner and could go out in public with a shitty old professors beard… Hahahahhaha. And allowed myself a few drinks in the evening. Unfortunately a few drinks in the evening, for me, leads to… Well… Stomach pumps and crime.

Should have been a clever guy. The physics tutor at high school wanted me to skip a couple of years and go straight to a physics course and by pass all the other sciences. Pity that didn’t happen. Got asked to leave due to drug supply rumours instead. Sold computers for $40,000 a year at age 16. Now THAT is a road to ruin. Let me tell you – Maybe another time.

Should have been someone more cleverer.

Instead I survive off NZ$69 a week and add to this shitty blog once in a while.

Just two weeks ago I spent the whole day being interviewed by police for drug supply, administration, dealing… The senior detectives obviously don’t read this blog. They suggested, with all seriousness, I should write a book.

It’s a life Jim. But not on this planet.