Outside the Realm of the Hungry Ghosts

Gabor Matè had some good advice to hand me when deciding giving up drugs was do-able and realising my ADHD issues where problematic.

He told me to read his books. This, of course, required me to purchase them. Upon reading, and having some eureka moments along the way, I have forever been bestowing the virtues of this man and his work. Subsequently he told me that “they” (yes, you – Wellington Addict DisServices and other backward thinking service providers) could not be pushed into reading his work, they would have to find it for themselves. I have been pushing them ever since. There are many examples of this working. People have been purchasing and reading this work of his. Gabor then suggested to me that “I should probably pay you a commission, but won’t…”

It is not for my gratification that I write his name repeatedly. It is to re-inforce the work he does, one more time. Although being a broke bum with no hope of real worthy capitalist employ, the meagre offerings of book sales commission from an old Jewish Addiction Doctor from Canada does hold little appeal.

One of the first thoughts around a little of his work is to be found here — CANCER IS NOT ADDICTION 

Like most of my work, this is basically sans editing. There is little proof reading and even less effort into producing a document the masses could be bothered with. However, this writing, and others, received some praise from people wanting to link to it, or publish it, if only I would re-write it… Do a spelling check… Not swear quite so much… Withdraw any possible sexual innuendo… And make more sense… Hell, did they really expect proper APA referencing?… PISS OFF, NO FUCKEN WAY. However, there were some subsequent messages from some people who take this sort of thing seriously… One comment of “hey look — this guy [doctor Bob from USA] has been reading your blog… [link]…” I should do some of these guys for plagarism. Or, at least, being on such a similar wavelength they are jamming my brain waves from producing more interesting thought process. 

GABOR talked of his addiction of compulsively buying classical music from shoppes and avoiding the issue of time, finance and the overwhelming desire of his wife to find storage space anywhere in his cluttered shrine to classical music that his wife would prefer to call a house.

GABOR went to Narcotics Anonymous meetings and displaced the “Narcotics” for his “Classical Shopping” problematic addiction.

It seemed to make some sense. Other N.A members commented that his problem and him “were in the right place”.

I have issues with right” place. Maybe “correct” place. Should fit better. Really… RIGHT and WRONG are incorrect terms… 

Which brings us, finally, to the point of this post.



^^^ This is the point. An article on other addictions. ^^^

My latest addiction is, most definitely, a thing of major problematic variety and appears very similar to the much maligned “Death By Duvet”.

Have not filled out paperwork under New Zealand’s Official Information of Privacy Acts to demand information from the Police and other agencies in regards to their seemingly unlawful actions.

This latest addiction could just kill me. 

Have started avoiding emails… People whom were helping me have not heard from me for a week. I feel I am letting them down. I know I am letting myself down. And yet the news show at 6:30pm – 3D #3D_TV3 – got me writing on the computer again. This 41 minutes has been good for me. But am more interested in going to bed and watching pirated MP4’s of BANSHEE and real life advert laden TV3’s WESTSIDE at 8:30. Having hacked in four thousand words last weekend discussing the dangers of home release bail compared to prison (and spent hours editing – for once the subject and writing was worthy of real effort) only to have the computer crash, I have been having very severe anti feelings to all things computer. And all things life in general to be fair.


On Friday I watched SEVEN complete films, including WATERWORLD (which I quite enjoyed). This, very similar to computer game addiction, is probably very much in line with becoming dangerously and problematically depressed.

I need help. Admitting there is a problem could be the first step. The second may well be getting out of this bloody cell I am imprisoned within – me.

Unfortunately this is outside the REALM OF THE HUNGRY GHOSTS. paulAnd probably more in line with PAUL WOOD. He may just have something newsworthy to say on this… Although, this is becoming a shameless product placement, I don’t care. For PAUL was an inspiration to me in jail. Similar ages, and he held his head up against all odds during his trial and back in jail. See, I was there…

I feel the need to switch off for a few months. Being stuck at home 24 / 7 when you live alone and run out of milk is NO FUN. Not being able to see your kid is NO FUN.

Using heaps of drugs, switching off and being able to “hang in there” is less NO FUN.

My happiness deficit will diminish with the use of drugs. 

(So may the chances of me finding a life diminish equally in proportion to this drug intake)

EMAIL from a blog reader… And ball kids at pro footy game…


Astounding me is the ability of service providers to tell the Government that health consumers are happier than ever (etc etc)… Apparently the consumers have a “strong” input into services and the changing of the way services are provided.

What a load of shit.

I get email from readers of my blog sometimes. And all the people I talk to on the street. I just got one such email from a guy “S” whom has contacted me before. We have all the same issues as eachother. As does other people. Mr “A”, whom really hates the services in Wellington and has talked about burning the building… Same stories. Every where. ALL THE TIME.

If only 1% of service users say “they are happier with the service” the Government will be told “more people than ever are happier with our services“. The truth is NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON WAS POSITIVE ABOUT THE SERVICE LAST YEAR. 1% NOW SAY THEY AREHAPPIER“.

This is a positive to the people that need the Governments money.

To the rest of us, it is a load of old bullocks.

Another person whom supports me and the crap I do has been writing.

Another “S” has been in Mental Health Ward again recently. He “suicided” late last week and was taken off life supports today. He is breathing for himself for first time. Send him your love. 

All these stories just don’t stop.

They keep coming. And the way the service providers deal with them has got worse.

Yet, they must show growth in this capitalist world. And that they are.


All these stories just don’t stop.
Yet, I am the only one attempting to bring them to you?

Phoenix Wellington Football Soccer

My daughter was a ball kid at the big game on Friday night. Being parent helper was awesome too. Got a pass to go ANYWHERE in the stadium, but just stood on the field near the left hand corner flag. You can see me on tv replays filling up the back of some shots with computer game tattoo’d arms.

The best part of the night… The PHOENIX event organiser comes past and asks if the kids are behaving themselves.

YES” says me

Oh really, WHAT ABOUT YOU?” she says somewhat too encouragingly…

ME? I feel you need to give my arse a decent hard slapping

After a quick look of shock passes, “Heheheeh, you may be held to that….

Made a new friend there……… A little worried the microphones stationed only a few foot away picked it up on TV broadcast. But hey, she chuckled without ill feeling when I mentioned that possibility and we really should have swapped numbers. Although that may allow her many beaus to find ways to smash me…….




Sometimes I just feel useless. I saw less of my daughter over the school holidays than I do during normal weeks. Combinations of being arrested, other childrens’ birthday party plans and football have left me feeling lonely and useless. Some friends (girls mainly) appear to have ditched me having not replied to any contact from me… One girl I really like, for she really does think and help others, has flown the coup.

So, I go and visit Dad.

The same Dad whom always argues, always tells me I am wrong. Always told me I am ugly.

Just why I would go to my parents house for the first time in months when I need some family and love is beyond me.

What a fucken stupid thing to do.

Now am just getting through the day without doing anything stupid. When your definition of stupid has widened to include “getting out of bed” you know you’re in trouble.

Lucky I have a kid and no drug addictions. Means you just have to look positively.

Self harm is not beyond us. Any of us.




Twenty years ago I was involved with doing some of the first live internet broadcasts out of New Zealand.

http://www.racetothesky.co.nz was one of them.


I should have been there. But, then again… Maybe not. Running around these events, using drugs, perving and inhaling jet fuel…


Better off staying at home feeling like the world sucks.

For it does.



You wouldn’t believe it… I am not a bad person. Nor am I an idiot.

Hi once more. All the old time N.A idiots hate me. What the fuck do they know? Their snobby attitude is hated by me too. Had a six month clean time birthday today so that some young people can join in and be encouraged. I did a real bad job with my sharing, as per normal. That is sweet. These old time fuckfaces should really come and talk to me one on one. Or maybe they should come to a ward meeting. Trouble is, they would take it over and fuck with it. At the moment the ward meetings work exceedingly well as is for the people in the ward. FLUID is the best term.

Some people had some really nice things to say about me. They were the ones whom have taken time to know me. My sharing included the lines “If I have not really fucken offended every one in this room yet, KEEP COMING BACK, IT WILL WORK IF I WORK AT IT” and “there is no THE in the serenity prayer where it says GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN AND *** WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. You are changing the meaning of the prayer by adding “THE” between AND and WISDOM.”

At the end of the meeting about two thirds of the room didn’t say “THE”, some did on purpose. Some said my name instead of “THE”. Hahahahahahaha. Cheeky fuckers.

Recently I got involved with helping out the ADHD girl. I have always been around for new people and helping them out as they give up drugs.I have been dealing with a few people with suicidal thoughts of the strong variety over the last few days.

If Sir John Kirwin was handing out medals to volunteer workers, I should get one. Really. You wouldn’t believe how good I just was with someone over the last few days.

What is confusing is why there are three of them at once (not counting the ADHD girl, whom has dumped me, remember !!!!!)

Here is a message I posted this morning on a car web-site. The car web-site is where I post the story of building my cars. We do not talk about drugs, addiction, suicide or any other mental health topic there. We are blokes. Blokes with cars. Blokes with highly modified large engined Fords. We talk in kilowatts, displacements, compression ratios, fuel mixes, pin outs, paint codes, diff and gearbox ratios, tyre pressures………… We DO NOT, ever, never, talk about feelings. We just give idiots shit until they piss off to another site. That’s the only emotion ever displayed.

Until about three days ago.

Well, six months ago I posted about my sister dying. Sometimes we do births, deaths, marriage. I recently did ADHD as part of a story about why I am always being arrested.

And then the loudest, most abusive guy on the site (whom is a big softy when you meet him… He lives four hours away across the Tasman sea in Australia, so meeting these guys was pretty special in itself….) posted a long post about the state of his mental health and that he felt like hanging himself a lot lately. His girlfriend had saved him.

I replied with this….

Hey little man… Here’s a thing for you…. I have been going through all sorts of shit recently too. But, in the context of life, you would expect that from me. I am a genuine fuck up. All this does is allow me to emphasis greatly with your situation, having been through it ten or twenty times in less than a decade of Ford ownership.

We all have our health issues, and these limit our ability to lead a full life as we see it. Some more than others. I am really lucky at being unlucky. I practise management strategies. Not very well a lot of the time. Last week I was riding down a hill on my mountain bike, in the wet, with no front brakes (cable disk brake had snapped cable), drinking a coffee with my left hand and texting with my right hand. Of course I had my headphones blaring out some old crap punk music at the time so didn’t hear the truck coming. “Oh shit”… I didn’t want to spill my coffee, so used my right hand to go for a brake. “Oh shit”, no front brake… I still didn’t want to spill my coffee so refused to ditch it and use the brake with the left hand… How on earth I swerved around a truck and down a side street whilst doing around 40km/h on a bike in the wet with no brakes with only a second to dump my cellphone and grab the handlebars… Well… Christ knows. Sometimes luck is on my side.

What is not so lucky is putting myself in those situations in the first place.

They are a daily occurrence. I am truly a class a fuckwit.

Now, back to the MAD JEW PRICK. You’re fucken good guy underneath that stupid Australian accent. All other Aussies are fucked, but you’re okay. 

It may be cheaper to buy me a plane fare and chain my ankle to your Maverick wheels until things you need doing are done to your standard than hire a psychiatrist. 

But, here’s something for you… Depression is often caused and cross diagnosed with anxiety. Chances are a lot of people on here with a lot of drive, ideas and enthusiasm for their crazy schemes and mad builds have some form of personality disorder. No shit. I kid you not. Does BENJ’s car make sense to 99% of the world? I bet you it fucken doesn’t. But to select people, it is fucken awesome. People who do shit like this are special. 

And running at full speed all the time means having burnout and downtime.

Instead of saying “I am going to tidy all my car parts and give Butler back some of his garage and back yard” you should say something more like “I am going to spend half an hour at 10am sorting out stuff at Butlers house….”



Therefore you are totally successful in your goal. Sometimes you may even spend an hour or two sorting out Butlers back yard. 

We all feel useless sometimes… Dude, the human body and mind are complicated things. But like the most simplistic machine in the world (let’s say a single OHC I6 with a dizzy) it still needs a rest, an oil change, and enough CCA in the battery to turn the starter. 

Just take it easy on yourself mate. I have had people very close to me commit suicide, stab their own children… All sorts of crap. How I am alive just amazes me. The very simple fact I am alive astounds me enough that I cannot now contemplate others feeling bad enough to do similar. 

I have been incredibly lucky. I should not be here. Seriously should not be here. 

Yet I am. 

And if I am, then you fucken deserve to be here more than me.

(If anyone calls this a rant, I will fly over, remove their hat with my balls and piss on their bald spots)

I know, it is nothing really special. But it has these responses in twelve hours, plus more in private mail.

  • This man speaks the truth
  • jeeezz … ya canna be a rare bastaard! …. BUT ya hit the nail on that head
  • You sir are an absolute legend…I take my hat off to you, But don’t piss on my head what ever you do because there is no bald spot.

This goes to show that guys, even oil drinking, methanol injecting, tyre smoke inhaling guys need a proper forum for sorting shit in their heads.

This is where the peer lead recovery model can by introduced via sly methods. A group of guys whom sit down for an hour a week and share their lives for five minutes.

Probably not original. But definitely required.


Rebecca was bullied to death in America recently. We have had three or four of these in New Zealand over the last few years too…

Click here for the “living with ADhD blog” about it…


It is not “what is taught”. It is “what is learnt”..

Unfortunately it is not so easy to say “Step up and blame the parents”… Most children of the age 10-12 are actually getting most of their attachment and behaviours from PEERS not from adults.

We, as society and parents, go and spend too long at work. The age of computers, TV and constant communication have lead young people away from their parents at an ever younger age and into their peers as main behaviour sources.

A bit like the blind leading the blind at this point.

Sounds like one young lady (when standing up for her mother against her peers put downs) is above the pack in these regards, but it is what society is telling the adults is “okay” in the end. Without changing the nuclear family back towards a multi generational “family” or “village” where the local postie knows everyone, the local cop lives in the area and knows everyone, the school teachers hang out at the local park and see the kids in the weekends…. You know… That ideal that the whole village raises a kid. We see it on some English TV shows sometimes.

Unfortunately, the rest of the time (99% of it) there are constant “battles for the fastest car” or “I win, you lose sucker” scenerios played out ten times every hour.

And therein lies a problem.


My problem, however, just for today, is to write an email to “my lawyer” for some of the criminal court matters regarding the idiot Police whom stood in front of my moving car trying to claim I was under arrest (or something). Full of shit, but that’s not the point. Whom is the judge going to believe? A dumb arse cop who ran up the road in front of a car, or the driver of the car whom has convictions left right and centre for similar behaviour in the past? Go figure.

My Mum and Dad were sort of witnesses to the second event (resisting arrest and a bunch of other bullshit) and I have told my lawyer they want to appear and testify on my behalf, but have heard nothing from the lawyer and the court date is fast approaching.



And you know what? I am off to meditate.

At least, my version of it.

I am going to pull the interior out of my 1994 car and find the source of the engine coolant pooling in the passenger footwell.

You cannot help but focus on the task at hand.

One bolt at a time. 


Depression. It leads to smack.

No happy go lucky posts from me about finding spiritual enlightenment or anything else remotely resembling positive.

About the most positive I have been lately is to spend thirty seconds looking a some new age hippy website before burping loudly three or four times, farting twice and hitting the X button.

My back has been sore. Real sore. Had a good day Thursday last week, but since then have spent two or three days in the house without doing anything of note. This is not healthy. It leads to a state of depression and that leads to drug use.

And really, why bother?..

Since giving up drugs again I cannot see my child, have been arrested a few times, can’t work on any building type jobs and have been chewing through money without making any. It is 2pm in the afternoon and I am going back to bed. I missed the deadline for entering proposals for doing some design work. Did not even try actually. The paperwork with the proposal wanted time frames for research and estimated money requirements. It was all getting too complicated.

Honesty. Why bother?..

I am probably better with the damn drugs. But then, it has been 94 days or some such. That’s quarter of a year. Maybe things will get better. Sure they will.

That doesn’t stop me spending all day by myself and allowing thoughts to lead into very murky waters late each night…

Disassociation, or Dislocation [from society]

Figured that an issue with drug use was being disassociated from community, friends, family. Then found that it is also a cause. Of course it is. It is not rocket science.

Trouble is that for years and years your only friends have been druggy friends. And then… Well… Who knows? N.A? Are they my new social group? Damn. Something needs to change. And quickly.

There is always the car crowd. If I make some money I can hang out with other car people now and then. 

This picture shows the input shaft I just picked up. A guy whom buys the odd part from me contacted me out the blue to see if my car was running and if I needed a lift. Well, actually – he was looking at a car website and saw the latest information about my car there and texted me about 11pm last night offering me a lift. Awesome. Thanks to him, I got out the house and picked up this part I had spent weeks running around after. It is a gearbox input shaft. It has been changed from the V8 small block Ford engine to suit my four litre inline six. It has been shortened 14mm, thinned at the end and a hardened steel bearing surface pressed onto the shaft as there was no more hardened steel left after removing the old splines.

Long story short – It is raining. I cannot start putting car back together in the rain.

It would do me good.

Keep my brain on one thing and stop it from thinking about my daughter, the police, the family court and drugs. 

Sure, it’s not Buddha certified, Jesus approved or even part of a twelve step programme.


Now, that would be a book.


or tell me whatever you want here… Privately… You don’t even have to tell me your name



Jesus, I was evil…

Well, I wasn’t. Neither was Darcy Clay. Not really.

About the evillest thing he ever did was commit suicide three weeks before he was due to headline at the Suicide Prevention & Awareness gig. That was pretty damn evil boyo. Committing suicide at your girlfriends place is probably not the nicest thing. He had a hit single with Jesus, I was Evil

Maybe the song should have been “Jesus, I will be silly….”

Sounds like a good kid though. Been dead fifteen years or more. People remember him more than they will remember me.

Some would call this thought of mine “Addict thinking“.

The term “addict thinking” is complete crap.

Sure, you think and act in certain ways when in active addiction. But to blame everything (and, boy, do I mean everything) on drugs is taking things too far. The problem with self control, restless legs, tempers… They all exist despite the drugs!

We would all like to be remembered one way or another. The guy at N.A who gives himself shit for always wanting more… I think, just quietly mate, that the whole western free market world is thinking like that. It is encouraged in us. The school system is busy saying things like “it is okay just to try, don’t worry about winning”, where as the real rich schools are still saying “win at all costs, if you don’t win, you’re out of here…”

This is where the gap between “us” and “them” starts to be created.

“It is okay just to try ,don’t worry about winning” is the way of the rich keeping a good, willing, working class downtrodden and happy with whatever scraps they throw us.

So, I am back to the point that DRUGS AREN’T THE PROBLEM. Everything else is.

When I was walking back from my sisters funeral with my daughter the other month I saw this sign in the video shop window. Spot on.

So, addiction, depression, cancer* and suicide are the winners.
(Oh, and good old NZ Punk music from the eighties, of course. Especially when they start re-releasing stuff and idiots like me buy it… Sticky Filth, Weep Woman Weep on blue vinyl. Yeah boi. )

More people commit suicide each year in New Zealand than die on our roads. The government spends millions and millions telling us not to drink and drive, yet this accounts for around two hundred deaths.

Atheism. It does not pay to pray. You will get laughed at. 

Go and make up a god… I did.




* I may be stretching things just a little when blaming cancer on the free market


formerly known as CADS (or some other meaningless shit) the Addict DisServices gave me a telephone call last week. I would like to say they were pro-active and “onto it”, but, more likely, they found out I have been arrested for impulsive random acts of intentional damage. If you can call kicking a wing mirror random. When the fat wanker aimed his car at you on purpose to give you a fright. The world sucks. True.

So, I have another round of psych’ prodding to be run through. That is fine. I could do with someone taking this ADhD thing seriously for once in my damn life. Meeting is at three pm. That is four hours from now.

And I already have this impending sense of doom enveloping me.

I am preparing for disappointment, rejection and humiliation. This is probably the wrong way to go into a meeting with someone whom could actually help. They may not pick up the right sort of signals if I switch off before walking in.



I have been averaging three posts a day. This is probably not an indication of my brilliant writing, brain or ideas. 

This is more an indication of boredom.

I told someone today that I have lived in this flat (concrete box) two and a half years and have only spent a whole day in the house willingly once during that time… And that was during the last month. They were gobsmacked. What the hell, isn’t that normal? Guess it isn’t.

Did I mention I think I might have ADhD?

I would suggest that always being on the go and wanting to bugger off and do things constantly is a side effect of that. Either that or some other mental condition.

Now, can someone give me a label for not opening my mailbox in five or six weeks. Sometimes I don’t look in it for six months. Sometimes I owe power companies thousands. Sometimes I have tickets. Sometimes I have notes from really hot chicks, whom have evidently moved on…..


Till death do us part…

Suicide has been in the back of my brain over the years. I am human. Wouldn’t you be lying if you said you had never thought of going for the ultimate end game. The biggest expansion (compression)? The fear of death is larger than the fear of life for me.

But when I saw young people at university trying to design posters and the like for suicide and depression awareness it made me realise that the subject is more open now. Thankfully, it still has a little stigma. Owning up to being a suicide fail (ie, I am still here) is not cool. Unlike being a junky in recovery, which is very cool. Just look at all the “women are from mars and guys f cken aren’t” book publishers whom are now publishing “I used three valium and gave up. You can too” books….

From one of my psych’ friends blogs



Now, this is brilliant. Samaritans Of Singapore (SOS)  . 

Someone should license these images and use them in New Zealand. They should be cheap. They have been designed already. No need to bring in Saatchi and wank face….

But there is no depression in New Zealand,
We have no dole queues,
we have no drug addicts,
we have no valium…. 

Our esteemed Jedi Master Prime Minister, John Key, says so. Therefore we believe him. Vote for right wing National.

And everyone goes on committing suicide quietly. Never mind the masses. Colour tv and drug addictions.